Unmet Expectations in Relationships: The Real Reason You’re Resentful

No Relationship Is a 100% Match: What Happens When Your Partner Says No

Dr. Diane: Now, here in part two, we kind of left an open-ended question with James at the end of part one, which was he was teaching us how to talk to your partner and say, “Hey, I need to talk to you about some of my wants.” And we kind of ask permission as the way I would sum it up again. I’m kind of paraphrasing, so go back and listen to that last episode. But when we’re asking our partner for what we want, we oftentimes do it in a way where there’s the ability of our partner to say like, “Yeah, I will engage in this conversation or not.” So, the open-ended question that we ended the last podcast with, which I am now going to ask James, is this. If we are talking to our partner about what we want and we’re starting to say like, “Hey, I want to share. I’ve been journaling some things. I want to share with you around this. Is this okay? Can I share this?” Now most of the time I think for most situations our partner is going to come back and say like, “Yeah I would love to hear about this.” I think that’s probably the most common answer. But what happens if our partner comes back and says something like, “No I don’t actually want to hear that.” What does that mean? Does that mean anything about the relationship? How do we navigate that if there’s this fundamental desire to share and our partner is resistant to hearing that share?

James: Yes. I would love to go two ways with this. I’m sure there are more, but these are the two that I usually like to lean into most heavily. Number one, if your partner comes across with a no, great. That’s why we have tribe. This is so important. Your partner is your partner in many many things, not necessarily all things. And we have to know this in the marrow of our being. They can be your ride or die in 86% of all the things. That leaves you 14% to find in other places. Not to mention the fact there might be another 9% that you prefer doing among your tribe where you’re dropping your partner down to 75. And that is okay. Your partner is not a 100% match. You’re not going to find it if you look for it at 100%. You’re going to be disappointed, which leads to resentment, which leads to an unhealthy relationship. Please drop that thinking right now if at all possible. You will match with this person. They are your person. You continue to prioritize their feelings and their emotions, and that is amazing. And when they put up a boundary, you respect it and you find another way to share this very important part of your life with someone who is equally important. Just not that person who is your partner.

One, two, you have opened the door. You’ve offered it to them first. They’ve politely yet clearly said no thank you. You take it to tribe. Now your partner continues to think about this and that no becomes softer and they understand that this is something that you want to share with someone that they find very important. This is an important part of your life that you have to share with someone. And you’re doing that with another important part of your life and tribe. And as they ponder on that, they become more open, more malleable to the idea that you can share this with them as partner. And maybe they will eventually open that permission for you to share with them if you still want to do so. Which can be very important, can be a really interesting crossroads for you to meet, can be a little bit of a precarious situation because now they have put this trust in another member of the tribe and now here comes the partner that wants to know as well. Is this shared in both places? It’s important not to get too territorial. It’s important to understand that you first said no and now you’re starting to soften to the yes and you’re getting it now as well. Unless that person says no, there’s just always a give and a take. How can I feel about this? Am I entitled to be upset now that he put it somewhere else that he doesn’t necessarily want to share it here first? There are so many fun things at play and it’s so important just to keep an openness. Great. I understand that I said no in the beginning. I have changed my mind since. I would love to know more about this if you’re in a position to share and being genuinely okay with whatever their answer is from there on. I think those are at least two avenues where this could go.

Assumptions vs Communication in Relationships: Clearing the 75% and the 25%

Dr. Diane: It’s really those are really great answers and it actually takes me back to some of what we were talking in part one where we were talking around identifying what you don’t like and what you don’t want as a step as part of the multi-step process for then figuring out what you do want. And so I’m wondering too like is it ever beneficial for couples to sit down and say like, oh well these are the things, and identify what you want and don’t want and partner B does the same and then do you ever find it advisable for them to kind of get their list together and have a conversation around, okay well these are the 75-ish percentage of the things that I can fill and I can help you with and these are the other things like I don’t have much interest in. Like is it good to ever take that kind of approach where then there’s almost this really clear awareness where somebody can say okay well these are the 25 wants I have that my partner actually can’t satisfy but now I’m clear about this so I now know 75% hey we’re going to take these over here these other 25% we’re going to divert. Have you worked in that way with people is that recommended at all?

