How to Make a Man Feel Respected in a Relationship

Dr. Diane: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I’m Dr. Diane, your libido doc and board-certified sexologist. And I am here today for another boyfriend edition for you guys. This is my boyfriend, my partner Mike. And we’re going to be asking a series of questions today. We’re going to be talking about desire, talking about male desire, what gets in the way of male desire. We’re going to be talking for the ladies things you should know that would be helpful to know about male desire. We’re going to be talking about ways to keep your engine revved up during hard, stressful times and so much more.

You know, I want to start by saying this was a fun experience to start to put this together with Mike because when we sat down to talk about some of the questions that we wanted to talk about live and what we thought would maybe be helpful for you guys, it actually ended up being we sat down one day to just film and then we ended up shutting the cameras off and we ended up pouring a glass of wine and sitting down and with cameras off just having a really big exploratory talk on these types of questions. So, I just bring this up because it created a really cute date night out of it. And I bring this up because some of the questions that I’m asking here, I think are useful to take note of because these are questions that actually stimulate a really great conversation between us. And I think it’s just a good opportunity when we’re talking about long-term relationships and finding ways of creating newness and novelty. One of the best ways I think is through curiosity and questions. And so, I invite you guys if you like these questions to take note of them, to write them down, to maybe bring them to date night with your partner and see what kind of fun conversation stirs up because the other thing that happens when we talk about sex is usually that is a great way of getting turned on. So, this can be part of your date night as far as just exploring emotionally, but also part of turning each other on.

So, without further ado, I want to introduce you guys back. You guys met him once before, a couple times before in other boyfriend episodes, but here’s Mike. So, welcome back, my love. Excited to jam out the truth.

Mike: Yeah, I’m excited you’re here, too.

Dr. Diane: So, you know, it’s interesting and you’ve heard me talk in our own personal life as well as on this show around desire and around females. And so, from a standpoint of females, like one of the things I feel like I would wish more men would know is things like for women going slow is really important. For women, the clitoris is so incredibly important. In fact, what’s so interesting even about the vagina is that the posterior two-thirds of the vagina don’t even have touch receptors. They only have pressure receptors, meaning they don’t have near the nerve endings as areas like our clitoris. So, they don’t respond to the same types of stimulation. This is why for many women, thrusting like three times superficially before going deep or nine times superficially before going deep can add to a lot of pleasure because that superficial thrust is really getting into that front third of her vagina where she has a ton more of touch sensors. And so these are examples of the things that like I just wish that more men would know around desire and around arousal around the female body in general because I think it would just create for a better bidirectional love making experience.

So you know in thinking about to just past not just our relationship but like past lovers and people you know women you’ve experienced life with is there any sort of like pattern where it’s like wow yeah if women understood this about desire if they understood this about sex if they understood this about just love making intimacy in general that it would really help you. Is there anything that you can think of in that regard?

Mike: Yeah. Um the first thing that comes to mind is men um at least myself is we are the desire comes uh much quicker. Uh we don’t have we don’t need the foreplay. Um and I think probably most women would understand that and just just having memories of the past even when somebody you know like just touches me on the back kind of like oh yeah she wanted me you know this is happening. So just having that memory of the past. Um and the the other side of it I think what can really um reduce desire for men the men generally feel the need to be uh like respected. So if women are disrespecting the men then that desire would just turn off. Um so men generally respect is probably you know maybe in some instances more important than love. Um so that’s the the two biggest things. Uh oh and then um as for stress that may it’s unpredictable because sometimes stress can reduce it but a lot of times stress is just a um does it has no impact even amplifies the desire. It can depending on if it’s like a longer term chronic stress that can that can reduce it but stress in the moment can just amplify that you know maybe you just whatever is happening it it it has no impact on desire. So I think it’s different for women in that case.

Dr. Diane: Okay you’re giving me lots of follow-up questions here. So I’m going to um go a couple different directions than we talked about um prefilming. So one is so so it’s interesting because you mentioned foreplay and one of the things you said was that men don’t need foreplay as much as women which is a common belief. So but it’s interesting because when I read surveys that have been done on this what surveys have shown is that men also feel like foreplay is too short on like commonly and that men on average want 18 minutes of foreplay and women on average want 19 minutes of foreplay. So this is what we’ve seen. I’ve seen in some surveys is that we’re actually closer here than we may realize. So in your experience like like do you still feel like maybe it’s not necessary for like that true like arousal but for you where is like the value and like where is the priority of still having foreplay?

