Why do most men orgasm almost every time they have sex, while so many women in long-term relationships rarely—or never—do from penetration alone?
Men hit climax in over 95% of encounters. For women, the numbers drop hard: often landing in the 60s or even as low as the teens when it’s penetration-focused, with recent data showing only about 18% of women reliably orgasm from intercourse without extra clitoral attention. This isn’t some inevitable biological failure or “just how women are built.” It’s a massive education gap around pleasure anatomy, not orientation. Couples stay stuck in friction-based routines that leave her disconnected, frustrated, and quietly resentful while he wonders why the spark keeps fading. The emotional and relational cost is real—midlife disconnection, shame around desire that won’t cooperate, and sex that feels more like obligation than mutual fire.
In this raw conversation, Dr. Diane Mueller sits down with Dr. Saida Désilets and Aaron Michael to rip apart the orgasm gap and introduce a pleasure system that treats bodies as complementary rather than mismatched. They break down why women often don’t orgasm during penetrative sex, how lack of proper pleasure anatomy education keeps the gap wide open, and practical ways couples can move toward mutual orgasms without endless tips and techniques. Expect straight talk on root causes physical, emotional, and relational plus a fresh methodology that builds systemic change through breath, movement, sensuality training, and active receiving instead of passive surrender or dominant friction.
You won’t want to miss this if you’re a woman in a monogamous relationship tired of faking it, checking out mentally, or wondering if deeper connection and real pleasure are still possible without rewriting your entire life.
About the Guests – Dr. Saida Désilets & Aaron Michael
Dr. Saida Désilets wants to live in a world filled with audacious, sexually sovereign people, living life on their own terms. As a Tedx speaker, counter-culture creatrix, and author, her scientifically proven work on sexual sovereignty globally impacts professionals and the public. When not facilitating transformational programs, Dr. Saida enjoys leading Wilderness Safaris in South Africa and swimming in the Aegean Sea.
Aaron Michael is your coach’s coach, helping others discover, explore and integrate their sex life by providing a no BS, pleasure-based sex education. He’s the author of medical & therapeutic protocols, the book Optimal Sex Life, creator of Bedroom Masterclass, and Founder of SuctionSexTM—an Enactive Sexual method that’s changing how the world makes love and how sex therapy and coaching is done.
YeahFap.com
9NaughtyNights.com
AwakenSensualWoman.com
EmbodiedLoveUniversity.com
Table of Contents
The Orgasm Gap: Why So Many Women Still Don’t Orgasm During Penetration and How Couples Can Finally Experience Mutual Orgasms
The Orgasm Gap: Why So Many Women Still Don’t Orgasm During Penetration and How Couples Can Finally Experience Mutual Orgasms
Why do most men orgasm almost every single time they have sex while so many women in committed relationships rarely or never do from penetration alone?
Men reach orgasm in over 95% of sexual encounters. For women, the numbers tell a different story. Recent data shows only about 18% of women reliably orgasm from intercourse alone without additional clitoral stimulation, with many studies placing consistent female orgasm during penetration between 25-65% depending on the context. In heterosexual relationships, the orgasm gap remains stubborn—women often land in the 50-65% range while their male partners hit near-perfect rates. This isn’t an unsolvable biological mismatch or “just how it is.” It’s largely a massive lack of pleasure anatomy education that keeps couples stuck in friction-based routines that leave her frustrated, disconnected, and quietly shutting down while sex slowly loses its spark.
In this episode of the Libido Lounge, Dr. Diane Mueller dives deep into the orgasm gap with special guests Dr. Saida Désilets and Aaron Michael. They expose the real reasons why women don’t orgasm during sex, challenge common myths around lasting longer, and share a practical pleasure methodology that treats bodies as a complementary system rather than opposing ones. You’ll hear about moving beyond tips and techniques toward systemic change through sensuality training, breath work, active receiving, embodied consent, and suction-based connection that opens the door to mutual orgasm couples actually crave.
This conversation is raw, intelligent, and solution-focused—no fluff, just honest talk about what’s at stake emotionally, relationally, and sexually when the gap stays open.
