Mental Blocks to Orgasm: Why Your Mind May Be Holding You Back

Why Can’t I Orgasm Even When I’m Turned On

Dr. Diane: Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I’m your host, Dr. Diane, and I am so excited to bring on Sharon Marie today because we are talking about taboo and we’re going to weave in conversations around shame. We’re also going to weave in conversations that I think are so important around people that need taboo to orgasm. And while there’s not a problem with that, we really want to expand and help you expand beyond this. Right? There’s so many different ways we can experience pleasure. And I wanted to talk to Sharon Marie today because she is an expert in these areas. So, thank you so much for spending time with me, Sharon Marie. It’s such a joy to have you on the lounge.

Sharon Marie Scott: Thanks, Dr. Diane. Yeah, it’s such an honor to be here and to get to talk about these things that once were never spoken about aloud. So, yeah, I’m all for it.

Dr. Diane: Yeah, we’re breaking the taboo in every way in these conversations. So, I want to hear first about your story. I think stories are so relatable for so many people. And you, we talked a little bit offline about your own journey with taboo and about how you use taboo mainly as a way to orgasm and then you were able to expand beyond that. And I think if anybody is listening to this, I want to hear the story. If anybody’s listening and they’re like, well, I don’t know if I have a taboo. One, we can talk about taboos as well because a lot of people I think have taboos or fetishes and don’t even realize that they are. And two, I think the other thing I would encourage our listeners to do here is even if you’re like, well, this maybe doesn’t apply to me because maybe I don’t have a taboo or a fetish, still listen to this because I think it’s important in understanding how to grow your orgasmic potential and how to grow the different ways that you can experience pleasure in orgasm. So, I just encourage our listeners to listen from that frame and please go ahead. I would love to hear your story.

Sharon Marie Scott: Yeah, with regards to fantasy. So, you know, fantasy was a requirement for me once I became a sexually available adult in order to orgasm. And the reason that happened is because I experienced some traumatic events in my childhood of sexual abuse and incest. And it wasn’t that the experiences themselves that my five and six-year-old body experienced, they weren’t violent and they weren’t traumatic in the traditional sense that you might think it, but they were… I was trained and modeled and conditioned to see my pleasure and my body’s arousal as something that was dangerous because if I talked about it then, you know, then everyone would get in trouble. And so it imprinted on me that I would either be punished if anybody found out that I had been in my pleasure or that I would be abandoned. And so it was a very real risk to this young five and six-year-old. And so as I became older and a sexually available adult and my adult version of my sexuality came online, as my body would get aroused, it would shut down. And so for me to even sustain my own arousal and enjoyment, I often had to use fantasy. And my fantasies just because of the nature of the inappropriate touch that I had, were taboo fantasies and often ones of imbalance of power dynamics and stuff like that. So once I sort of realized that not everybody does this and this might be something that I have an opportunity to change if I wanted to. It actually didn’t take very long. It’s a surprisingly simple technique for disconnecting fantasy to climax. And the way I did it was to self-pleasure like I normally would with the fantasy. And then for the first time it was literally just as I was orgasming I would cease the fantasy and focus directly into my body and its sensations especially from the inside out. And then incrementally every time I went to self-pleasure again I expanded or increased the time in which I cut the fantasy off. So each time I cut the fantasy off earlier and earlier, but more importantly focused on the physical sensation and over time I was able to completely unlink the fantasy altogether from the climax and be completely in my body and its pleasure without having to justify it or having to use these taboo images in order to keep the arousal.

Dr. Diane: Thank you so much for sharing that. And something you said a couple times in this discussion I really want to come back to which is in your body. So in your experience like when is that something that if people are not even aware that they’re doing this every time like as far as fantasizing and using that as a reason. I do think people are aware a lot of times but sometimes like we don’t even realize how often it’s happening. Is this a signal that people should watch out for of like not being able to enjoy pleasure in their body and feel the sensations? Because it sounds to me like that for you is like okay you’re more while you’re orgasming the sensations you were more like in your head than actually feeling the pleasure in your body. Is that correct?