James: Absolutely it is. I don’t like showing up to anything with no preparation. I want you to come with honest to goodness and I want you to take time. I don’t want you to throw down little trifles. That is not at all what I’m trying. These are like things that are weighing on your soul and your heart. Things that are really pushing your needle in one way or another just so that you can bring it to the attention. And the thing that I find most which I find fascinating and delicious is that whenever you see partners that come into a forum with openness and a desire to understand that whenever the other partner actually takes those into consideration and genuinely starts to work at the things where they can change there is so much grace on both sides of the coin because they are trying. They always wanted this information. They just did not know how to ask, how to get it from the partner. And now that we’ve entered into something with a genuine curiosity in hopes to build something stronger, it’s beautiful to watch the way people respond to this, especially if they both come in with balance as a goal. Sometimes you’ll see one partner that tries far harder than the other. That’s a different conversation. However, watching someone make that effort is almost always the thing that sets off the whatever the 25% is they just can’t do. That partner never thinks about it again. They aired the grievance. They got the attention they needed. And the 75% that were really far more important are in progress. How wonderful. People want to know that they’re worth not working for, but at least being attentive for. It’s beautiful to watch. It’s cool.

Why We Resent Our Partners: The Bait-and-Switch Feeling and the Power of Grace

Dr. Diane: And like what’s coming up for me in thinking about just how people talk about frustrations, right? So sometimes I hear people use the term bait and switch, right? I think a lot of people know what that terminology means. And so it can be frustrating for people sometimes when I think in the beginning parts of a relationship it’s like oh you know we’re kind of trying on and figuring out what we want and what we need and if we haven’t defined this it’s an experiment oftentimes. Be like okay well can I show up to this person that way and maybe we try it for a little while and then all of a sudden it’s like no this isn’t me and it can feel to this other person like almost like an abandonment like you led me on to be like you were going to show up for me this way and all of a sudden you’re not and it can feel really hurtful. And so much of what I’m hearing and what you’re saying is that we need to reorient around well one like we talked in episode one that people do change and we can change our mind and it can be very true one moment and all of a sudden we learn something about ourselves and it’s not true anymore. So it doesn’t have to even though it can feel like a bait and switch it doesn’t have to come from that root feeling from the baiter. Right.

James: Correct. And then also I think there’s an element here where there’s just so much grace and forgiveness we can start to have and we can say okay well maybe this way this person presented at one time was important to me. But if we can just then add that to the 25% or whatever that percentage is for that individual of what they can’t serve and reorient our focus to all these other ways that they can we can show up and be relational together. I just can feel the immense amount of forgiveness that can start to happen when we start to unpack and unwind this and we stop blaming this person for what they can’t do and instead celebrating what they can.

Dr. Diane: I just want to take a quick break to say one of the number one things that leads to a lack or just a slowing of passion in the relationship is thinking that our partner’s body and mind and spirit is going to be the same today as tomorrow. So, one of the things that happens for so many bodies, especially for female bodies, is that with time, the pleasure needs change. And we get into those sexual scripts and those habits of doing the same thing over and over and over again, not always realizing that our pleasure body is wanting something else. This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a lack of orgasm, and is one of the reasons why bedrooms can start to get quieter. I talk about how to fix this and so much more, walking you through a step-by-step guide for an entire year if you want on how to improve your pleasure life. Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay for the year, make it yours. You’ll see all of this and more and how to get started in the show notes below this video. I hope you will join me in my hot monogamy society. Now, let’s get back to our episode.

James: Agree. Because so much of this animosity, I don’t love stickers. I don’t like saying bad. I don’t like saying good, but so much of the animosity comes from assumption instead of communication. This is what it was. This is what we decided however long ago when we had our little meeting. We have tried it for a while and I now realize that the way they’re showing up for me isn’t something that I need and it’s clear or at least I observe that this feels like it is taking a toll on them. Let’s talk about that. Maybe take that off your plate because it’s out of balance. It’s out of whack. And people who continue to look for balance. I think that so much of the anger, frustration, and resentment in a relationship come from people feeling like they’re doing a lion’s share all the time. It’s going to wax and wane. Some people are going to carry more of the burden during some points and it’s going to swap back and forth. When someone feels as though they are carrying a disproportionate amount of the effort in a relationship, that’s usually when things start to get a little heavy. We have communication. We talk about what it is. How can we get this so that it feels like we have more of a shared experience in this dynamic in this relationship so that we can move forward. I know this isn’t fun. This is the nuts and bolts. This is the part where I find out where I can serve you more effectively and you can serve me more effectively in my needs. And that way we keep it on an even footing. It’s so important because assumptions are what lead to resentment and eventually it can lead to an explosion. And personally, I hate being hollered at. I hate being accused. I hate finding my place in anywhere where someone is carrying something so long that they can no longer bear the load of it where if they had just mentioned it earlier when it became an annoyance instead of now it’s a kilo of dynamite ready to detonate. No, thank you. Please tell me when the fuse is just getting stuck into the powder so that I can pull it out and we can look at something so that we can both feel perfectly or at least more well aligned and more balanced in this dynamic.

