Taboos in Sex: Exploring Fantasies and Breaking Stigmas with Dr. Toni Bear | Ep 57

Welcome to the Libido Lounge

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is just as important to health as exercise and good food.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Lounge. I’m your libido host and expert, Dr. Diane, and I’m so excited to introduce you to a new friend of mine—a sexologist, an amazing educator, coach, and so much more. This is Dr. Toni Bear. We’re going to have the best time today.

Dr. Toni: Oh, thank you so much for inviting me. I am super looking forward to this conversation.

From Personal Trauma to Passionate Advocacy

Dr. Diane: Me too. We’re going to talk about fantasy, stigma, and more—but let’s start with your story. You were telling me offline how you got into this work. It’s such a unique entrance into sex education and coaching. Would you share as much as you’re comfortable?

Dr. Toni: Sure. There are many steps to the story, but I’ll try to keep it brief. When I went to graduate school, they told us to pick a dissertation topic we had a fire in our belly about—because life gets in the way, and passion is what keeps you going.

At the time, my passion was my little sister. Trigger warning: she attempted suicide while coming out as gay. We had such an open-minded family, I couldn’t understand why. I was the one who found her and took her to the hospital. It was the 1980s, and my dissertation in the 1990s focused on helping young people come out in healthy ways.

That evolved into a broader exploration of sexual difference—fantasies, identities, and desires that don’t fit the “heterosexual, married, with kids” mold. I couldn’t wait to retire after 40 years of teaching so I could do this full-time.

Now, I help people, mostly heterosexual partnered women, talk about their fantasies, normalize them, communicate them, and feel okay with themselves.

Breaking Shame and Reclaiming Pleasure

Dr. Diane: I love that. I see so many women dealing with shame around even masturbation or just looking at their own anatomy. It’s so deeply woven in us. How do you help people work through that shame? And what’s the utility of fantasy in that healing?

Dr. Toni: Fantasies are vital—they live in your mind and expand your imagination. They help with creativity, connection, arousal, even lubrication. When I tell men what I do, they often want to give me their wife’s number—especially if it involves something kinky!

Shame often stems from religious or spiritual traditions. I remember my mother saying “shame, shame” whenever we touched near our genitals. She was raised in a convent as a foster child, which shaped her messaging. If I can help anyone move past that voice in their head, I want to.

Dr. Diane: Yes! I recently learned the word “pudendal”—as in the pudendal nerve that connects to the clitoris—comes from a root word meaning “body part to be ashamed of.” Even in medical language, shame is embedded.

Fantasy as a Tool for Presence and Excitement

Dr. Diane: I also see people struggle with staying present and enjoying intimacy. Do you find fantasy helps people stay present or reignite connection?

Dr. Toni: Absolutely. It creates expansion of possibility. If your sex life is always A–B–C–D, it gets boring. Many people aren’t open to trying different things, but fantasy can re-ignite the excitement. Our listeners tend to be open-minded, which helps.

It also supports medical functioning—stimulation, lubrication, hormonal balance. If religious blocks exist, I tell people what my father told me: accept the parts of your faith that serve you and recognize that some parts are archaic.

Dr. Diane: Yes, I relate. I was raised very Catholic, and shedding that dogma has been important in reclaiming this area of life.

How to Begin Talking About Fantasies

Dr. Diane: For someone who has a fantasy and is terrified to bring it up—what’s your advice? How can they start?

Dr. Toni: I recently worked with a couple where I gave one partner a checklist of different sexual activities—including some kinkier ones. She showed it to her partner over dinner, saying, “I came across this fun checklist online—it got me thinking.” It was a great conversation starter, and they ended up with a list of things they want to try.

Dr. Diane: That’s such a great way to break the “sexual script” we always talk about. Do you find that when people start exploring fantasy, it sparks their libido again?

Dr. Toni: For some, it’s a complete renaissance. Many believe that low libido is inevitable or that passion must fade, but it doesn’t have to. Sexual activity benefits health—blood flow, mental clarity, hormonal balance. Why would we drop it as we age if we still prioritize diet and exercise?

Consent, Safety, and Building Trust

Dr. Diane: With libido issues being so individual—stress, hormones, relationships, etc.—how do you help people explore fantasy safely?

Dr. Toni: Before safety, we start with consent. Consent is non-negotiable. You don’t surprise someone with your fantasy. Safety is next. For example, bondage is in the top 10 women’s fantasies every year, but rope around the wrists can cause nerve damage. I suggest starting with something like a scarf instead—and having scissors nearby just in case.

What’s considered “kinky” is relative. To my parents’ generation, missionary was the norm. In mine—I’m in my 60s—it’s different positions. Today, oral sex is seen as very normal. Norms shift over time.

Navigating Complex or Conflicting Fantasies

Dr. Diane: What if one partner loves something—say, a threesome—and the other is absolutely not into it? How do you help couples through that?

Dr. Toni: Compromise. And that doesn’t mean doing it or avoiding it—it means finding the middle. Maybe you watch a movie with that fantasy. Maybe you read erotica to each other. It’s about engaging the fantasy without threatening the relationship. Communication is key. Talk before and after.

Many couples do have open relationships or explore polyamory. Others break up when needs aren’t honestly communicated. The most important part is honesty and communication.

The Role of Community and Ongoing Growth

Dr. Diane: Is there anything else beyond safety, consent, and communication that you find to be a must-have in this work?

Dr. Toni: Yes—community. After working with me, I often introduce women to group discussions with other clients. It helps continue the conversation and normalize their journey. There is a community out there in every part of the country that shares your fantasy—you’re not alone. But I also help people navigate the dysfunctions in those communities. There’s no perfect space—it’s all part of the process.

Dr. Diane: I couldn’t agree more. I’ve experienced that myself too.

Final Thoughts from Dr. Diane

Dr. Diane: This has been such a rich conversation, and I hope it opens the door for many of you to get curious, feel seen, and start important conversations in your own relationships.

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