Sharon Marie Scott: Yeah, I would say that is correct because part of the taboo of my history is the very first night I was ever in submission to a dominant and I remember he was outlining how the scene would play out and he told me that if I thought I was going to climax that I needed to ask for his permission and I remember thinking whatever dude right because like I only had one orgasm at that time. It was really hard to reach and once I had it I was done. But in the context of just this play that we did and actually there was no genital touch during the play or the evening that we were in service to each other and I remember chickening out like I wanted to ask him once if I could orgasm and I didn’t. I chickened out and then by the end I got brave and I asked and he told me no. But what I realized about that was there was no genital touch. And so I finally realized that the thing that was holding me back from orgasm was not my body, but it was my mind. And so those were the big revelations that I could put together to say, “Oh, maybe there’s something to examine here.” You know, when I go into fantasy, I’m dissociating from my body and maybe there’s a journey back into the body and maybe my climax can come from just pure pleasure. And I didn’t really even know what that truly meant at the time.

Dr. Diane: Yeah. And I think this is so common. I talk a lot in my work around big S and little S shame. I think that we talk a lot in psychology around big T and little T trauma, but I see the same thing in shame. It can be these very small things that make us dissociate from our body. And I think this is where it’s like, okay, well, whether we’re talking fantasy or anything, it’s any of these dissociative types of things. Do you see that this kind of technique—have you worked with people in using this technique around like, okay, let’s stop the fantasy just before, just as you’re climaxing and then back it up and back it up and back it up like you’re describing, which I love. Have you used this at all with people in ways where maybe they are checking out and it’s not necessarily due to being hooked on a fantasy, they just can’t stay present with sex.

Sharon Marie Scott: Yeah. In fact, now and I’ll actually speak to lovers as well. So I’ll watch their breath and when you get into the kink community and you get into playing and topping, if you’re really interested in it as an art like I am, you pay attention to what’s happening with people’s breath and what’s happening with their eyes and their body language. And it’s my experience that when people start to hold their breath while they’re in some sort of form of pleasure that it’s actually kind of a trauma response because I had another healer that told me that we hold our breath when we’re afraid of what the next moment will bring. And those two things actually make sense in the context of sexual arousal too. That we’re holding our breath because it feels good or we’re bracing against what might be coming next and because of being a woman so many of us have this background in trauma when it comes to bedroom play there’s no surprise in that association being made. So more I would say more so I watched the breath and when people are forgetting to breathe that’s a wonderful first reach for trying to get further, get deeper into the body and get more in touch with your own pleasure, your own physical pleasure.

Dr. Diane: Okay. So then when somebody is trying these things and let’s say they’re trying initially all this stuff with themselves and really working with their own bodies in the way you’ve described, is there a transition to then how this comes in with a partner? Because I think for some people being with another person can also be a different experience and that could bring up the memory of the events and all of that. So, even if we have mastered this in our solo play, is there a different kind of step in how you bring this to partner play?

Sharon Marie Scott: I would say that bringing it to partner play is actually even gentler I think in the process of unwinding that than without it. And of course the depth of that and the efficacy of that depends on the partner that you’re playing with. How attuned are they to what’s happening in your body? Are they able to watch your breath? There are some signs that we can give people just that are sort of common like the holding of the breath, the tensing of the body. But we really have to take accountability for that. We really have to be the ones to start noticing where is my attention and energy being drawn? Is it within? Am I tuned into the presence of the person that I’m playing with? I tend to approach these things from what I call the bottom of the Jenga tower. So rather than going to the top of the Jenga tower and kind of kicking off the top blocks of coping mechanisms that have been developed, I go right to the bottom and say, “Okay, breath, presence, attunement. How present are you with the person that’s in front of you?” And then how much are you able to communicate clearly to them where you are in the process of your own arousal. So I would go right to the tackling of it myself and slow everything down and maybe even like something my husband and I did for many years was we had no penis and vagina nights on Wednesdays. Because I was having actually trauma responses from the childhood. And so it got so bad that it was even when he went to just approach and kiss me, my body was starting to tense because it was worried that it was going to be asked to do something more that it didn’t want to do. And so we talked about it and we created these non-penis and vagina nights on Wednesdays. And it actually didn’t even take that many of these nights to actually throw it away because my body became so safe so quickly. My nervous system realized it was safe and it unwound really quickly that pattern that had begun. And playing right up to that edge was so sexy and it was so arousing. And I use that as a regular part of my play now — let’s pick an edge for tonight and let’s just ride right up to that edge for as long as we can. I love that sort of little bit of hold of having to hold back and letting almost the charge itself become almost the climax. That’s how I’m playing now.

