Orgasms and Pregnancy with Jessica Preston | Ep 48

Sex While Trying to Get Pregnant: Dealing with Decreased Libido | Ep 48

Introduction

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge where we focus on all things love lust and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food. Hey everybody welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge. I’m your host, libido expert Dr. Diane Mueller, and we have a juicy episode for you guys today. We are talking about libido and fertility and you might be wondering initially what these things have in common but they actually have a lot in common because of course fertility issues can be stressful and one of the best ways to manage stress is through your libido. So we’re going to talk about libido, fertility, what you can do, how these things are related and more with our guest today. I’m so excited to introduce you to founder of den noo fertility, Our Guest Jessica Preston, welcome to the show.

Jessica Preston: Thank you so much for having me. I’m so happy to be here.

Dr. Diane: Yeah, it’s great to have you and let’s let’s start. I want to start our discussion we’re GNA we talked offline about making this GC so we’ll get into all those good questions here in a moment but let’s just start initially with you know what is kind what are the stats and what are the how often is this a problem where we’re trying to get pregnant we have you know for you know challenges and you know fertility issues like where does the the decrease libido and how frequently does decrease libido come up as a challenge with fertility and pregnancy.

Jessica Preston: Yeah, it’s very common it’s more common than not and so the way that I usually put this is trying is fun for one month and then trying becomes trying and it one month we think okay it’s fun we’re going to have you have sex how much we want and then all of a sudden we expect this quickly uh and then if it doesn’t happen there’s that little nagging part in our mind that says oh no what’s going on and that ends up doing a number on us in a subcon level and so it’s not just for women it’s for men and a lot of this actually impacts men a lot of the time more so than women.

Dr. Diane: So do you feel then that there’s a level where it’s like okay we reached that month mark it was like super fun and now it’s stressful where it actually then leads into like a say a subsequent low libido and even like performance issue then that is then contributing to fertility or infertility.

Jessica Preston: Yes absolutely so a lot of this is on demand so instead of being uh having sex when you want to being spontaneous you’re in this spot where we have to have sex on wait honey I’m ovulating so we need to have sex every other day for these days around the time of ovulation or my kit says today is the day let’s go but you’re working late and I’m tired and and so we end up in these positions where we are trying to schedule sex and it isn’t anymore for pleasure although orgasm has to occur at least for the man in order for for us to conceive and so there’s a lot of pressure especially on men for performance so you know have to perform have to finish and that actually becomes an issue for a lot of men also in a lot of the groups out there with men and women or the women’s support groups we see women saying does it count if he didn’t finish that we count it as a day that we actually tried to conceive and that day does not actually count and so that also is very emasculating and that emasculation of of men is really doing a number when it comes to fertility and libido.

Dr. Diane: Yeah and I see that right because there’s so much that we have as humans in general but also you know also I think we can you know you know genderize it as well around being able to provide certain things for our partners for our relationships for our family and that is from I think from a masculine standpoint that huge component is like I want to provide this I want to provide this for my partner I want to provide this for my like my future family and there can be so much wrapped up in there so the the image that I’m actually getting in my brain right now as you’re talking is like I feel like that classic movie or TV show uh image when couples are trying and it’s like so stressful and then finally we get orgasm and then wom immediately sticks her legs up in the air and like you know all the that like that type of classic uh image of what to do obviously there’s a lot better ways of handling this and obviously there’s a lot better ways of going about this from a low you know a low or infertility standpoint and a subsequent vicious cycle that we get into with this so how do we get out of this cycle right how do we get out of the the cycle when it’s like okay you know performance anxiety emasculation like all of a sudden that trickles into L libido and that trickles into worsening the fertility what do we do about getting and breaking out of that cycle.

