Sexual Expectations in Relationships: Why Couples Get Misaligned and How to Fix It

Sexual Expectations in Relationships

Dr. Diane: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge. I’m your host, Dr. Diane, board-certified sexologist, and I have with me again today another boyfriend edition. I have my partner Mike here in the studio with me today and we have another juicy conversation for you. We’re going to talk today about porn, about the media, about the impact of this on sex life. We’re going to talk about communication and about what changes over the course of a lifetime between men and women and how to communicate better and not just expect that the other person knows. We’re also going to talk a little bit about desire mismatch and mismatched libidos and wherever else our conversation goes today. So thanks again, my love, for being here with me today.

Mike: Yeah, looking forward to another episode.

Dr. Diane: Let’s jump right in on this one. We were talking a little bit about this offline — the impact of porn and the media on you and how that’s influenced sex life, how that has influenced your expectations around sex. I think it’s a really important conversation because the earliest that most of us get exposed to anything is either through porn or through a magazine or through watching an R-rated movie and seeing some sex scene for two seconds in the corner. For many people, that’s as far as they ever get as far as having any sense of what sex really looks like or what the experience is like. So it’s a really important thing to dissect because oftentimes we go into these partnerships with this tunnel vision of this is what sex is supposed to be like. This is what intimacy is supposed to be like. This is what love is supposed to be like. And I think it can really lead to some harm because one, we go into things not knowing, and two, if a partner doesn’t show up with the same expectations, there can be a huge disconnect and often not a huge desire or support in coming together and talking about it.

How Media Shapes Sexual Expectations

Dr. Diane: So tell me, how has porn or the movie industry or media in general impacted your earlier expectations or feelings around what sex should be like?

Mike: I think the biggest thing that comes to mind is the oversimplification of sex itself. Movies show certain stages and how easy things are and how women should act in a certain way, doing anything to please the man in the movie. That’s kind of the general theme, but the reciprocity was generally not there. That kind of conditioned me a little bit, especially through college, where they would just take care of me and I didn’t really know what I was doing to take care of them. So that’s part of my earlier experiences from media exposure.

Dr. Diane: So it sounds like you were getting pleasured and you were not reciprocating pleasure back.

Mike: Correct.

Dr. Diane: And when did that change?

Mike: There was a particular girl that I dated who actually physically taught me and communicated exactly what she wanted. She explained what was going through her head and there were a lot of little subtleties from that partner. That was the biggest thing — basically getting an education with somebody who actually had a stronger communication skill set.

Communication About Sex in Relationships

Dr. Diane: I think this is such an important thing to point out because I think it’s so common that we go into relationships and we just expect the other person to know. It happens in so many ways, not just sex, but sex is the main way it happens. And I also think sometimes we learn from one partner and then automatically bring those techniques into the next relationship assuming they will work there too without checking in. So I think it’s essential that we’re learning techniques but also communicating with our partner and saying maybe your body responds to this and maybe not, or maybe today it does and tomorrow it doesn’t. So just that open line of communication.

Dr. Diane: Do you remember specifics about what made that communication work so well with that partner?

Mike: She was more specific and took more time. She explained step by step and was very patient. Another thing I remember was the acceptance that we were in this together. I did not feel judged. I did not feel rejected. Even though I was doing it wrong, it was just an experience and she would help guide me. That made a difference for me to actually start giving pleasure.

Supportive Communication vs Feeling Judged

Dr. Diane: I think that’s really important — the idea of not making someone feel like they’re doing it wrong, but instead being on the same team and exploring together.

Mike: Yes, it was patience and not judging me for what I was not doing correctly. She would adjust things and guide me. The emotional attitude and playfulness made a big difference. That was probably the first partner I had who communicated really strongly and helped me grow as a partner.

Dr. Diane: Was the communication before, during, or after?

Mike: Both. Before or after we would talk about what she liked, and then during she would guide me in real time. Afterwards there was always gratitude and reinforcement, like a good job, which reinforced what she wanted.

Mismatched Expectations About Sex and Desire Mismatch

Dr. Diane: Let’s talk about desire mismatch because this is something that comes up a lot. A lot of people think it’s more common that the man’s desire is higher than the woman’s, but I’ve seen this go both ways and it can change throughout life. What do you think the impact on a relationship is when there’s desire mismatch?

Mike: It’s all about how you handle the desire mismatch. If you can talk about it and communicate in a way like, “I’m not really feeling it tonight,” that helps. But if one partner has a higher drive and it’s not being addressed, over time it absolutely has a negative impact on the relationship. It feels like rejection and not feeling like a priority.

Dr. Diane: That’s such an important point because when people understand the impact, they’re more motivated to work on it. So when that happens, what helps?

Mike: Touch goes a long way. Finding other ways to connect helps. Sex is a way of connecting, and if you can make your partner feel connected in other ways, that can help bridge the gap.

Dr. Diane: So it sounds like beyond communication, it’s about finding ways to still be physically intimate without sex always being on the table.

Mike: Yes, exactly. It’s always trying to find ways to get your connection needs met.

Unrealistic Sexual Expectations in Relationships

Dr. Diane: I think one of the biggest issues we see with unrealistic sexual expectations in relationships is that people think sex should always be spontaneous, always easy, always passionate, and always aligned between partners. But in reality, desire changes over time, bodies change over time, stress changes over time, and relationships evolve. So we have to keep rewriting the agreements in our relationship and how we connect to keep things healthy and strong.

Mike: I think the biggest takeaway for me is find your love language and see how you connect with your partner, and communication is the most important skill set for any relationship to thrive.

Dr. Diane: And I’m also going to remind people that not only are there love languages, there are sex languages too called libido codes. They help you understand your turn-ons, your turn-offs, and your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs because sometimes we miss our partner’s cues and this helps you not miss them.

Dr. Diane: That’s it for today everybody. Thanks for joining us for another episode of The Libido Lounge. We’ll see you all soon. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more! https://mylibidodoc.com/club