Dr. Diane: I love that so much. So, I’m curious too in thinking about because I know you work a lot with kink and BDSM and this type of world and you do it in a very transformative way. Sometimes it’s very common that some of these fantasies and some of these things that happen whether we’re talking about things like dominance and submission that are harmful are then able to be explored in this community in a way that not only can be healing but can actually be safe, consensual, full of pleasure and very erotic. So my question for you in being in that world and having this sort of history, how did you transform from saying, “Hey, some of these things being stuck in that fantasy to hey, I’m going to more play and be in this erotic, more kink world in a way that was safe to your nervous system.” How did you make that jump?

[Note: Sponsor segment with Mystery Vibe and penis pump discussion has been removed for clean flow on the podcast page.]

Sharon Marie Scott: First, I’ll say that it’s my experience now, all these years later, ten or fifteen years later, that not every fantasy I had is one that I want to play out even now. Some of them are just for the arousal ignition for me. At the time, it seemed safe enough to be starting to engage as a submissive. It was a little bit into the journey itself that I discovered my masochist. And so you really have to start to discern where what is safe to play, what is not safe to play. But what I did find was that it’s not so much the thing like the D/s or masochism or sadism itself. I think we get sort of prescriptive about declaring that those things are things that should be looked down upon or that we should feel ashamed about. But that’s really the key piece. It’s when we’re trained to feel shame over our desires regardless of what they look like, that’s where the damage is and that’s what we’re fighting the whole time that we’re on our healing journeys. And so to finally walk into a community where you’re going to find somebody else’s kink next to yours that’s way more extreme than yours is. And that’s the beauty of the community because it suddenly softens the impact and it softens the internal shame that you tend to carry around about your particular desires. And I’ll say really quickly too like fetishes and desires can be developed so innocently. A simple example would be a two or three-year-old who’s touching themselves because that’s so natural for them to do and they happen to be touching themselves in their arousal and hyperfocused on it when their aunt walks by in a pair of red high heels and suddenly they have a shoe and foot fetish for the rest of their lives. So people want to really pathologize these fetishes and these desires and that’s the cultural narrative that I’m trying to challenge but there is nothing to feel ashamed about in what your fantasies are. And again, some of those fantasies aren’t even ones you end up wanting to play out. And you have to be willing to make mistakes. You have to be willing to meet or cross your own boundary and not blame the people you’re with. And really, I only encourage conscious and intentional play.

Dr. Diane: That’s so helpful. And I want to talk a little bit about using this for desire mismatch because this comes up a lot in this community. But I also want our listeners to know that one of the things that comes up so frequently when we’re talking about exploration and play is for men it’s so common to have erectile dysfunction for example and not to be even able to get there. I know we talked offline and you said you have experience with the penis pump too. And then to go back to our conversation though on desire, I want to talk about desire mismatch because this happens so often I think in long-term relationships and I find that it oscillates. At one point one partner might have a lower desire and then another part years later maybe it switches. It can happen with women or men. It goes either way. And so how have you found in your work that this type of conversation around taboos, fantasy, these types of things have helped with bridging any desire mismatch that comes up.

Sharon Marie Scott: Oh my gosh. Yeah. I can think of one couple in particular that I know who had been married probably thirty-some years by now. I met them about ten years ago. They had gone through children early. They were in addiction early in their lives. And once they kind of got sober and became the parents they always wanted to become, they also realized they had walked away from everything including their sex lives. And so because anything that brought them pleasure at all needed to be put behind them. Then she started to discover and look up daddy baby girl play and found it really arousing and got caught one day watching this kind of play and she was so nervous about what his feelings might be around that. But once he saw it, it reignited their romance. They have a beautiful romance story that happened after they discovered this particular kind of kink and she also has other extreme kinks like humiliation kink and she’s a big masochist as well. So they really went from zero to one hundred with regards to that and they became leaders in the community and teaching incredible classes and yeah they’re such a shining example of kink and BDSM completely resurrecting a dead relationship.

Dr. Diane: I think there’s so much to be said just about showing up authentically in our erotic body. And I think when people finally are able to do that and however it looks and feel accepted, feel loved, feel not shamed, feel like their partner is curious and even if their partner is not into whatever that fantasy is, I think just being able to have a partner hold them in the curiosity of that and not shame them for it can be so incredibly healing but like you said charging for the relationship.

