Why Compromise Can Kill Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

The Libido Lounge: Uncompromising Intimacy and the Myth of Compromise in Relationships

Introduction to Low Desire and Satisfaction

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: If you’re a woman with low desire, then chances are you’re not having the kind of sex that you would want more of. What is it that you actually want your partner to know about you? Compromise is probably the most common relationship advice that is given anywhere. When you compromise, the way I think of the phenomenon is that you’re essentially holding back on withholding the truth of who you are—your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who you are becoming on the inside—to any degree to which that would be uncomfortable for your partner. It’s extremely helpful to be really clear why it is that you want to say it because if I can open my heart, it is so much easier for me to open my legs later.

Libidos, Relationship Dynamics, and Pleasure Focus

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: It’s like a thermostat and one person’s libido is set on high and the other person’s libido is set on low, and somehow we can’t access the thermostat. There’s nothing we can do; that’s just how it is. Sadness, anger, fear, and happiness, and disappointment is nowhere on the list. The real question is not how to change the thermostat but how to experience more pleasure.

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Introduction to Libido Lounge with Dr. Alexandra Stockwell

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hi everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I’m your host, board-certified sexologist Dr. Diane, and I have a really good relationship treat for you today. I have here with me Dr. Alexandra Stockwell, and we’re going to talk about all sorts of cool things today, but one of the things we’re going to talk about that I think you guys will find shocking is that compromise is not always good.

Uncompromising Intimacy and Relationship Compromise Issues

Dr. Diane Mueller: You know, we’re taught so many times in relationships and love to, like, meet in the middle, find the compromise, all those kinds of things. And one thing that Dr. Alexandra and I share in our philosophy is that this is actually problematic because what it leads to, at least in my opinion—and we’ll ask Dr. Alexandra in a moment hers—but in my opinion, what it leads to is both individuals getting what they don’t want, and nobody actually, in many of these cases, really gets their needs. So everybody can feel this sense of let down and so much more. So we’re going to get into all that juicy stuff and more. So thank you so much for being here with me today.

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: It is my pleasure, and I love how you’ve launched us.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Awesome. Well, let’s start with that. You know, I kind of told you in this intro, I kind of launched into, like, my personal problems and the work I do with compromise. Tell me about what you’ve seen in all your years of working in this world of intimacy. What are the problems with compromise?

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: I definitely will, but I want to just respond to what you said first and say that I think what you’ve described is disappointment. When people compromise and neither person really gets what they want, then comes disappointment. And you know, when we think of the big, impactful emotions in our lives in relationships, it’s typically sadness, anger, fear, and happiness, and disappointment is nowhere on the list. We think of disappointment as, like, a minor emotion. The fact is that it slowly but surely erodes connection in the most detrimental ways, and disappointment is really like priming our souls for resentment, which leads to disconnection. So I just really want to emphasize the point that you made; it’s serious. A little disappointment is not just a small matter when it happens on a regular basis. But shifting to my ideas about compromise, I really agree with what you said. Compromise is probably the most common relationship advice that is given anywhere. The idea being, if you want a happy marriage, you have to be good at compromise.