Defining the Orgasm Gap
Dr. Diane: Hi everybody. Welcome back to the lounge. I am so excited to bring on two very special guests today. And as always, I’m your host, Dr. Diane. And we’re going to talk today about something we’ve talked about before. We’re going to get a very different unique perspective and also different and unique solutions for you guys. So, we’re talking today about the orgasm gap. We’re talking about intimacy. We’re going to learn about a new pleasure methodology for you guys. And as always, we’re going to talk about solutions, strategies, and action steps. So, to lead us in this conversation, I’m so excited to introduce you to Dr. Saida and Aaron Michael as they are founders of Embodied Love University where they are experts who have been working on this for decades formulating their programs, their protocols, their methodologies to really help people bust down myths around sex and rebuild up their intimacy life in a way that works. So thank you so much for joining me today. It’s just an absolute pleasure to meet you both and get to know you a bit.
Dr. Saida & Aaron Michael: Thank you for having us. Yeah, we’re very excited too and absolutely love the look. It’s very hot, very sexy.
Dr. Diane: That is the goal with what we do, you know. So, I know my audience, I know everybody listening, most people have heard of the orgasm gap and have not can probably infer from that, but just to make sure before we jump in with questions, can you guys define, you know, how you would define the orgasm gap because I just want to make sure if anybody is not caught up on this that we catch them up before we dive in.
Aaron Michael: I mean, the most basic way of looking at it is the percentage of men that have an orgasm every time they have sex is well above 95%. I think it’s maybe 97-98%. And then depending on what statistics you read, if they’re in a relationship, it can be in the 60s. And then if they’re not, and I’ve even heard lower down to like the 12% for a woman having an orgasm during sex. And this is from penetration alone. I think the higher statistics are if you have foreplay involved and the lower ones are not. Interestingly enough, those that are in couples in relationships have slightly higher percentages both for men and women as opposed to one night stands.
Why Women Don’t Orgasm During Sex – The Root Causes
Dr. Diane: So why do you think this is? Why do you think we have the orgasm gap? And I think that you know people kind of see like understand some level of like you know like what maybe people would say would be obvious around well it’s just like women do need more time to warm up to get their juices flowing to get that blood flow to the erectile tissue. But in your experience with what you’ve studied, what would you say are the top like root causes both physical, emotional, you know, relational and more from a standpoint of why this gap is occurring? And I also want to just name right now for listeners that what you heard around hey, you know, the lower percentage of women that have orgasms. Obviously, we’re talking about penetrative sex, but I always like to name just because you haven’t had an orgasm yet or you haven’t had one in a long time. This is all fixable, which is why you have experts like Dr. Saida and Aaron and myself to help you with these things. So, with that, you know, without further ado, please do, you know, comment if you would on like some of those root causes for us.
Dr. Saida: There’s a lot of different reasons this could be happening, but one of the things that we look at is a lack of education. We for some reason have chosen not to teach people about the most foundational way to connect, which is penetration. It doesn’t matter what orientation a person is sexually, you’re usually wanting to stick something in something. And if that’s not done well, then there’s a problem. So, when it comes to heterosexual relationships, that’s where the biggest gap is found. And we just really believe that when people don’t understand how the different bodies could work together, the pleasure system that’s involved versus looking at it from a reproductive point of view, really looking at it from pleasure anatomy and then not understanding how to even work their own body in a way that can create synergy and mutual pleasure. So a lot of our work addresses this. We wrote a paper where we studied the method. We had incredible results with very little. So what’s exciting for me is when we can educate people like your beautiful audience. It’s simple things to learn that can create more and more connection first with yourself and then obviously with a partner.
Aaron Michael: I’d also like to add to that too that on the most basic level you could say that it’s the amount of time that a person until they reach orgasm. Males typically five to seven minutes and then depending on again what studies you read post being warmed up etc the best statistic you’ll get in terms of lesser times for females around 14.37 minutes something around that so that’s an obvious one but I feel that it goes a lot deeper though just in terms of understanding one’s anatomy. Just the word penetration itself is a one-directional word and we just simply haven’t learned much around mutual pleasure and most of the advice out there is all kind of tips and techniques. There’s no real system to understanding how the bodies complement one another because what we have found as well is that when it comes to acts of penetration versus just general sex, it actually it’s not an orientation, a sexual orientation issue. It’s not a heteronormative issue. It’s strictly a penetrative issue. So, our clients come from all walks of life and so even though the orgasm gap is the largest with heterosexual couples, there’s still many many couples who are facing difficulty and challenge around they want to have mutual orgasms. They want to have that experience together. It’s something that’s stressful and doesn’t work for a lot of people.