Sharon Marie Scott: Rope is another wonderful gateway into erotic play that feels very attuned. You’re very connected to one another and kind of bridges the desire gap because of that arousal and sensual and energetic play that takes place. And I think just the sharing of the fantasies sometimes that can be enough. Imagine just getting to talk about some sexy fantasy and then letting it sit in the air and having your partner say, “Wow, I loved hearing that. Tell me more.” That could bridge the gap too. I do think that again, we have to take responsibility for our own arousal. If I have a date with my husband a couple nights a week, I’m not just waiting for him to arouse me in order for me to get into that state. I feel like it’s my privilege to make it my job to arouse myself all day so that by the time he finally gets home and our date starts, I am chomping at the bit to engage with him. I couldn’t agree more. We have when we have our date nights I am very cautious around giving myself at least an hour to really focus on being in my body and being in my erotic self. And yes, the whole day as far as getting in tune and there’s a lot of things we can do throughout the day to kind of stoke up our pleasure but what I have found is I need that hour where I am throwing out the trash from the head of the day and really doing practices to get in my body and turn myself on and it makes all the world of a difference because when he shows up then I am also charged up and ready to go.

Dr. Diane: I dance a lot and I’ve done a lot with sensual dancing and erotic dancing and pole dancing and those kind of classes. So I do dance in my own house and I have my erotic playlists I put on for the purposes and all of that. Which is so yummy. But I actually found when I was trying to get more in my erotic body initially when I was checking out through my own history that dance was a huge thing that really helped me feel into my erotic self in many ways for the first time.

Sharon Marie Scott: Another one that is coming to mind and this is particular to my interests and my kind of mild fetishes which is I have kind of a mild embarrassment kink which used to be my shame. So what I realized is as I healed my shame wound, it morphed into this embarrassment kink. So if my husband were to ask me to strip down and just stand in front of him naked and then he just watches like he’s sitting down with a cut glass of scotch or something and he’s just sitting back on his chair looking at me and examining me up and down like that is a very arousing moment for me and it would cause me to blush. And then in this case of the embarrassment kink, the blush also makes my panties wet. Again, just being creative about finding ways to draw out the start of the night to the moment of penis and vagina. I feel like that’s what we’re talking about when we’re talking about how to bridge the desire gap. Making foreplay more than just those few minutes that happen between penis and vagina contact and making it a much longer expression of what we’re actually saying foreplay is I think is a huge part too.

Dr. Diane: This has been awesome. You’ve said so many good things and everybody as always remember we’re going to do part two with Sharon Marie and you can find out about how to access that in the show notes. We’re going to talk about self-devotion. We’re going to talk about how some of Sharon Marie’s practices around self-worship, self-devotion is actually huge for really getting more in that erotic body, getting more pleasure, experiencing better pleasure and orgasm with your partner, and so much more. Before we do that though, would you please tell us about your book, how we get a hold of you, how people work with you and all of that.

Sharon Marie Scott: Thanks so much. I did have a book come out last year called Forbidden Alchemy: Transmuting Taboo into Erotic Medicine. And that is about those things that we feel are deeply forbidden or the things we have the deepest shame that also hold our deepest and most powerful medicine. And then I have another book coming out called Flesh and Flame: Pleasure as a Portal to Divine Mastery. And that has more to do with me believing that pleasure is really a technology. It tells us our body was our pleasure or lack of pleasure — those are answers to the universe. You can get yeses and nos from your body. It can tell you when you’re afraid. I think it can lead you in the right direction like if you’re looking for your purpose in life. So pleasure is like the answer to everything for me. And then my website sharonmariescott.com or you can find me on Substack as well with the same name or my platform Life Turned On.

Dr. Diane: Beautiful. And we will have all of that in the show notes for everybody. And just so you guys all know that when we are filming this, by the time it comes out, Sharon Marie’s new book should be on the bookshelves by then. So at the time of watching this, you should be able to go and pick it up right now. And again, that’ll all be in the show notes for you. And thank you so much for being here with me today. It’s been an absolute pleasure. I’m looking forward to part two. And thank you everybody for listening. We’ll see you soon.

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