Misconceptions and Importance of Uncompromising Intimacy

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: That is just false because when compromise is guiding you in your interactions, you are setting yourself up, when all goes well, for a bland, pleasant companionship. And you know, that might be enough for some people, but my devotion is to smart, high-performing couples who are interested in having a long-lasting marriage that is full of emotional intimacy and erotic aliveness and joy and pleasure and self-expression and growth together. Compromise is incompatible with creating a relationship that has those qualities, and here’s why. When you compromise, the way I think of the phenomenon is that you’re essentially holding back on withholding the truth of who you are—your desires, your dreams, your challenges, who you are becoming on the inside—to any degree to which that would be uncomfortable for your partner. So rather than making your partner uncomfortable and having to navigate that, you compromise, you acquiesce, you tolerate, you essentially disconnect from important parts of yourself, at least within the marital context. And as human beings, we can’t, in our day-to-day interactions, have these kinds of compromise-guided experiences and then, when we get to the bedroom, find some magic switch to flip that allows us to be fully self-expressed, present, bringing our whole authentic selves in the way that contributes to a sense of timelessness and erotic expansion. It just doesn’t work that way. So I advocate for what I call uncompromising intimacy. The name of my book is Uncompromising Intimacy, and that really is a good description of the methodology I use, which is rooted in learning, well, really getting to know yourself and learning how to share that with your partner in a way that is not blaming, it’s not critical, it’s authentically sharing the truth of who you are so you can feel like you’re your real self in interactions with your partner and do that in such a way that invites your partner to do the same. These can be very vulnerable communications; they can be straightforward. Really, it’s about bringing all the flavors of you. It’s not that you have to tell your partner everything, but if there’s something you can’t say, then compromise is at play, and it’s creating a kind of disconnection that you might think is unimportant, and for day-to-day interactions, it might be, but in the bedroom, you can’t fool the body, you can’t fool the erotic energy. So if you’re compromising in your day-to-day, that tends to infiltrate in terms of the quality of sensual, sexual, erotic connection that’s possible.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah, it’s so well said, and I think probably a lot of people are having these aha moments right now. I think one of the things I talk a lot about on this show is what happens inside the bedroom, or wherever we are physically intimate with our partner, is actually a reflection of outside the bedroom and vice versa. What I hear you say that I think is so critical is, hey, like in all these conversations we have about sex, about intimacy, and all these things, we talk about showing up, asking for your needs, asking for your wants, asking for your desires. And if our practice throughout the entire rest of the day has been to compromise your needs, compromise your wants, compromise your desires, don’t fully share yourself, then how, if we’re practicing doing the opposite, do we actually bring that into the bedroom? Like, it just doesn’t make sense here. So I know you have a whole book on this and, you know, a ginormous process, and what I’m going to ask you is obviously not going to be able to cover completely in today’s show, but do you have a sense of, like, how can we distill this down to help people understand just a little bit of the steps to get started on this? Because I think there’s so much that we do in relationships, like, okay, well, I want to be vulnerable, but I don’t want to upset my person, or I want to be vulnerable and really be authentic and whatever it is, but I don’t want to have them be mad at me or have them be disappointed. So we disappoint ourselves sometimes to prevent our partner from being disappointed, and so it almost feels like this trade-off; we’re trading one for another. So how do we begin, in what you’ve seen and what you’ve written about, to rectify that and start to actually, you know, fully own ourselves as individuals?

Uncompromising Intimacy and Effective Communication Techniques

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: Well, the first thing is that when I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I don’t mean with the word uncompromising that you always get your own way. I’m not talking about being, like, uncompromising, inflexible, rigid. That also does not contribute to connection and relational aliveness, just as withholding in the form of compromise doesn’t. When I talk about uncompromising intimacy, I’m really talking about how to share what’s real, and then you go from there, just both of you knowing it means you’re in the realm of uncompromising, and then you can decide together what to do. But in terms of how to actually communicate, which was your question, there are a few things. One is to actually know what you want to say, and that sounds very obvious, but when it comes to desire, when it comes to what’s alive inside us, if you’re not used to expressing it, if you’re not used to putting your own attention on it, then that really is the first thing to do, completely independent of interacting with your partner. You might journal, you might daydream, you might, I don’t know, scroll Instagram and see what inspires you. I’m not really advocating that, but the point is that you need to know what it is that you want to say. And it’s totally fine if what you want to say is, “I feel dissatisfied; I’m not sure what I want.” That’s okay too; that’s actually a very vulnerable communication. So it’s not that you have to figure it all out and then make the communication, but you do need to consider a little bit of what you’re going to say because if you just take the time to think out loud, and, you know, more of, like, a brainstorming or a venting, that’s fine; you might well do that in your relationship, but that’s not going to build the kind of closeness and connection that comes with a vulnerable communication like we’re talking about in this context. So that’s the first thing: identify what it is that you actually want your partner to know about you. Then the next thing is to say to your partner, “I have something vulnerable to share with you; are you available to hear it?” In other words, you might say vulnerable, you might say important, you might say, “I have something unusual to share with you,” whatever it is that feels accurate to you. If you’ve given some thought to what you want to convey, then you’re going to know a good adjective to use, but the point is you say what you want to do and then you ask if he’s available to hear it. And this needs to be a real question; this is not just some rhetorical question where if he says anything other than “yes” right away, then you get mad. No, it has to be a real question. And if you’re in a committed relationship, then the answer is either, “Yes, I’m available,” or “No,” which is essentially a “not yet.” And so, ideally, you know, like, sometimes I’ll say to my husband, you know, “I have something I really want to tell you,” and he’ll say, “Okay, well, I’ve had a long day; I just want to take a shower and have some dinner, and then I’ll be available,” and that’s totally fine. Okay, so after you’re both opted in to having the conversation, then it’s extremely helpful to be really clear why it is that you want to say it. Because let’s say you have something that isn’t working for you in the bedroom or maybe you don’t feel supported with household tasks or whatever it is, it really doesn’t matter. If you just start in with that, the most likely scenario is that your partner is going to shut down or become defensive and angry; those are just normal human reactions. There’s no commentary on his character; that’s just normal.