Breaking the Cycle

Jessica Preston: Yeah first I think what we need to do is make sure we have clear communication and that is so hard it’s it’s harder than we think it’s and it’s the the elephant in the room we need to be able to communicate well about our fears our concerns what if this doesn’t happen we have this on both sides both both Partners can feel like are you going to stay with me are you still going to love me there’s a lot of Shame and guilt in this so when we have that on both sides and this is the person we’re supposed to share our deepest parts of ourselves with but it’s also the person we have the most stake with so when it’s the person we have the most at stake with we tend to either in attachment style wise we either you know we we Retreat a little bit in our avoidant selves or we attack in our anxious selves and that causes more of a of a discordance with that being said the communication is really key so we really really recommend that you find that way to connect and so we’ll start diving into that juicy right now one thing that we start with is we start with eye gazing we start with intro to Tantra we start with things that don’t require words for communication that can be a little bit uncomfortable but especially when we’re a little haed and we’re not exactly sure what we want to do or how we can be with our partner that is a place to start and if can lead to even the understanding of oh this is really hard I can’t look you in the eye for more than 30 seconds I feel like you’re seeing all of my all of my shame pieces or you know a blemish on my face or whatever it may be or you find depth in eye gazing or you find laughter in eye gazing so this is actually starting you know this is in the Tantra space when you start really in that connection of your internal selves with each other this helps a lot with communication so really communication is key uh in any kind of introductory Tantra any kind of intimacy space and holding each other having that where there isn’t an expectation of sex along with it so that that can be part of our connection our oxytocin release which can also help our fertility hormones and our sense of security and uh connection so all of those part that’s where I would start because sometimes we can’t find the words if we’re just going to be battling each other so if we find we can find the words that’s helpful we’re a big fan of nonviolent communication Marshall rosenberg’s work you know uh Imago dialogue how I feel is my responsibility but I would like to share that with you as you are the person who loves me dearly and you’re my number one fan and as I am yours so those are really important ways with communication to start I think that’s a big start yeah there’s a lot you said in there that we could probably have a whole you know whole episode a whole couple Hour episode just on you know those types of of conversations right and I I love those those topics as well you know Marshall Rosenberg and using feeling words and feeling words are not things like you made me feel right that’s how we use feeling words those aren’t feeling words so and getting lists I think on those things can be super useful.

Dr. Diane: So okay so somebody starts with i gazing and looking in in deep in this Tantra and we have all this stuff going on so what you’re saying just so I’m understanding to our listeners is that often times when we start with the eye gazing then we have this like already this heart openening depths of connection that is almost then say allowing like the nervous system to calm and safety feeling to settle in so that then from there we can go into say nonviolent communication feeling words the eye State all these different things is that is that correct.

Jessica Preston: That is exactly right that’s why we start with the non-verbal and then we can move into the verbal when our nervous systems are are more settled in place and it allows us to not feel the anxiety of time pressure as much so when we then end up in a position if we have a month and we’ll when we have a month if there’s a point where someone where one partner says I can’t do this don’t touch me don’t you just take a month off but when you are regulated your nervous system is more safe then taking a month off is Preservation of the whole family unit it’s not just about trying to have a baby so then you can try again the next month and it is very important to know that that is an okay thing and that can actually help you with your sex drive in feeling honored and secure and safe with your partner.

Dr. Diane: You’re taking you’re like leading me so perfectly into where I was thinking we should go next so which is like one of the things I talk a lot about in sexuality and libido work is the concept of really deeply understanding things like your own needs wants preferences desires and turn offs and understanding our own so then we can eventually then better communicate that to our partner and understand our partner’s needs wants desires preferences turn offs right so my question for you then and I think I know the answer based upon what you just said but I think we should go a little deeper is from that standpoint how do you feel like then when we get into communication and we are speaking in these loving and safe ways how in in terms of of fertility and in working through this how important do you think it is in really understanding our own you know needs wants preferences desires and turn on and turn offs do you think that that comes into play when it comes to fertility.

Jessica Preston: Absolutely imperative absolutely also because where are we going to find our fun otherwise so let’s please know ourselves and let’s talk about we talk in our program about Kinks and fetishes and definitions and making it very safe so that people the the taboon of a lot of these words or the thought of anything outside of missionary position is so challenging for some so we make it so much easier and attainable for you to be able to have that thought process within yourself and then share that with your partner because a lot of Partners whether you’re having trouble conceiving or not are not aware of what their partner’s true needs and desires are so there are a lot of ways to do that we yes we could have a ton of episodes just on that alone because we talk about that we have our 10 steps 10 steps of safety and things that how can we explore within ourselves and our partner what they want and how can we please ourselves and please them and where is there no but we’re not passing any judgment everything that you have as a desire is absolutely normal because it’s yours and there’s no shame in that so sharing that space is great then finding new toys or or new dress up or new fetish or Kink and the the only there are two things actually that I would love to add in this one is in the world of play which isn’t always about sex uh we want to make sure when you’re trying to have a baby that you’re still having sex at the end of that for ejaculation to occur where it’s supposed to for trying to get pregnant and so I would love nothing more than for people to forget that while they’re trying and then say oops wait hold on wait wait real quick you know while they’re enjoying themselves and enjoying their relationship and enjoying their pleasure to be able to find that space of you know don’t forget honey this is where it’s supposed to go at the end you know and go from there uh the other is we are um we work in the area we’re working with someone now about teaching a class in our program about um multiple orgasms for men and how lovely that is in the space of trying to conceive because it doesn’t have to be a quicky in 10 minutes on your lunch break because we’re it’s we’re ovulating tomorrow it can actually be let’s have a beautiful 2-hour love making session tonight you know we’re going to have dinner there’s going to be you know candle light and then we have no other plans and we’re turning off our phones and this is what we’re going to do and nothing is better than that so it sounds a little bit counterintuitive to people trying or we can introduce the world of play and fun and romance and multiple orgasms for both Partners into this space and truly let trying become enjoyable.

