Will Your Relationship Last? Insights from a Divorce Attorney | Ep 42

Welcome to the Libido Lounge

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is as important to your health as exercise and good food.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Lounge. I’m libido expert and your host, Dr. Diane Mueller. I am so excited to introduce you to Sarah Intelligator today. She is a divorce attorney who has turned into a relationship expert. What a cool combination—talking to couples for so long about what didn’t work in their relationships gives her incredible insight into how to help them now.

From Divorce Attorney to Relationship Coach

Dr. Diane: Sarah, I’m just so excited to have you with us. There are so many questions I have. Can you tell us a little bit about what you were noticing as a divorce attorney that inspired you to help couples before they ended up in your office?

Sarah Intelligator: Of course. I’ve been a divorce attorney for close to 20 years, and I started noticing patterns in the marriages that were ending. I thought, if I could reach people before they got to my office—if I could show them why marriages fail—I might be able to prevent them from ending up there in the first place.

So I wrote a book called Live, Laugh, Find True Love. It breaks these patterns down into six categories and teaches people what not to do, by highlighting the mistakes others have repeatedly made.

Dr. Diane: I love that. As a functional medicine doctor, everything I do is rooted in prevention, so I really appreciate that approach to relationships too.

The Six F-Words That Predict Relationship Failure

Dr. Diane: You mentioned there are six “bad F-words” in your book. Beyond the obvious four-letter one, what are those and what do they mean?

Sarah Intelligator: Right, so these are what I call the “fail factors”—the six F-words. They are:

• Fundamental Values
• Fear
• Foundation
• Fixing
• Family
• Fairy Tale

I don’t list them in any specific order in the book, because they’re all important, but I do believe Fundamental Values is the most critical.

Why Fundamental Values Are Non-Negotiable

Dr. Diane: Do you think there are one or two of those that are absolutely essential for a relationship to work?

Sarah Intelligator: Absolutely. While they’re all important, I do believe Fundamental Values are foundational. If partners don’t share fundamental values, it’s hard to progress in a relationship. These are different from fleeting interests like loving to travel or trying new things—those change. Values don’t.

There are exercises in the book to help people define their own fundamental values, so they can then look for a partner who shares them.

Dr. Diane: What if someone discovers, after doing your exercises, that they don’t share values with their current partner? Is that a dealbreaker?

Sarah Intelligator: Not always. It depends on how misaligned the values are and how long the couple’s been together. Sometimes people think they don’t share values, but they’ve been together so long that there must be some underlying alignment—they just haven’t defined it properly yet. But yes, misalignment in fundamental values can absolutely lead to relationship breakdown over time.

Dating Is a Job Interview

Dr. Diane: So when people are dating, when should they be talking about values? Do you recommend they ask directly?

Sarah Intelligator: Yes! I actually call it the “job interview.” Dating is a job interview. There’s an exercise in the book where you list your own values and then come up with questions to figure out if your date shares them. You don’t have to pull out a clipboard on the first date, but you should know what you’re listening for.

Think of it this way: you’re hiring someone for the most important job in your life—your life partner.

The Dangers of Fear-Based Decisions

Dr. Diane: Let’s talk about fear. Which F-word comes next in importance?

Sarah Intelligator: Definitely Fear. I believe fear is the number one reason relationships fail. People stay because they’re afraid—afraid they won’t find someone better, afraid of being alone, afraid of aging. But fear isn’t a long-term survival tool. It protects us in the short term, like keeping us from jumping into shark-infested waters. But it doesn’t help us choose a life partner.

We have to learn to listen to our intellect and intuition instead.

Intuition vs. Fear—How to Tell the Difference

Dr. Diane: That’s such a hard distinction to make. How can someone tell the difference between fear and intuition?

Sarah Intelligator: Great question. I think we do hear our intuition, we just ignore it. Like Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket—we hear the voice, but we don’t want to deal with what happens if we follow it. We worry about the hard conversations or the breakup.

But intuition is long-term. Fear is short-term. Fear feels like a warm, safe blanket, but it’s not protecting your future. Intellect and intuition are the long-term protectors. If you’re afraid now, ask yourself: what will I feel 10 years from now if I don’t listen to this?

The Fairy Tale Trap

Dr. Diane: That’s powerful. And it leads into another F-word: Fairy Tale. Can you speak to that?

Sarah Intelligator: Yes. Many people are caught up in the fantasy—the proposal, the wedding, the Instagram story. But no one talks about what “happily ever after” really looks like. Life happens. Things get hard. How do you navigate those times together?

Which brings us to Foundation, another F-word. That includes five pillars:

• Honesty
• Trust
• Teamwork
• Respect
• Communication

Infatuation is powerful, but it fades. You have to be able to ground yourself and not make lifelong decisions when you’re floating on hormones and butterflies.

Foundational Communication Skills

Dr. Diane: I want to touch on Communication. What are the most essential communication skills couples need?

Sarah Intelligator: Communication needs to be open, honest, and transparent. Here’s a simple example: a woman asks her partner, “How do I look in this dress?” He says, “You look great,” but he doesn’t believe it. Why? Maybe he’s scared of her reaction.

If she lashes out when he tells the truth, she’s teaching him to lie. If we want honest communication, we have to make it safe for honesty.

Wrapping Up

Dr. Diane: I love that example—it really makes the point. Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom today. I know this is just scratching the surface of what you offer, but it’s been incredibly helpful.

Sarah Intelligator: Thank you so much for having me. It’s been a pleasure.

Dr. Diane: For those of you listening, don’t forget to check out Sarah’s book Live, Laugh, Find True Love. And if you loved today’s conversation, you can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!