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Vulnerability and Communication in Relationships

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: So if you begin by saying why it is that you’re making this communication, what you hope to achieve from it, and it should be something that’s important to both of you, so for example, it might be, “I’ve been feeling kind of distant, and I want us to be more connected; that’s why I want to tell you this.” Or, “I know you’ve been wanting to have sex, and I have been declining because I just feel kind of disconnected. I think after I share this with you, we’ll both feel closer, and I’ll be more ready to say yes again,” or whatever it might be. Like, it doesn’t have to be about sex, although if it is, then say so. But the point is you want, first of all, the opt-in, and second of all, that the conversation is going to take the two of you in a direction you both want to go. Then he will listen differently, and then you make your communication, sharing whatever your experience is. And it’s very, very important if you’re going to have a vulnerable communication that it doesn’t include blame. This is not, like, a setup to make your partner wrong, but it is a setup to really share what’s real for you so the two of you can move forward from there. And then the final thing is that, whether it’s 3 minutes later, 3 days later, or 3 weeks later, the vulnerable communication does not include problem-solving. It really just includes being present with one another, so as you share, you feel seen, heard, and received. So it’s very helpful if you can tell your guy how to win and say, you know, “After I tell you, I’d really love a hug,” or “After I tell you, I just want to sit quietly together,” or “After I tell you, I’m going to have a few questions, and you can see if you have the answer.” Like, just be clear because if you give clear instructions, he’ll be able to give you what you want, and if you don’t, chances are he’s not going to read your mind and know. So I’ll just give an example of how this goes because I’ve given the general instructions. So, I’m going to think about things. I had to go to bed early last night, and I had to get up really early this morning for a really big project at work, and I asked my husband to clean up the kitchen after dinner, and he said he would, and I got up this morning, and the dishes, the kitchen is not cleaned up. And of course, at that point, you know, I have the option of erupting, of just walking back out and doing nothing, of cleaning it up, making a lot of noise so everybody knows how this didn’t work for me. There are a lot of options there, but instead, what I choose to do—and it’s not going to be that morning because I have my big work project—but in the evening, I’m going to say to my husband, “I have something I really want to share with you; are you available to hear it now?” And he’s going to say, “Um, let’s have the conversation after the kids are in bed.” And I’m going to say, “Okay, no problem.” So then it’s time for us to get together, and I’m going to say, “I have something I want to share with you because I know that if I don’t, it’s going to fester and be this long, drawn-out, unpleasant, disconnecting thing.” And so I’m speaking up so that the two of us can feel harmonious and in our groove together. And then I’m going to say, when I woke up—and the point I really want to model here is not blaming—when I woke up in the morning and I saw the kitchen was a mess, my heart just sank because I felt like I’m not important to you, and that was really hard this morning, especially with this big project that I had going. What I didn’t model is telling him how to end, like what to do at the end, but notice that I really shared the impact. There’s no manipulation, there’s no “you shouldn’t have,” “what the hell were you thinking?” There’s none of that. It’s just the impact is that I felt unimportant to you, and that’s heartbreaking when that happens, and I just wanted you to know. And you know, the next time that I have a work project and I ask him to clean up the kitchen, or I don’t have a work project and I ask him to just clean up the kitchen, I might say, you know, “Is there anything you need for this to actually happen?” Like, and it could be that he was exhausted and fell asleep, and he meant to do it, and he felt terrible before I even said anything, or he could have totally forgotten about it until I say. Like, his experience is his experience. The point of uncompromising intimacy is for me to open my heart and share my experience, both because that is nourishing and contributes to the quality of connection and, in the context of this conversation, because if I can open my heart, it is so much easier for me to open my legs later.

