Welcome to the Libido Lounge

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is as important to health as exercise and good food. I’m Dr. Diane, your libido expert, and today we’re diving into The Dialogue of Desire—how communication shapes desire, sex, intimacy, and relationships.

The Pressure of Faking It

Dr. Diane: I want to start with a story. I was reflecting on a time in my early 20s when I found myself faking a lot of orgasms. I was in a long-distance relationship with a very sweet man. The relationship began locally, but we moved apart for career reasons and only saw each other every month or two.

There was so much emotion—desire driven by the distance and longing. I remember driving away after our weekends together, often crying so hard I had to pull over. What really stood out though, was that I started feeling like I had to fake orgasms.

Why Women Fake It

Dr. Diane: I say “had to” because this is a common experience for many women. There are so many reasons we fake it—tiredness, stress, pressure, or simply not feeling pleasure. But a deeper reason is often the desire to affirm our partner—to say, “You did it, you made me feel good.”

Faking can become a pattern. The danger is that it teaches our partners that what they’re doing works, even if it doesn’t. That leads to more of the same, and a cycle where we aren’t getting real pleasure—and we’re too tired or overwhelmed to correct it.

The First Step: Honest Dialogue With Yourself

Dr. Diane: When I teach the Dialogue of Desire, I emphasize that the first conversation isn’t with your partner—it’s with yourself. Ask: Why am I faking it? Is it pain? Pressure? Exhaustion? Or is the sex simply not enjoyable?

Then go deeper. Are you having the right kind of sex for your body?

Anatomy, Hormones, and the Myth of “Normal”

Dr. Diane: So much of pleasure depends on anatomy. For example, the position of the clitoris in relation to the vaginal opening (the introitus) affects whether penetration feels orgasmic. Many women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, and that’s totally normal—it’s anatomy, not failure.

Early in relationships, hormones make us extra sensitive. As time passes and hormones settle, things that once worked might not anymore. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or the relationship—it just means we need to adapt and keep things fresh.

The Everyday Moments That Build Desire

Dr. Diane: The Dialogue of Desire isn’t just about what happens in bed. It’s built on how you greet each other, say goodbye, reconnect after time apart, and even how you text.

Remember those early days of dating? Sweet texts, butterflies, flirty energy? Those little things matter more than we realize—and they’re often the first to go when life gets busy.

Simple Practices That Reignite Intimacy

Dr. Diane: One powerful tool? The 20-second hug. That’s the amount of time it takes to release oxytocin—the bonding hormone. Try it. Sink into your partner’s skin. Be present. No mental to-do lists—just the two of you.

This simple gesture builds trust and safety, and sets the stage for bigger conversations down the road.

Creating a Safe Space for Honest Conversations

Dr. Diane: When we feel secure, it’s easier to talk about sensitive topics like pleasure, desire, and yes—even faking it. But tread carefully. Sometimes it’s best not to confess past faking but to shift the focus forward: “Here’s what I’d like to try.”

If you do choose to open up about faking, make sure there’s deep trust, love, and emotional safety in place. Otherwise, just stop faking—and start guiding your partner toward what does work for you.

Don’t Wait for Spontaneity—Create It

Dr. Diane: We often expect flirting to come naturally, but in long-term relationships, it can take intention. Set a phone reminder: “Send a flirty text.” It may feel awkward at first—especially after 20+ years together—but these small acts rebuild the fun, the spark, and the playfulness that are the foundation of desire.

Start With You—Then Build Together

Dr. Diane: So the Dialogue of Desire begins with you. Are you getting enough touch? Are your texts playful? Are your greetings full of warmth? These daily moments form the groundwork for more meaningful intimacy.

When we build safety, connection, and flirtation into our daily lives, the bigger, deeper conversations become easier—and more successful.

Ready to Go Deeper?

Dr. Diane: I hope this has been helpful. If you want to go deeper, check out my Communication Workshop—linked in the comments. Share this episode with a friend who might need it.

I’m Dr. Diane, reminding you to always stay sexy, always stay classy, and don’t forget to be a little badassy.

You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!