Dr. Diane: Yeah. Yeah. I was driving. We was road tripping with my partner and my three stepkids yesterday and there was a point where he was driving and he realized that he was he just stopped paying attention and he was down to like the last 15 miles of gas and the next gas station was about 13 miles away. So, I made a not helpful comment. Not mean, but also just like not helpful. You know, and he did such a good job. He just like took a he just gave me a look and he just took a deep breath and he just kept on driving and that was all that was like I made a comment, he took a breath. That was it, right? And so I ended up bringing it up last night and I basically I was like, you know, I apologized and he said he didn’t I didn’t do anything wrong. And so what I had said to him was like, I may not have done anything wrong, but I also did not express something in a way that was helpful or kind. And I’m sorry for that. And so, you know, and so that I bring that up as an example because that’s what I’ve seen in my own relationship of like these little things, right, that like it’s so easy to just like, well, we didn’t really fight. Like it wasn’t a helpful thing. I kind of made a mistake. I kind of I did make a mistake there, but it could have easily just been pushed under the rug like no big deal. But having it was a I don’t know, it was a 30 45 minute conversation last night at the end of the day to just air it out. Maybe it was 2 minutes. It was like nothing. No big deal. And it becomes it stays no big deal because there’s this tiny little thing, right? That’s that fuse. But if those kind of things build and they build and they build and they build and we don’t air them out, that’s when it becomes that dynamite. So I think so often it’s like we it’s so easy to just almost like gaslight ourselves and gaslight the other person be like, “Oh, that’s not that big of a deal.” And while that might be true, the little things that are unsaid become very big deals.

James: As a man, as the guy who loves to drive and usually facilitates that sort of thing, please understand so clearly when I tell you that is a huge wonderful thing that you did because even though it is not a big deal because the front brain of mine says that is not a big deal. The lizard brain who is protector and provider and who’s driving for hours on end does not need someone telling me this because I have lights and brains. Yep. And I knew it as soon as I said it, James. And it’s but it’s such a wonderful thing because I will never bring that up again. I will never as the guy if you had not if I were in that situation as your partner, I would not bring it up. However, the fact that you came to me after because you knew it landed not exactly where you wanted it to land. Huge. That is so enormously impactful. I don’t even have the words for it because men especially get so little of things like that. That’s almost like a compliment. Honest to goodness, I see what happened. I want to acknowledge it and not making a big deal of it, but I think it needs to be said. And then after 45 seconds to two minutes of conversation, I cannot tell you the peace and love that man is feeling in his guts for you saying that to him.

Dr. Diane: Yeah. Oh, I feel it. I feel it. I think like that’s I bring it up as an example because it’s like this is what I’ve learned in this relationship as you know compared to relationships and you know my previous husband I was divorced and so you know I look back at that relationship I’m like oh yeah here’s all these tiny little things right that we just make mistakes and it just all these little things make it’s so easy to turn them into not a big deal when they actually are they all add up and they all matter and that’s like the biggest thing I feel like I’ve learned.

James: Agree. And it’s and a lot of people, especially in my experience with people and clients I’ve spoken with, like, look, you’re not apologizing for something. This isn’t walking on eggshells. This isn’t you trying to live a timid life. This is you actually living enormously to understand that whenever I make something happen and it clearly impacts someone in a way that I don’t love, I’m going to go back and mention it. That is a large soul response. I understand this isn’t a big deal, and I’m not trying to make a big deal about it. It landed this way with me and I wanted to bring it to your attention that I saw it. I felt it and I don’t want to make you feel like that.

Dr. Diane: Yeah. Yep. Exactly. All these ways you care for each other. Yeah. It’s care. Yeah. Yeah.

Desire Mismatch and Resentment: How to Stop Resenting Your Partner When Needs Don’t Align

Dr. Diane: So, I want to spend some of our last time today talking about how this applies to desire mismatch. So, one of the things that comes up a lot for couples that is a challenge in the conversation and communication world is in their intimate life. And it’s real common, and I know you know this, that people, especially in long-term relationships, have these mismatched desires where one person wants way more intimate time than another. And this can cause so much animosity and it can cause so much stress. And oftentimes because it’s a challenging thing for many people to talk about, it’s another thing that gets shoved under the rug around like we tried to talk about it once or twice and it didn’t go well and they got offended and I got hurt so we never brought it up again and we’ve just decided that we don’t care that much about intimacy anymore and meanwhile a wise person might have like accepted that the other person’s probably accepted it and I’m saying that in air quotes but is like secretly really brooding about it or maybe is going out and seeking out an affair because they need this need to be met and then we have this real complicated dynamic of like where does getting your own needs met versus the relationship it just gets so convoluted and complicated. So, if somebody has gotten to this point where this has come up to be something that has gotten shoved under the rug, or maybe it’s something else, maybe it’s not even desire mismatch, but it’s like, okay, well, we really need to talk about this thing, but it’s been not gone well two or three times before, but it’s essential that we have this conversation. Do you have any high-level advice? And I know this is like and I say this knowing like there are so many layers to this, but do you have any high-level advice on where we begin to start to open up this conversation again?