Busting Myths: Lasting Longer Is a Choice
Dr. Diane: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. And I want to talk about your method and kind of solutions. And I know obviously teaching all of it is like way more than we have time for in any given podcast, but at least like to explain your method as well as maybe an intro action step. Before we get into that, I noticed on your website that one of the myths that you like busting is that lasting longer isn’t a choice. That the myth is like, oh, um, there’s not a choice with lasting longer. It’s just how it is, right? So then the bust of that probably would be lasting longer is a choice. We do have a choice to last longer. So can you talk to us about that because I think that’s going to probably be shocking for a lot of people around like, well, I don’t have a lot of choice. Like this is just how it is. And you know, we just wind up accepting this. And then with media and everything else that portrays that as normal which just kind of further propagates that as like oh yeah what’s the problem? So you know before we get into solutions can we talk about that myth and what you’ve seen with why that is not true.
Aaron Michael: Well in terms of understanding I mean this is one of the foundations that we will speak about is understanding the anatomy as a system of pleasure as opposed to just a system of reproduction. And this is typically where the medical society comes in. It’s a little bit of education on how pleasure maybe ties into reproduction. You’d see some of this getting advanced with Masters and Johnson’s, but it hasn’t really advanced too much since then, our understanding. And so what you’ll end up finding is that for men in particular, it is or anyone with a male body, it’s a conditioning issue for the most part. You know, it’s in front of pornography or by themselves and it’s done to reach orgasm very quickly. And so what you train for is the results that you have. For female bodies, it is also interesting too to look at what we’re talking about as female erectile dysfunction. Most female bodies have not ever had the chance to reach full engorgement. And that doesn’t happen by just pure external clitoral stimulation.
The Power of a Simple Daily Practice
Dr. Saida: I wanted to add therefore the lasting I wanted to add to that is it’s really quite phenomenal what we’ve seen in say the men’s program the YAPA program is a 21-day thing and most guys even by day three are having spectacular shifts and that’s only six minutes of practice. So why we’re so excited to lean in and invite people into possibility. It’s just let’s break free from what we think is this is the ceiling and then lean into possibility and then be willing to have a little adventure. And for the guys the adventure is going to be first with your own hands. But how you use those hands, how you use your body, the movement, your breath, your attitude can completely transform your sex life sometimes overnight. And definitely by day 14, we’ve had men report they’re having almost psychedelic pleasure with themselves and it definitely translates with a partner.
Dr. Diane: Say more about this method if you would and I want to highlight you know that you’re saying okay six minutes right because I think so often and I don’t know if you hear this in your work I imagine you probably do I certainly do in mine around like well I don’t have time I don’t have time to put into this and my biggest response is well do you want your relationship to be great do you want to experience all the benefits and the health benefits the spiritual benefits everything else that pleasure can do and it’s like if we say we want to go to the gym if we say we want to show up for our kids sports games. You know, we put that into our day. We actually say, “Hey, this is important enough to schedule some time and to actually prioritize it over other things.” And all that being said, you know, I think highlighting what you said around like, “Wow, you can achieve some level of progress in six minutes is also a really noteworthy thing for people to hear.” So tell us a little bit about like more the methodology if you would and why something like six minutes a day can be so transformative.
Aaron Michael: Well, first of all, it’s an entire system. And once you understand things as a system, you can have systemic change. Now, the way that this happens specifically for the AF app program is they’re using masturbation to simply become the training ground for having epic sex. And you get seven different tools to connect to your body. And you literally practice for one minute the first day and then you add a minute each day. By day three, six minutes. And the first pieces of that is learning to feel with the entire body to sensualize. The second part is the relationship between the heart and genitals which gradually brings men into their emotions and the ability to start to feel from here as well as in their genitals. And then the third part is learning to actually voice their pleasure. A lot of us guys, we bottle things up and when that ends up happening and especially have all of the sensation localized to the penis, any work all of the above are good. That’s then where there is a lot of times either premature ejaculation but frankly also loss of erection during it or even delayed ejaculation. So a lot of what we’re looking is to use the sensuality of everyone has a sensuality because we make sense of reality through our senses. So enhancing our sensuality very specifically as a practice. So creating more sensation actually not less in order to experience more choice, more control, more pleasure and more delight and actually more vitality. And what’s incredible is when people start to charge themselves up this way, it not only impacts the bedroom, it impacts their life in general because they just have more magnetism, more charisma, more energy, more spark. And that is something magnificent. So we’re teaching to last longer by feeling more as opposed to feeling less, which I think is a really important shift in terms of how most people think about this. And it isn’t just edging, which is delaying the time to ejaculation. You’re actually boosting your pleasure capacity.
