My Libido Doc: Reclaiming Mindfulness and Sexual Desire in Relationships

Introduction: Diving into Desire with Dr. Emily Jamea

Dr. Diane Mueller: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we strip away the fluff and get real about mindfulness and sexual desire in relationships. I’m thrilled to have you back for another episode, and today we’ve got a powerhouse guest, Dr. Emily Jamea, author of Anatomy of Desire. We’re diving deep into what fuels desire, unpacking the concept of disembodiment, and exploring why your phone might be sabotaging your sex life. Plus, we’ll challenge the idea that goal-oriented sex is always a bad thing. Let’s get started!

Understanding Disembodiment: Why You’re Not Present

Dr. Diane Mueller: Emily, let’s kick things off with this concept of disembodiment. You talk about it in your book, and I know some listeners have heard this term before. Can you define what disembodiment means to you and why it’s such a big deal for intimacy and desire?

Dr. Emily Jamea: Thanks for having me, Diane. I’m thrilled to be here. Sex is, most of the time, a physical act, but it’s also deeply emotional and relational—an opportunity for self-expression, which I explore extensively in Anatomy of Desire. I’ve noticed an increasing number of clients struggling to quiet their minds enough to focus on the sensations of sex. They’re physically there with their partner, but their thoughts are elsewhere—did I register my kid for summer camp? Do they have coats for next season? Did I call my sister back? This never-ending mental to-do list is a huge barrier to presence, and it’s gotten worse over time, largely because of smartphones and our constant multitasking.

The Rise of Distraction in Modern Life

Dr. Diane Mueller: That mental load you’re describing—it’s such a hot topic lately. It sounds like you’re saying this issue of disembodiment has become more common. Can you share more about how you’ve seen this shift over time?

Dr. Emily Jamea: Absolutely. When I started as a sex therapist around 2008 or 2009, smartphones existed, but we weren’t as app-driven as we are now. Instagram wasn’t even a thing yet! I called one of my early supervisors, Dr. Ruth Sherman—not the Dr. Ruth, but another amazing mentor—to ask if she recalled clients complaining about this kind of mental chatter. She thought about it and said that while people had distractions like body image concerns or performance worries, this constant mental noise wasn’t a common complaint back then. That confirmed my hypothesis: we’re becoming increasingly disembodied as a society, thanks to smartphones and the way we multitask all day—listening to podcasts while walking, checking emails during lunch, reading news at stoplights. You can’t expect to go from that split attention to the singular focus required for mindful, connected sex.

Dr. Diane Mueller: So, it’s like we’re training our brains to be scattered all day, and then we wonder why we can’t just snap into being present with our partner. That makes so much sense.

Dr. Emily Jamea: Exactly. Our calendars are overstuffed with commitments, and we’re like ships passing in the night. It’s unrealistic to think you can instantly reconnect and be fully present in your body during sex without some intentional transition.

Practicing Embodiment: Getting Back in Your Body

Dr. Diane Mueller: You’ve mentioned embodiment as a step beyond mindfulness. Can you break that down for our listeners? And how do we start recognizing when we’re not embodied and take steps to get there?

Dr. Emily Jamea: Mindfulness is a buzzword we hear a lot, and it’s a great first step—noticing intrusive thoughts, detaching from them, and redirecting your attention to the body. But embodiment goes deeper. It’s about being aware as the body, not just of the body, as embodiment expert Mark Walsh puts it. When you’re truly embodied, you’re so present that those intrusive thoughts don’t even pop up. People in my research described moments like, “My hand went there because that’s what it wanted to do.” It’s a profound level of presence with your five senses while also holding space for your partner’s experience.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s such a powerful distinction. So, how do people know they’re not embodied, and what can they do about it?

