Why Talking About Sex Feels So Hard

Common Barriers to Talking About Sex

Let’s start with the obvious: why is it so hard to talk about sex? For many of us, it comes down to a few key reasons:

• Fear of hurting your partner’s ego. When we bring up things we’d like to change or improve, it can feel like we’re criticizing our partner’s abilities in the bedroom. No one wants to feel like they’re a “bad lover,” so these conversations can feel loaded with potential for hurt feelings.
• The vulnerability of expressing desires. Talking about what you want (or don’t want) in bed requires a level of openness that can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to having these kinds of conversations.
• The assumption is that “they should just know.” Many people believe that if their partner truly loves them, they should instinctively know what they want in bed. But the reality is, no one is a mind reader—and expecting your partner to know your preferences is a recipe for frustration magically.

Why Talking About Sex is Worth It

Here’s the good news: talking about sex doesn’t have to be awkward or uncomfortable. It can be incredibly sexy. When you and your partner communicate openly about your desires, you create a space where both of you feel seen, heard, and understood. And the more you talk, the better your sex life will become.

When and Where to Have These Conversations

Timing is Key

Not every moment is the right moment to have a conversation about sex. For example:

• Don’t bring it up right after a disappointing experience. If one of you is feeling frustrated or disconnected, it’s not the best time to discuss what went wrong.
• Do bring it up when you’re both relaxed and in a good space. Choose a time when you’re both feeling connected and open to talking.
• After an amazing session? Even better. If you’ve just had a great experience together, it’s the perfect time to celebrate what worked and explore ways to make it even better.

Choosing the Right Setting

The setting for these conversations is just as important as the timing. Here are a few tips:

• Keep the bedroom sacred. If the bedroom is your main space for intimacy, avoid having heavy or critical conversations there. You don’t want to associate your sacred space with tension or awkwardness.
• Pick a neutral, comfortable environment. A cozy spot on the couch, a walk in the park, or even a quiet dinner can be great places to talk openly.
• Avoid moments of stress or distraction. If your partner is preoccupied with work, kids, or other responsibilities, it’s not the best time to bring up sensitive topics.

How to Talk About Sex Without Making It Awkward

Start with What You Love

One of the easiest ways to start a conversation about sex is by focusing on what’s already working. Instead of jumping straight into what you’d like to change, try highlighting the things you absolutely love about your intimate moments.

Examples of Positive Framing

• Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do that,” try, “I love when you…”
• Be specific! For instance, “I love it when you kiss my neck just below my ear—it gives me chills!”

Starting with the positives sets a supportive tone and helps your partner feel confident and appreciated.

Make Requests, Not Criticisms

No one likes to feel criticized, especially when it comes to something as personal as sex. Instead of framing your feedback as a critique, try making it a request or a shared exploration.

How to Reframe Criticism

• Replace “You always…” with “I’d love it if we tried…”
• Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you love most about our intimate moments?”

This approach keeps the conversation collaborative and focused on growth rather than blame.

Ask for Permission

If you’re unsure how to start the conversation, try asking for permission first. For example:

• “Hey, I’ve been thinking about ways to improve our intimacy—would now be a good time to chat?”

This signals respect for your partner’s time and energy and ensures they’re in the right headspace to have a productive conversation.

Getting Specific: What Turns You On (And What Doesn’t)

How to Share Your Desires

When talking about your desires, the more specific you can be, the better.

Examples of Specificity

• Instead of vague statements like, “I like it when you touch me there,” try painting a clear picture of what you enjoy.
• For example: “I love it when you run your fingers slowly down my back before moving lower.”

The more detail you provide, the easier it will be for your partner to understand exactly what you want—and the more likely they’ll be able to deliver.

How to Bring Up Things That Don’t Work

Talking about things that don’t work for you can feel tricky, but it doesn’t have to be. The key is to frame your feedback in a constructive and collaborative way.

Reframing Negative Feedback

• Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do that,” try, “I’ve realized I enjoy it more when you do this instead.”
• Use “we” language instead of “you” language:
  • “Sometimes when we do X, I notice it doesn’t have the same effect on me—can we try doing Y instead?”

This approach helps your partner feel like you’re working together to improve your intimacy, rather than placing blame.

The “Yes, No, Maybe” Game

Not everything has to be a hard “yes” or “no.” There’s often a middle ground where you can explore new things together.

How to Use the Game

• “I may not love X, but I’d be open to exploring Y. What do you think?”

This encourages curiosity and compromise while respecting each other’s boundaries.

Why Great Sex is a Skill You Can Learn

The Secret to Long-Term Passion

Here’s a little secret: great sex isn’t something that happens—it’s something you can learn, practice, and keep improving over time.

So many couples fall into the trap of thinking that sex should be effortless if they’re truly compatible. But just like anything else in life, intimacy is a skill that requires communication, curiosity, and a willingness to grow together.

Why Communication is Key

The best lovers are the ones who listen, learn, and explore. And the more you practice talking about sex, the better your connection—and your pleasure—will become.

Your Next Steps

Key Takeaways

Ready to take your intimacy to the next level? Here’s what to do next:

• Have a conversation with your partner. Pick one tip from here and try it out.
• Share this article. If you found this helpful, share it with friends who could use a little intimacy boost.
• Keep learning. For more tips and insights, connect with me on YouTube or Instagram, or listen to more of our Libido Lounge podcast!

Talking about sex doesn’t have to be awkward or intimidating. With the right approach, it can be one of the most empowering and exciting conversations you’ll ever have. So go ahead—start the conversation, and watch your intimacy soar.