James: Yes. It comes from paying attention to your partner. Honestly, if we want to just go like hamfisted crazy generalizations, man wants more touch. Understood. It also comes down to woman wants more touch but not necessarily in a sexual intercourse kind of way. I want physical intimacy where you touch me in the small of my back and you put your chin on the small of my neck. You check over my shoulder to see how things are going in the kitchen while I’m reading my book while I’m on my tablet. You do these kinds of things that show an interest in me that still include this intimacy that is not necessarily leading directly to sex. It shows me that you find me attractive, intriguing. You find me interesting not just for the human animal and the satisfaction that that presents and provides, but also as the cerebral, caring, loving, nurturing human being, the other half of your soul, your twin flame, if we want to get into romantic language as well, so that you continue to show an interest in their interest, combining it with a piece of physical intimacy that says, “I am interested in you and I also still find you so desirable on so many levels. I operate where you are currently right now with no pressure and I still provide an undertone of that heat, that desire that I also want. I try to mix my red with your blue so that when time comes for purple, we’re both so ready for it because I have provided safety without pressure and you have provided promise without guarantee.”

Dr. Diane: I love that. I love that. Yeah. The promise without guarantee I think is a really hard one, but also a really important one to sit with and to just like, oh, I’m like, oh, there can be a promise and like it can be a real promise without a guarantee because really we can’t actually guarantee just about anything in life, right? And there’s really almost no guarantee. So, I think sometimes people don’t like the idea of promise because that is confused with guarantee. And so sometimes people hesitate to promise because there’s that association with that when in fact like a promise to me means like we are going to show up you know and really work you know do our best to help live up to that promise but life changes we there’s unexpected things there’s no guarantee just because we promise.

James: Agree. And circumstances change it’s like we’ve mentioned several times in both episodes of this you know what I said in this moment was 100% the gospel honest truth as far as I knew at that moment. Between then and now, who knows what has transpired. I may not have told you what’s going on in my mind or my heart. What happened to change my trajectory, my expectation of the next whatever time period. That’s why communication is so clear. This comes to a point where we can fight, we can resent, we can assume, or we can just sit down and communicate and have something that is not necessarily the most pleasant, but remove doubts and questions that were there before that had no business being there in the first place. They were something that were conjured. They were assumed instead of actually looking to see the truth of the situation and making informed decisions knowing those information points.

Dr. Diane: Absolutely. I couldn’t have said it better myself and thank you, James. This has just been absolutely wonderful to spend two episodes with you. I want to make sure that we let people know about your free giveaway as well. So, everybody hold on a second before you go anywhere because James has a free gift for you. So, James, if you would tell us about that.

James: Of course. Thank you, Dr. Diane. I have a freebie. It’s called Sustainable Audacity. It’s 20 minutes of digging deeper into what it is you want from your life, from your career, from your partnerships, from whatever it is. So many of us are operating on a system that is an old idea of a dream because we’ve had it for so long and we still haven’t necessarily reached fruition. So what we do is we take a much closer look at what we want and love right now out of life, making a much more specific dedication to that desire. And then we build a structure in place with small consistent steps to make sure you align your actions and your thoughts with that to achieve that new dream and become a more fully realized person that you want to be.

Dr. Diane: Beautiful. And then that will lead, as we learned in the last episode, that will lead into the option to working with James and his coaching programs. Anything else to say share about that?

James: Just the fact that we always have a really good time. It is very aggressively positive. That’s the thing. I want to make sure that anybody who’s looking for someone who’s going to be rough on you, someone who’s going to put the thumb screws to you, that is not at all what we’re doing with Radical Joy and Sustainable Audacity. It’s about using your joy to find what it is that sets your soul on fire and making a sustainable way of keeping it going to make you a happier person to influence the lives of those around you in a more positive way and to continue making something better out of your life.

Dr. Diane: Well, wonderful. Thank you so much, James, and everybody. We have tons more stuff like this coming down the pipeline. August is going to be a month full of really looking at how we can improve your relationships in so many different ways. So, make sure you don’t miss any of that. Subscribe to the lounge, share it with your friends, and thank you again for being part of the lounge community, James. It has been an absolute pleasure.

James: Always a great time talking with you. Thank you, Dr. Diane. Thanks, everybody. Down for now.

Dr. Diane: Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!