Mutual Respect and Navigating Communication Responses

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah, yeah, it’s so, so well said, and I love the similarities that I’ve heard in this and similarities in what I’ve talked about in my own work, even regarding things like the permission. I think it’s huge, and I think even when we’re asking for permission around doing the process like you’re talking about, it puts power in both people’s hands, like where it’s, like, okay, in this example you gave, he has power to say, “Okay, yes, this is when I can do this,” and then, in turn, the person that’s asking for that conversation has power because they are suggesting it, they’re bringing it up. But I know so many people, like, just knowing that there’s a space for this conversation can really help the nervous system relax versus, like, okay, I have to have this talk, I have to have this talk, and, like, the nervous system gets hyped up, and we’re worried, and we don’t know how it’s going to go, and we’re festering and circular thinking and all the things. And just knowing that, okay, there’s a space for this, I’m going to be held, we are going to come together for this, then even if, like, you have to wait, it is, you know, sometimes still hard to wait; it’s not saying that’s, like, always a cakewalk, but it can really help the nervous system to calm, at least somewhat, to say, I am going to be heard, my partner is going to hear me, and there’s that space for it. And I also think the other thing that I really want to highlight when you said is just that concept of being successful in these conversations is, in many times, asking for how you want your partner to respond. You know, sometimes I think this is where, like, women in particular, like, we all have our tendencies, women and men, and sometimes I know that a common construct that comes up is women, they’re, like, wanting to just, like, vent about their day and their struggles, and they’re not in problem-solving mode. And a man, you know, again, these are very big stereotypes; of course, this is not true across the board, but it’s just a common thing that comes up is, like, the man in a hetero relationship walks in, it’s like, you have a problem, I can help, I want to help, and then that’s not what the person’s looking for. In this example, it’s like, no, I just wanted, I just needed to talk to my dad, I can’t solve problems, I just need a hug. But how can anybody know that unless we say that’s how we want to respond? So I think there’s so much genius in the way you describe that.

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: I want to add to that and say that if someone is used to knowing what they want, like, you have a lot of self-acceptance, self-awareness, you self-honor in how you orient yourself, then telling your partner how you want him to respond is a very straightforward communication, actually, and you do yourselves both a favor, no question. But what is far more common is you might not know what you want, or you might think what you want is a hug, and it turns out that’s not what you want. Maybe you want him to just restate what he understood so you can be sure that the communication was successful, and then a hug, or maybe no hug, whatever. But the point is that you don’t actually have to have this figured out. I want to really emphasize, building on what you said about honoring the nervous system and calming it, that you can say, “I think what I want afterwards is a hug, and I’m not actually sure, so I’ll update you when I know.” Or you might say, “I don’t even really know how I want you to respond. I know lots of times when I haven’t liked how you’ve responded, but I’m trying to figure out what works well so I can share with you, and we can both be happy with it.” So let’s try this, and I’ll let you know if that’s a good way to respond when I share something like this. It’s, like, you do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to communicate on your journey of discovering them.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah, it’s so empowering and just puts, I think, it puts the couple back into a position where they’re, like, both on the same team, right? It’s like we’re working together for the same common goal of figuring this out, whatever this is, and maybe you don’t know, but you’re on the same team again versus, like, almost at odds with each other, and it works so well.

Teamwork and Empowerment in Addressing Desire Mismatch

Dr. Diane Mueller: So, in the few minutes we have left today, and then we’ll have to continue in part two—oo, yeah, coming soon—can you tell us a little bit about, like, taking this concept of compromise and putting it to this common thing that we talk about in sexology and sex therapy, sex coaching, all of it, which is desire mismatch? And it’s, I’m having way more conversations these days on people that are, like, I hate the term desire mismatch, and I am with them because it really does lead to the focus on this; we create a problem that’s not necessarily a problem, right? And so, why is desire and libido mismatch a myth?

