Say Goodbye to Awkward Dirty Talks – Tips from a Sex Expert, Dr. Evelin Dacker

Introduction to the Libido Lounge

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is as important to health as exercise and good food. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode on the Lounge. I’m your libido expert, Dr. Diane Muer, and I’m so excited to invite Dr. Evelin Dacker to our show today. We’re going to have a great conversation. I was really inspired to get Dr. Dacker on the phone with me today because of so many areas of her work, but in particular her work around communication and how we talk about sex. She has a really great acronym and process for what she teaches about. We’re going to get into that today, and a lot of the episode will focus on communication—how we talk to our partners and each other about this very important topic. Thank you so much for being here with me today.

Dr. Evelin: Thank you, I’m excited to be here as well. I’d love, before we jump into the juiciness of the story, to hear a little bit about you.

Dr. Evelin Dacker’s Journey to Sexual Empowerment

From Roller Derby to Sexual Health Advocacy

Dr. Diane: You’ve got such an interesting direction as a doctor in your career, bringing so much communication and conversation around healthy sexuality, not just focusing on the physical component. I’m curious about your story—what happened or transpired to help you understand that this is such an important thing to talk about, and then to take it big, like getting on TEDx?

Dr. Evelin: It was roller derby, for real. Not figurative, but really. I joined a roller derby team when I was 44, and all of a sudden, being in a group of women who were in this place in their life of wanting to express themselves with avatars, dressing up, and being in a community of women really made me realize how little we know about sex, our own sexuality, and how little it’s talked about. I was not a good roller derby player, but I was kind of the team doc, and people were asking me questions. At the same time, I was getting a certification in functional medicine, which I called “hippie-dippie for MDs.” I realized, darn, I’m learning about the root causes of illness and disease, but we’re not talking about something so important—pleasure. What makes our life yummy? That’s where I started going into sexuality, but not from the lens of something being wrong, rather how we can make things great for ourselves.

Challenging Menopause Myths

Dr. Evelin: I was also 44, and as a doctor working with menopause and perimenopause for the last 20-30 years, I had this story in my head that, oh my God, I’m going to hit 50 and be dead sexually, because that’s the story we’re given. I decided that didn’t have to be true. I went deep into studying sexuality, not from the lens of medicine and dysfunction, but from what people are actually doing. People asked me, “What continuing education did you do?” and I laugh, saying I took classes at a sex store in Portland, Oregon, called SheBop, where they taught classes. I started learning from sex educators and realized there are really important things out there that are not known in the mainstream. I felt the world could be so different if we take lessons from sex-positive subcultures and bring them to the mainstream.

Dr. Diane: I love it. Definitely similar soul missions. I often say pleasure is not just about desire; it’s something we require. So much of motivation in medicine and society is about moving away from pain, which is important, but I appreciate what you’re doing—changing the orientation toward pleasure, making life more yummy.

Core Elements of Healthy Sexuality

The Importance of Communication

Dr. Diane: In these years of study, what have you found to be some of the core things that are important for healthy sexuality and sexual expression?

Dr. Evelin: Communication, of course. We say we have to talk about sex, but I realized we don’t have a framework to talk about it. So, I came up with one called the STARS talk, which I’ll get into in a minute. Another thing I noticed is that we need to understand ourselves, especially people raised as women. We’re not taught how to own our own sexuality, pleasure, and desires. So much of what we’re taught is about reproductive, penetrative, heterosexual sex. If we step away from that and relearn what sexuality means, we’re able to talk about it, ask for it, and keep it alive.

Dr. Diane: It’s so important because one of the biggest challenges is where to start. So many times, it’s a taboo thing to talk about, and I hear from my female patients this sense of “I’m doing it wrong” because we’re not taught that women’s and men’s processes are different. There’s this lack of communication, understanding, and awareness that there’s no right or wrong—it’s about consent, exploration, and communication.

The STARS Framework Explained

Overview of the STARS Acronym

Dr. Diane: Let’s get into your STARS framework. I want to make sure we cover it thoroughly.

Dr. Evelin: It’s an acronym, and each letter stands for something: Safety needs, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship values or intentions, and Sexual health/STI disclosure.

Safety Needs: The Foundation

Dr. Evelin: It starts with safety needs because we cannot open our heart, mind, or body if we’re not safe. What does safe mean? It’s about tuning into our body—somatic safety. For example, I don’t feel safe if someone is drinking a lot of alcohol, as I don’t feel consent is possible. I tell people I count drinks—if you have more than two, it changes our encounter. Other safety needs could be location—do I feel safe getting into a car with someone I haven’t met? By discussing this upfront, we can plan to ensure both parties feel safe. Safety isn’t just about condoms; it’s about what our body, mind, and spirit need to feel secure.

