How to Sext Your Partner: Sexting in a Relationship, Dirty Texting Long-Term Relationship & How to Start Sexting Again

Dr. Diane: Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode on our Libido Lounge. We’re talking all things dirty today. I have an expert, an author, a very well-known person in the dating space to introduce you to that I’m so excited about. You know I talk a lot about communication, about the need to be flirting, about how we use things like texting and dirty texting to keep our relationships alive in long-term relationships. And so I wanted to bring Maureen on as the expert to tell us more about how do we begin to talk dirty? How do we communicate our sexual desires and so much more? That’s what we’re doing today. It’s going to be a fun and juicy conversation as always. Maureen, welcome to the lounge.

Maureen Pound: Thanks Dr. Diane. Great to be here.

Dr. Diane: It’s great to have you. You’ve done a lot of research and you have a very interesting take on a lot of things from your book How to Get Laid on Tinder. Tell us a little bit about where you gained your passion from this. I want to just know about your story a little bit and then we’re going to get into the juicy details.

Maureen Pound: Sure. When I was 40 and couldn’t find a man to marry me, I decided to have two sperm donor children on my own. They’re great kids. Over the course of the next seven years with my kids, I was just exhausted. I didn’t date. I had nothing to do with men. I was just focused on my children. Then at one stage I was doing a 500k bike ride in Thailand. I was doing something for me. I was around all these men and they were flirting with me and I’m like, “Oh wow, I really need to get myself out there.” So I decided to get on a dating app and the journey began.

Dr. Diane: And that’s how you started collecting a lot of your information and research? When you were on the dating app at that point?

Maureen Pound: Yeah. What I found being older was this whole demographic that missed out on the whole app scene. We used to meet at pubs or at college. I got in there, was very tentative at the beginning, then worked out how to use the apps well. Because I have a background in communication, a lot of guys who I became friends with or had conversations with were really struggling. They were really nice guys but they just were not doing it well. So I began to give them tips to help them and then they’d ask me for more advice. Someone jokingly said I should write a book. So then I went into full research mode. Over the course of a couple of years I wrote the book.

Dr. Diane: What did you learn in your book? If you were to distill down the top two most important things everybody needs to know, what would they be?

Maureen Pound: The first thing is that women want to be seen for more than their looks. We want to be seen as attractive and sexy, but we want to be seen for more. If guys lead with “you’re sexy,” the woman has had that 100 times before and it just doesn’t hit. It’s a crappy entry to get to know someone. The second thing is dating is a lot around how you view it. Sometimes it is hard work and sometimes you will get rejected, but it’s just part of the journey of life. See it in a positive light, give off positive energy, and you’ll get better outcomes. If you’re feeling like shit, that’s the worst time to get on the apps. Stay away. You can’t get that validation from somebody else. See it as a journey. Have fun with it.

Dr. Diane: I love this advice because some of the things advised in the dating period also really apply as good practice for when we’re actually in relationships. Women hear “you’re so pretty” the most, which is wonderful, but sometimes that’s one of the only things they hear about their looks. How does that impact later on in the relationship?

Maureen Pound: A lot of it is the devil’s in the detail. We all want status. We all want to feel important. You make the other person feel important by giving them some detail. Instead of just saying “you’re a good mom,” add specifics: “I love the way you can juggle having a conversation with Tom and cook dinner and coordinate stuff. You’re just so amazing.” Or “I love the way you speak to waiters. You’re always so kind.” Those in-the-moment comments fill the love jar. They build over time.

Dr. Diane: Being specific really helps people feel seen and tracked. How does that come into play when communicating sexual desires? What advice do you have for asking for what we want, what turns us on?

Maureen Pound: The mistake that especially some men make straight away is they go too fast. Start with a little bit of innuendo first — “happy hump day” — and test the water. If you get a positive response, then go further. Don’t presume that because it happened before, you can just jump right in again, especially if she’s busy at work or with kids. Test the waters. Start small so you can recover and pull back if needed.

Dr. Diane: What about in actual long-term relationships? For couples who have never done dirty texting or haven’t in decades? How do you start sexting again?

Maureen Pound: You’ve got different dynamics. Make them feel good and comfortable, even if it’s your wife of 30 years. Research shows it’s a very good thing to do, especially when you’re apart. Recall something you both enjoyed: “Last week when we… I loved doing that with you.” Compliment them and see if they reciprocate. You don’t have to be good at it. You can just follow their lead. Be willing to give it a go.

Dr. Diane: Specificity matters here too. What about the receiver? Sometimes in long-term relationships it feels riskier to put yourself out there. If someone receives a dirty text for the first time and doesn’t know what to do or doesn’t respond, it can create subtle hurt. What advice do you have for the receiver?

Maureen Pound: If there are unresolved issues in the relationship, it’s very hard to be successful. Have an open conversation first about how you’re feeling. Talk about it in advance: “I’m really interested in bringing some mojo back and experimenting with dirty texting. How would you feel about that?” For the person who doesn’t respond because it’s new and they’re in their head — love the text. Give them something back. Even say “you’re really good at this” and then they might give more. Just have a go. What have you got to lose?

Dr. Diane: Conscious check-ins later can help too — “That felt a little awkward, how was that for you?” Sometimes when life is busy, I might heart it and add it to my to-do list to circle back later when I can fully drop into the energy and respond properly.

Maureen Pound: That’s a great strategy. It’s like actual sex — women often need time to warm up. The same can apply to texting. Don’t jump straight in. Let the conversation build.

Dr. Diane: Life’s too short. Explore it. Have fun.

Maureen Pound: Exactly. We overcomplicate sex and take it too seriously. It’s serious and it’s not, all at the same time.

Dr. Diane: Thank you so much for being here today. In part two we’re going to talk about what men and women both do wrong during sex. You’ll find links to Maureen’s book and information on how to access part two in the show notes.

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