Why You’re Not Turned On: The Truth About Low Desire, Sexual Shame & Mismatched Libidos | Ep 75
Ever wondered why you don’t crave sex the way you used to? Or why your partner always seems to want it more (or less) than you? You’re not broken—but the way we’ve been taught to think about desire is.
In this episode, I sit down with Susan Morgan Taylor, a renowned somatic sex therapist, to uncover the real reasons behind low sex drive, desire discrepancies, and why women are often blamed for “not wanting it enough.”
If you’ve ever felt disconnected, pressured, or “not in the mood” more than you’d like, this episode will change everything you thought you knew about desire.
Get the FREE Pleasure Keys eBook → www.pleasurekeys.com
The Connection Code Monthly Masterclass https://www.pathwaytopleasure.com/how-to-resolve-mismatched-libido-masterclass.html
Watch Part 2 of the video here: https://platinumself.circle.so/checkout/libido-lounge
More from Susan Morgan Taylor:
Website: www.susanmorgantaylor.com Pathway to Pleasure: www.pathwaytopleasure.com The Pleasure Keys Retreats: www.pleasurekeys.com
About the Guest:
Susan Morgan Taylor, MA, is a somatic sex therapist who has helped hundreds of couples reignite their sex lives and deepen intimacy. She is the creator of The Pleasure Keys Process™, a three-part approach designed to help partners break free from sexual frustration and self-sacrifice.
After leaving a sexless marriage, Susan discovered that pleasure and orgasm are natural states—already within us, just waiting to be unlocked. With over 25 years of experience in body-based healing, she now teaches couples how to get back on the same page in the bedroom—without guilt, shame, or obligation.
Table of Contents
Introduction to the Episode
Dr. Diane: Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge! I’m thrilled to introduce my guest, a new friend, Susan Morgan Taylor. Susan is an amazing holistic sex therapist who bridges sexuality and spirituality, helping women and couples restore their relationships, reignite passion, and normalize conversations around sexuality. We’ll dive into desire discrepancy, the art of presence, somatic work, and break down myths about desire. Welcome to the lounge, Susan!
Susan: Thank you so much, Diane! I’m excited to be here and can’t wait to dive into this conversation.
Understanding Desire Discrepancy
What Is Desire Discrepancy?
Dr. Diane: Let’s jump right in and talk about desire. There are so many myths about what desire “should” feel like, fueled by porn, media, and societal expectations. Susan, what’s the truth about desire, and how do we break it down?
Susan: One of the biggest challenges I see in my work, primarily with couples, is what’s commonly called mismatched libido or high sex drive versus low sex drive. The clinical term is desire discrepancy. The issue often arises when the higher-desire partner tries to get the lower-desire partner to match their level, leaving the lower-desire partner feeling broken or in need of fixing. This approach is flawed. We need to move away from the idea of high libido versus low libido.
Three Key Factors Behind Desire Discrepancy
Susan: There are three main keys I teach in my monthly Master Class. First, we have different arousal maps. We’re wired differently, with unique ways of becoming interested in sex. Some people respond to explicit, genital-focused touch, while others need a slower, more sensual approach or teasing to get aroused. When couples don’t understand their own or their partner’s arousal styles, it leads to disconnect. Nobody’s broken, and nobody needs fixing—understanding these differences clarifies what’s happening.
Solving Desire Discrepancy
Beyond Meeting in the Middle
Dr. Diane: When couples face desire discrepancy, some try to “meet in the middle”—like compromising on frequency. But that often leaves both partners unsatisfied. Where do people begin to solve this in a way that works?
Susan: In my Pleasure Keys process, used in my couples’ retreats, we focus on three steps: Notice, Name, Negotiate. The first step is noticing, which involves accessing direct pleasure. There are two ways to experience pleasure: indirect (like watching porn or fantasizing) and direct (through nerve endings in the skin to the brain). Couples struggling with desire discrepancy often have a limited capacity to access direct pleasure, which hinders their ability to know what they want or don’t want. Opening this direct pathway is the starting point.
The Role of Presence in Pleasure
Dr. Diane: I’ve always said the pathway to pleasure is tied to presence. Is that part of your somatic work—helping people be present in their bodies to access this direct pathway?