Breaking the Cycle of Performance Anxiety and Getting Out of Your Head
Dr. Diane: Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me at all. And even, you know, it’s even interesting in research around motivation, we see that people are motivated towards pleasure or away from pain. And when researchers have studied this, the majority of people are actually more motivated by running away from pain than running toward pleasure. Right. So that totally matches with what you’re saying. And I want to ask you a little bit about your thoughts on kind of the vicious mind cycle that people will get into where there’s any sort of like performance anxiety because I think performance anxiety is one of the things that can pop people out of their body and out of the somatic experience because you know they’re worried about maybe they didn’t have an erection long enough the last time or they got a little bit flaccid at some point in the middle of sex. So, for a woman, it might be things around vaginal dryness or maybe she’s worried about her belly rolls in a certain position or whatever it is that’s like popping her out of her body. So, it’s very difficult to be present.
Dr. Saida: Oh gosh, we have many ways to do that, but because you just did that little ad, I kind of want to bridge. So, one of the foundation pieces that we use is something called inhale push. And it’s a mechanical way to, you know, it’s the body mechanics, a way to breathe that flushes the genitals with so much blood flow. And when you can do that, no matter if you’re getting a little stressed or you’ve left your body for a moment, when you start doing that, almost automatically the body gets more responsive, which is a nice feeling because you’re like, “Oh, there I am.” And then there’s more sensation. You’re like, “Oh, there’s more sensation.” And when your partner’s doing it as well now, instead of creating trying to vigorously like deal with connecting, which we call friction sex, we start building suction with the genitals. And then of course Aaron’s going to talk a lot more about that, but I just wanted to mention that’s a really nice bridge from where you took us is the ability to fill the genitals with blood through using breath in a very specific way of mechanically moving your body. Essentially, you’re using your body movement, your breath, your voice, and your pelvic floor muscles like a gearbox for pleasure, allowing you to shift up as well as down. And that way then you can calibrate your pleasure with your partner and then this enters into a synchronicity that has magnificent effects.
Aaron Michael: This is how we work with this. There’s one of two ways. Firstly, on the physical side, where most of the times people go into their heads is because you have someone that’s trying desperately to surrender, which essentially means be passive. And that’s anyone on the receiving side of penetration. And secondly, then you have or firstly depending how you look at it, you have someone that’s trying to be dominant and then take control, maybe mind reading the other person at best or just doing their thing. And so then you have two people that go off into their own worlds. If you start to be and these are very important this is one of the foundations of suction sex is a different understanding of the roles we have as opposed to just one person taking charge one person surrendering there’s this in between state of an active receiver and an adaptive giver. So this means then if you are on the receiving side of penetration you won’t be in your head because you are actually then okay I need to activate my pelvic floor in a specific way. I need to move my body. I need to sync my breath with my partner. And in the same way breath becomes the music that is the rhythm that holds the body together. The same way you would have on the dance floor and on the side of the person who’s the quote unquote giver. They are becoming an adaptive giver. They are learning their partner’s bodies yes and no, which is a whole other piece around embodied consent. This is one of our trademarks. And then also how to feel your way through. So that way then it’s not just consent with words, but you’re reading the other person’s body responding and eventually these roles disappear as you become one and thoughts go out the window.
The Second part is directing the mind through different types of mental arousals and understanding that penises go through natural cycles of engorgement and relaxation. Learning to play with a softer penis, give permission for pauses, and reframe everything as intelligence in the moment rather than failure. This breaks the routine and creates fresh, particular encounters every single time.
Dr. Diane: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. And we’re going to dissect all of that and more in part two. So everybody, I hope you will join me for part two. We’re going to get Dr. Saida and Aaron back. Yes, come on over. Come on in. You’ll find below this video how to find it. And what we’re going to do in part two is we’re going to go into this even deeper. We’re going to talk more about this suction sex method. We’re going to talk about embodied consent, about these six types of mental arousals. We’re going to talk about how to play with a softer penis because I think that’s a super important thing that shuts down so many things for so many couples. And so many couples find that like, okay, well, this happens, it’s over. Well, what if it’s not, right? What if that just is another spark to another direction like you’re talking about around like it’s new every experience is new. So we take something like that that happens and we have techniques to build upon that right to bring us deeper together instead of to shut us down. So all of that is coming and more.
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