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: Well, I think the whole way our society in general thinks about libido mismatch is, like, one person’s libido, it’s like a thermostat, and one person’s libido is set on high, and the other person’s libido is set on low, and somehow we can’t access the thermostat. There’s nothing we can do; that’s just how it is. And so that’s basically the fundamental idea, and that is so ridiculous because our sexuality, it’s not compartmentalized. It’s not like we can pinpoint, oh, well, we just need to take this pill to do this or that. No, our sexuality is expressive of our wholeness, and if you think of Maslow’s hierarchy, you know, where there are the basic needs of shelter and clothing and food, like, we need a lot of different things to be in place in order for sexual ease and relaxation and desire to flow. So there are so many elements to this, and I know you talk about a lot of them, but the main one that I want to highlight—and my audience is definitely both men and women, and it’s really important for men to hear this, and it’s also really important for women to hear this—and that is that if you have low desire, if you’re a woman with low desire, then chances are you’re not having the kind of sex that you would want more of. And so, it’s not—I know you talk so beautifully about the different causes, the physical cause, the relational cause, and the individual cause—and I think of both the relational causes of libido and the individual causes of libido, both determining that the kind of sex that’s being had is not, it’s not making you want more. And so, the real question is not how to change the thermostat but how to experience more pleasure.

Daily Sensory Experiences and Enhancing Pleasure

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: And so, for a woman with low libido, the first place that I highly recommend starting is putting intention and attention on experiencing more pleasure in your life, never mind sex, orgasm with your clothes off and involving your genitals. Like, if you have a cup of coffee or tea in the morning, how much do you enjoy the aroma and the flavors? Like, how much pleasure do you get when you look at the sunrise or the sunset or flowers blossoming? How much pleasure do you get as you cook food with the colors and the textures and the shapes? Like, all of our senses—our eyes, our ears, our mouth, touch, and smell—are incredible pathways to pleasure. And so, if you’re not having a lot of pleasure, if your libido is low, the first thing to do is dial up the pleasure for your senses in ways that actually have nothing to do with sex, except they do because they lubricate your responsiveness for pleasure in the bedroom, which is rooted in sensual experiences. So the two things that I really want to emphasize in this conversation are that if you have low libido and you’re with a man with higher desire, then your job is to experience more pleasure through your senses in your day-to-day life and then allow that to infuse more pleasure in the bedroom. And to get real, if you’re not having the kind of sex that you would want more of, that you look forward to, then low desire is a very normal, natural, unproblematic response to that.

Part Two Introduction: Nourishing Sex and Pleasure Communication

Dr. Diane Mueller: It’s so well said and such a perfect lead-in to part two, you guys. So we have part two; you guys will be able to access it in the club below. And in part two, I’m going to ask Dr. Stockwell about things like how to communicate with your partner around pleasure and if you’re having the type of sex that is, like, not what I sometimes call the right type of sex, where it’s, like, just not bringing you pleasure, and just like, just like Alexander saying, like, where it’s, like, you’re not feeling that desire because it’s not really doing anything for your pleasure body. And you might still be having orgasms; like, that’s not the point. It’s, is it, like, truly nourishing?

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: Yeah, thank you for that distinction. I think it’s a very important distinction. So, you’re talking about, like, having the type of sex that is, like, nourishing and pleasure-filled to a point that it’s going to actually make you excited for more, and how to have those conversations with a partner when that’s not happening, and how to have these conversations when the ego can get so hurt sometimes around feeling like we’re not providing the type of pleasure we want for our partner. So all of that and more in part two coming up; look for that in the show notes.

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell’s Resources

Dr. Diane Mueller: But before I let you go, I want to make sure people know how to work with you, how to access your book, and anything else you want to leave us with today.

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: Okay, well, thank you. The place to go is alexandrastockwell.com. That’s my website. From there, there are links to my book, which is on Amazon and Audible, Uncompromising Intimacy. It’s the way to find my podcast, The Intimate Marriage Podcast, and links to all my social media. I’m very active on my email list; I send out all kinds of high-value tips and tools and further thoughts like we’re having in this conversation. And if you want to look into any of my programs or working with me privately, all of that is at alexandrastockwell.com.

Closing Remarks and Gratitude

Dr. Diane Mueller: Perfect, and we will have that in the show notes for everybody for super easy clicks and access. Please do check out all of Dr. Stockwell’s books and information. And everybody, this has been such an amazing episode. Thank you so much for being here with me today and listening to this conversation. I hope this really helps you with communication and not compromising yourself, not compromising your relationship for the intentionality of being more intimate, of uncompromising intimacy, like the name of Dr. Stockwell’s book. So thank you, everybody, for being here. Thank you, Alexandra, for another great episode.

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell: Thank you.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret; please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!