Turn-Ons and Avoids: Defining Preferences

Dr. Evelin: The second is turn-ons—what we like. I love good conversations; that helps me feel safe. I like to be touched slowly and softly, so I let my partners know. If they’re not doing it, I can say, “A little softer, a little slower,” and they don’t feel bad. I also love knowing what my partners like—how they want to be held or touched. The counter is avoids—what we don’t want, our boundaries. These could be things that trigger a trauma response. Consent has to come from a trauma-aware, embodied, attuned space. For many women, especially, it’s hard to know what they like because we’re taught to prioritize our partner’s pleasure. The STARS talk helps us own our desires.

Relationship Expectations and Intentions

Dr. Evelin: This is about what sex means to you and what you want in a relationship. Are you looking for fun, a distraction, sex, or partnership and love? Being clear helps navigate dating or relationships. For example, you might say, “We’re doing the domestic thing well, but I miss some spice.” Expectations are human, so let’s air them and be clear. I learned from kink and BDSM communities about creating a scene, communicating wants and don’ts, and having aftercare. I love that concept—why don’t we all have aftercare? I want to know what my partner needs post-intimacy, like being texted or not being ghosted, which is on my avoid list.

Sexual Health and STI Disclosure

Dr. Evelin: At the end, we talk about sexual health and STIs. Sexual health, especially as we age, includes things like normalizing lubricant use to prevent issues like bacterial vaginosis. Getting hard or wet doesn’t always mean you’re turned on or off—genital non-concordance is real. STI conversations are close to my heart because the stigma around them is more about our difficulty accepting sexuality than the infections themselves. For example, no one dies from genital herpes, yet it’s more stigmatized than COVID. If we bring these conversations into the light, test, and communicate results, we can destigmatize not just STIs but sexuality in general.

Dr. Diane: I love this framework because it breaks down how to talk about sex, covering all bases to deepen connection and care, whether with a short-term or long-term partner.

Initiating the STARS Talk

Overcoming the Awkwardness

Dr. Diane: How does someone initiate this conversation, especially if it feels scary with a new or long-term partner, or with outside noise like stress?

Dr. Evelin: When doing something new, it’s uncomfortable, like the first time getting naked with someone. Invite the awkward and be okay with it. I just say, “Hey, do you want to do a STARS talk? I heard about this thing, want to try it?” On my website, maketimeforthetalk.com, you can find the acronym and a free workbook. You can present it as a fun game, like on a first date: “I have this game, want to play the STARS talk?” I go through mine, then listen to theirs, and I’ve never had anyone say it feels weird. You can also share your STARS talk via email or cover the bases in normal conversation over time. It’s a grassroots movement to change how we date and have relationships. Try it, teach your friends and kids, and create a ripple effect.

Enhancing Flirtation and Play

Dr. Diane: I see this as a way to help with flirting, especially for couples who forget how to flirt or singles re-entering dating. It provides material for greater communication, intimacy, and playful flirting, like sending a text saying, “I was really turned on when you said this.”

Dr. Evelin: For sure, it can be incredibly playful. There’s nothing hotter than hearing what turns someone on. People are dying to have this conversation. When I’m snowboarding and someone asks what I do, I say I’m the libido doc, and the amount of information that pours out, even from strangers, shows how much people want to talk about it.

Final Thoughts and Empowerment

The Most Important STARS Talk

Dr. Diane: Any final things you want to make sure we cover today?

Dr. Evelin: The most important person to do a STARS talk with is yourself. We’re raised in a culture that doesn’t elevate the beauty and importance of our sexuality for our health and heart. This work is about feeling sexually empowered, not just hooking up. Sex does not die after 50. I’m in my late 50s and have the best sex I’ve ever had.

Dr. Diane: I love that. I once heard Richard Bandler say something like, “Are you telling me I’m going to practice something over and over and get worse at it?” It’s a great reframe on the myth that sex dies in long-term relationships or after a certain age. It can be the opposite if we put in time, effort, and energy. Thank you for being living proof of that.

Dr. Evelin: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to chat with you.

Connecting with Dr. Evelin Dacker

Dr. Diane: We’ll put information on how to get a hold of you in the show notes, including your website, maketimeforthetalk.com. Any other ways to connect or work with you?

Dr. Evelin: I’m also a menopause doctor and do a lot of work around women and transitions, keeping life yummy. I love working with women through transitions and sexuality.

Dr. Diane: All that information will be in the show notes. Thank you for being here, and thank all our listeners for another great episode. In 2024, when you download, rate, review, and share these podcasts, whoever has the most downloads, highest ratings, and shares, we’re inviting them back for a super-duper deep dive. I’d love to continue this conversation, so please share and download this episode to help get these reviews up so we can invite Dr. Dacker back. This is Dr. Diane signing off, reminding you to always stay sexy, always be classy, and always stay a little badass-y. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!