Dr. Diane: I love that and you’re leading me again into where I wanted to go so this is so good so you know the concept of orgasm I think is it’s another area that’s so complicated especially for women right and you know I think the idea of multiple orgasms for men and edging and all these different concepts can be helpful for women but you know some people will talk in in the fertility space that I’ve seen about like oh the advantageousness of women having an orgasm at that time of conception as well you know there’s also even people that are talking about you know orgasmic childbirth right where you can actually have orgasms as you deliver and release all those yummy chemicals which is really intimidating for women when they have such a hard time and some women you know that are are anorgasmic and or other women having such a hard time reaching orgasm which is I think a really important thing to talk about so you know if women are listening to this and they’re like what about me and I can’t reach orgasm or it’s really hard for me to reach orgasm are those things that you tend to work with when it comes to fertility.

Jessica Preston: We do absolutely but first let’s just take care of that myth right now you don’t actually a woman does not have to have an orgasm to conceive it is not sucking sperm up into there was old data that was it wasn’t data even I I’ve read this because when we were trying to mythbust everything and like Let’s find let’s find every little bit no absolutely not you do not need to have a woman does not need to have an orgasm in order to conceive so let’s take that weight off of us shall we because there’s no reason to add more weight on we have enough so let’s just go with then if you I and let’s let’s just talk about while trying uh that I think the the orgasmic birth is such we actually have a a coach who in our program who teaches orgasmic birth somebody would to choose this but that’s probably more home birth probably not hospital and there’s so many nuances to your mental state when it comes to that so we’ll put that aside but when it comes to even just trying to conceive pleasure is really important just feeling good and making sure that you’re in because when we’re not experiencing pleasure that also does a number on us no matter what so we have our conscious mind and then we have our subconscious mind and we are talking a lot about nervous system safety surrender feeling like we can allow our partner to everything with us that we love and they love so that we can nurture in this loving space and so I think that it’s really important to know pleasure is important orgasm is not mandatory and for anorgasmic women there are so many different tools we can use whether you’re trying to conceive or not to try to get you to that space But I think a big piece is understanding there’s no shame in that find pleasure even in love I mean we’re women women tend to find a lot more in that whole touch love caress nurturing space so where can you Embrace love and what that means for you and your part partner how is that connection for you and I think that’s really important everybody’s their own individual and our own personal definition is all we need.

Dr. Diane: Yeah I totally I couldn’t agree more and I really appreciate intimacy expert Susan brat and one of the things she says is as women one of the gifts we have is is we’re really good at multitasking and what that also means is that you bring that into pleasure like multitasking is a lot of bad rep and there’s a lot of things that are problematic from a present moment and relaxation standpoint right with multitasking but if you bring that into pleasure and realize that we have the capacity as women that like to experience so many different ayous zones and so many different parts of pleasure at the same time that is a great use of multitasking right it’s so good and we can experience pleasure like you said without orgasm so I’m glad to have that conversation what else do you feel like from a fertility standpoint is like are there any other basic you know we gotta say this we got to say these things because they’re so rooted in the basics that that we can’t leave them out.