Dr. Emily Jamea: You’ll hear phrases like, “I feel like we’re just going through the motions,” or “I’m physically there, but I’m not emotionally engaged.” I’d argue you’re not even fully physically present if you’re not engaged with your body. To start, practice single-tasking throughout the day, especially on days you want to connect intimately. When you’re eating lunch, just eat. When you’re drinking wine or coffee, stop and taste it. Notice the sensation of a shower or the smell of flowers on a walk. These small acts build the muscle of presence. Then, when transitioning to intimacy, take 30 seconds for deep diaphragmatic breathing to calm your nervous system, or spend extra time touching and exploring your partner’s body to create a sacred space together.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that—slowing down and treating these moments as grounding rather than rushing to arousal. You also mentioned non-sexual touch, like massages or co-showering, as pivotal foreplay. Can you expand on that?

Dr. Emily Jamea: Totally. We often think of foreplay as something to ramp up arousal, but it’s really about grounding. After having kids, I noticed I needed more of this—like a non-sexual massage for five or ten minutes to shift from the chaos of the day. For busy couples or parents, these acts—like a bath or holding each other—help you get back into your body before moving to anything sexual. Research shows it takes 12 to 15 minutes to get into a focused state, and a phone ping can derail that for 25 minutes. So, slow way down and give yourself that time.

Challenging the No-Goals Rule: Flow State and Sexual Intention

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s talk about something you say in Anatomy of Desire that’s a bit heretical. On page 52, you note that 99% of sex therapists warn against goal-oriented sex, but you disagree. Why?

Dr. Emily Jamea: It’s not bad advice to avoid hyper-focusing on outcomes like orgasm, which can create pressure and backfire. But my book draws on flow state science, a concept from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Flow is that state where you’re so absorbed in an activity that time and space disappear—like a surfer at one with the wave. One of the eight core components of flow is having clear goals with immediate feedback. Think of a band playing a song together—they know instantly if someone’s off-key and adjust. In sex, setting intentions, like wanting a romantic, tender experience or exploring multiple orgasms, brings focus. Flow follows focus, and intentionality helps couples work as a team to create the experience they want.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love how you tie that to intention-setting, like choosing a playlist to match the vibe you want—sweet and tender or intense. It’s such a practical way to bring mindfulness into desire.

Dr. Emily Jamea: Exactly! That’s a perfect example of setting the stage intentionally to evoke the feeling you’re after.

The Brain in Flow: Transient Hypofrontality and Beyond the Honeymoon

Dr. Diane Mueller: You also talk about transient hypofrontality on page 247. What’s that, and how does it impact flow and desire?

Dr. Emily Jamea: Transient hypofrontality is a fascinating brain phenomenon during flow states. Unlike the honeymoon phase, which people romanticize but isn’t the peak of great sex according to my research, flow states offer a richer neurochemical cocktail. In the honeymoon phase, you get dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine, but serotonin dips, leading to anxiety or obsession. In flow, you get all those plus endorphins, which help forget pain, and anandamide, which sharpens focus, plus a serotonin boost for calm. Transient hypofrontality means the prefrontal cortex—where executive functions like planning and self-consciousness live—goes quiet. This silences body image worries, performance anxiety, and self-doubt, letting you fully immerse in the moment.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s incredible—especially for people with chronic pain or illness who might use sex to escape discomfort. It’s like the brain becomes your ally in desire.

Wrapping Up: Bonuses, Resources, and Part 2

Dr. Diane Mueller: We’re wrapping up today, but there’s so much more to cover, like vulnerability and attunement, which you call a cornerstone of great sex. We’ll dive into those in Part 2. Before we go, Emily, tell us how listeners can get your book and bonuses.

Dr. Emily Jamea: If you purchase Anatomy of Desire, visit emilyjamea.com and fill out the form to access hundreds of dollars in bonuses, like my master class, an intimacy discussion deck, a 30-day intimacy challenge, and a pleasure playlist. Follow me on socials at @DrEmilyJamea for daily tips.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Amazing. Don’t forget, you can pre-order my book at wanttowantit.com for nearly $250 in bonuses to boost desire, address physical root causes, and more. Check the show notes for links. Thank you, Emily, for being here, and thank you all for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!