Susan: Absolutely. Being present in the body clears the debris from that direct pleasure pathway. It’s simple: we start by noticing physical sensations. Everyone can do this—it’s like exercising a muscle. We begin with non-sexual sensations, like feeling the weight of a chair or air on the skin, to shift awareness from the mind to the body. This brings us into the present moment, which is the quickest path to accessing pleasure.
The Three N’s: Notice, Name, Negotiate
Step 1: Noticing Sensations
Susan: Noticing is about slowing down and finding pleasure where it already exists in the body, not forcing it. This skill expands arousal and pleasure naturally. We don’t think of sex as a “doing” but as a process of being present.
Step 2: Naming Needs and Desires
Susan: Once you’re good at noticing, you move to naming—not just what you notice but what you want, need, or are willing to do. This discernment comes from a connection to your body’s direct pleasure pathway. You can name needs internally (e.g., “I need to slow down”) or relationally (e.g., “I’d like my partner to do this”).
Step 3: Negotiating with Clarity
Susan: Negotiating is advocating for your desires or needs, either for yourself or with your partner. It can be verbal or non-verbal, but clarity is key. When couples have a common language and framework, negotiation reduces threats like rejection or judgment. A “no” isn’t a rejection—it’s an opportunity to explore what else might work within each partner’s limits.
Addressing Low Desire in Women
Common Causes of Low Desire
Dr. Diane: Many women feel they lack desire altogether, making it hard to even start these conversations. What are the root causes of low desire in women?
Susan: Women are often context-oriented, meaning their desire is influenced by their environment, body image, relationship dynamics, or work stress. There’s also a myth that women want sex less than men, which isn’t always true. Several factors contribute to low desire. First, women often don’t know their bodies have as much erectile tissue as men’s, spread over a larger area, requiring 21 or more minutes of foreplay for consistent orgasm during penetrative sex. Most men ejaculate in 2 to 7 minutes, creating a disconnect. If this isn’t addressed, women lose interest over time, feeling there’s nothing in it for them.
The Importance of Emotional Connection
Susan: Emotional connection is critical. If women don’t feel connected to their partner or are stuck in their prefrontal cortex (the “doing” mind), it’s hard to relax into arousal. Women need time to shift to the parasympathetic nervous system, where brain waves slow down, allowing arousal to build.
Bridging Spirituality and Sexuality
Spirituality as Presence and Truth
Dr. Diane: You focus on bridging spirituality and sexuality. How do you bring these together, and what does it look like?
Susan: It’s simple but profound: spirituality is about being in the present moment and embracing truth. Being present in your body, feeling what’s there, and honestly acknowledging your emotions—even the “ugly” ones like anger or jealousy—brings you into the now. Sharing that truth with your partner fosters connection. There’s nothing more spiritual than the right now moment. Telling the truth, even about difficult emotions, reignites passion and shifts stagnant relationships.
Embracing All Emotions
Susan: The spiritual practice of love is about embracing everything—shame, jealousy, anger, joy, pleasure. Denying “bad” feelings pushes us away from connection, love, and pleasure. Embracing all emotions as normal human experiences opens the door to deeper intimacy and orgasmic potential.
Practical Steps and Resources
Susan’s Offerings for Couples and Individuals
Dr. Diane: Before we wrap up, tell us about your free eBook, retreats, and other offerings.
Susan: My free eBook, available at pleasurekeys.com, outlines the three keys to deepening pleasure, increasing orgasmic potential, and creating mutual sexual fulfillment. It’s a practical guide to the concepts we’ve discussed. My Pleasure Keys Retreats, detailed at pathwaytopleasure.com, are immersive experiences to learn these skills in a non-sexual, supportive environment. They provide a common language and roadmap for couples to resolve desire discrepancies. I also offer a free monthly Master Class, The Connection Code, on the five keys to deepening connection and resolving mismatched libido, accessible via my website.
Joining the Libido Club for Part Two
Dr. Diane: For part two, where we’ll explore the number one question every couple should know and dive deeper into pleasure and paradox, join our Modern Libido Club at https://mylibidodoc.com/club. Check the show notes for all of Susan’s links, including her eBook and retreats. Thank you, Susan, for being here—it’s been a true pleasure!
Susan: Thank you, Diane, for having me!
Dr. Diane: Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please share this with your friends! You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!