Jessica Preston: Yeah I think it’s just actually the most important things that I wanted to make sure that we said today is that if you need to skip a month please skip skip a month and it’s it’s heartbreaking and our heart sinks in our stomach if anyone is listening to this and they think oh I don’t want to skip a month but skipping a month is beautiful in a lot of ways you don’t have the two weeks of waiting an anxiety you have a whole month off so that you can kind of reset and spend that time with a date night at least once per once per week making sure that you have connectivity uh Gman Institute talks about bidding you know positive bidding for each other and really getting connected in in that space and so I just think that it’s so important to remember that our connection as partners is so important intimacy is great but eroticism is also important so intimacy and knowing each other incredibly well is great but then we can lose that erotic Edge so make sure we bring in some of that erotic uh dressing up or uh being sassy or calling him daddy or whatever it is that you want to do that is going to actually help enhance everything for him because we know when we see him go oh yeah and he sees you see that in him it’s it is ego but it’s one of those parts it’s like that I did that for my partner and he sees pleasure on you in you and that way you can keep that Balancing Act but understand when those days come when it’s the whole okay it’s tonight or it’s going to be tomorrow you need to find ways potentially to switch it up and sometimes that means a little less communication because of that erotic space you know a little bit of surprising a little bit of maybe not sharing that tomorrow is the day that you’re going to have sex and just get it all set up you might know in the back of his mind but just get the stage set and everything should happen just fine for you.

Dr. Diane: Yeah I love it I love it there’s so many things that you say that I talk about in my work too and I just you I don’t my specialty is not fertility it’s libido so it’s really enjoyable to to hear these topics applied to the F fertility space I talk a lot about like the concept of novelty in monogamy which is essentially exactly what you’re saying like how do we find ways in these long-term Partners where we go through the day-to-day how do we find that way to keep it like spicy and sexy and bring some passion and have that desire and everything you’re talking about so so amazing to bring that into the fertility space and but you know what they need to know also is you’re trying realize after you get pregnant and have a baby you’re still going to have to be creative so this is practice this is practice for Parenthood you know this this is practice of okay when are we putting the baby down I’m exhausted you’re exhausted what’s our timing on this you know lock the door you know where are we going to sneak this in so so trying and this we’re just building this in our relationship in practice all around before we have that baby so that we can still keep using those same skill sets after the baby is here yeah exactly right that’s such a good point well thank you so much for being with us was such a great convers ation I want to make sure we everybody knows how to get a hold of you I know we talked offline about lots of different ways to work together really really deep Dives of like putting all of these pieces together that you guys do at denovo around this entire infertility picture and supporting on so many different levels and then I also know that you have like an intro package that we want it to be very careful how people understand what that intro package is and then we have a discount for them so can you tell us a little bit about that as well.

De Novo Fertility

Jessica Preston: Yeah so we are a full team of coaches we have male coaches and female coaches and we have an entire program that does exactly this we focus on relationships and autonomic nervous system balance we talk about fertility and help with fertility on a a conscious subconscious and unconscious level so we do buy feedback and hypnotherapy because we need to break down those baby blocks we have a full service program that is coaching with also supplements included so it is a large program it’s 12 weeks long and so that is where we get really into this space of teaching AO dialogue and nonviolent communication so at uh you can sign up for a call with one of us you’ll get one of us one of our coaches if you go to denovo fertility uh online DeNovoFertility.com and that way you could speak with one of us about our programs and what might be what might work for you our intro program is a five weeks baby Basics and this is basically when you go and you say just got married or we’re thinking about having a baby what can I do to optimize my health and so it’s a wellness five weeks where basically you get our entire optimized nutrition plan you get our all of our uh programs all of our videos about how you should exercise sleep breathe your stress management and one week on relationships and that you can do through our app on your phone and so that is normally $397 we are giving you and your uh your people $300 off so it will be only $97 we are cautious about this it is an intro program our our larger program with our whole team where we’re looking at your conscious and subconscious levels that is if you’ve been trying if you’ve considered IVF or you’ve done IVF or you’re finding that you want something a little more natural and you’re really having more of a stress load in your infertility space that’s really where that is for if that is you baby Basics I don’t think is quite enough for you but please call us and we are happy to discuss all of our options with you and we’ll have that for everybody all of that information and the discount code everybody will be in the show notes from today so I just want to thank you again this was I I loved meeting you and I really adored this conversation so it’s nice to continue the convo from when you and I met over the past year and and I really am excited about everything you guys are doing over there so thanks so much for spending time with me today.

Jessica Preston: Oh thank you again so much for having me it was my pleasure and everybody just to say goodbye to you guys for another episode on the lounge remember to check out the show notes remember you can always find me by taking my liido quiz at libidoquiz.com.

Dr. Diane: And this is Dr. Diane, your liido doc signing off here reminding you to always stay classy always stay sexy and always be a little badassy we’ll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more! Modern Libido Club