Mike: Okay. Um biggest thing there are certain instances where foreplay was definitely you know let’s say things are happening more on a frequent basis foreplay would definitely be uh be very useful to kind of rev things up but I think then for me the number one value of uh foreplay is more of um relaxing like just just from a performance perspective uh just relaxing a bit you can kind of like be more present and you sustain yourself during the love making. So I think that’s probably the number one thing for for play that’s uh helpful for for me personally or I suspect for most men. Um and for play in a way also um there’s a like a call it a a psychological dance that you could if you imagine kind of the the it creates that tension that we can okay we’re coming in they go coming back pulling in that that is also that’s a like a enhances the connection if you want to call it um so that’s pretty much my biggest take away for that.

Dr. Diane: So it sounds like it’s less of the the foreplay is less of like that need for the arousal, but yet there’s still this foreplay for other purposes like lasting longer and and creating more of like being in the moment, that sort of thing.

Mike: Yes. Yeah, correct. that’s pretty much um just enhancing the experience the shared experience we’re having when during love making or pre-love making.

Dr. Diane: So then another question I have is because you mentioned initi my initial question you m mentioned like oh back touching and like how sometimes that’s like all it takes is to get turned on. So, here’s my question because I think women know this a lot of times and here’s a scenario that I think happens for men and women a lot where she may feel like she’s like really in um overwhelm from life and sometimes unfortunately for women it can sex can just end up on the checklist of you know obligatory type of things. I got to check that off. Which is a whole another can of worms that we’ve talked about on this show and we’ll talk again. But for sake of simplicity, let’s just say that that a woman is feeling there’s a sense of obligatory sex. And so what can happen is this vicious cycle where all of a sudden man touches her and in her mind she’s like, “Oh crap, I don’t have time for this.” and she’s retracting because she’s so worried that if she touches him that he’s automatically going to go there and she’s like, I don’t have time for this and it’s, you know, not on my to-do list. And so what can happen in this really common dynamic is that, you know, he touches her or she, I’m sorry, she touches him and then he starts going, you know, towards her and she’s like, “No.” and then he gets hurt and then she winds up not touching him as much because she’s worried that that is going to give him the signal that she’s interested when she’s just trying to tenderly touch him and show love. And so this is I think one very common dynamic that leads the couples not only having less sex but also having less like physical touch and intimacy because of this like subtle push pull of like are they in are they in are they not and you know and like you know you and I even have like nights where it’s like we go to bed and we’re so tired and like we’re like really want you know really want to make love and like both of us are like you know like I don’t know I don’t know and then we wind up making love and sometimes we’ll talk afterwards around like I didn’t I know if that was going to happen, right? And so that subtleness I think can happen at so many different levels of like trying to read each other’s signals even our long-term relationships around like is this on the table or not?

So, do you have any thoughts like like let’s say um you came up and or let’s say I came up and touched your back but I’m not really in the mood and you like get that as a signal around I’m like oh let’s do it but I’m like I’m so exhausted I can’t I can’t do that. like how in that scenario would I best respond to you to say like oh yeah I still you know I still want to give you love and affection but tonight’s maybe not a good night for me or something like that. How would how would how would I handle that well where you’re not going to then pull back and get rejected?

Mike: Yeah. And this is um in our case I think our communication um skills are pretty oh it’s pretty it’s pretty it’s really solid and just really trying to read no it’s not when you’re with somebody long enough you can kind of start reading the signals and I have my own signals I’m kind of ah it definitely not happened with me it’s just even though if you touch me we were trying to engage it like okay I guess Mike is not definitely up for tonight um so it’s a lot of it is I’m trying to imagine this happen organically for us maybe know it may not be for other couples. Um I just wonder if it needs to be expressed ahead of time. Okay. Just because I do this you know it doesn’t always mean you know if you feel like it if you feel like oh my goodness in a way this helped our love language is touch for for both of us. So we just appreciate the touch no matter what. Now that may not be the case for other couples and that may that may need to be kind of like if you can find the your your own love language and one person touching the other is not and just it they can create it just trying to understand and communicate with both uh both parties what the intentions are. Um just you can kind of understand each other’s um non-verbal cues besides touch. It may not for some people it may not may be um I’m trying to imagine this if buy in get oh man this is actually turning me on so much and other get it just doesn’t it doesn’t connect. So I think this is where we like I said bro the touch is just very easy for us because we both had that love language and just and the communication skills it’s um really the biggest thing I can think of for couples.

Dr. Diane: Yeah I I agree. I mean, I think a lot of times these things happen and then it’s almost like, okay, well that was awkward and I gave you the subtle signal and you didn’t and then it gets pushed under the rug and you know and never talked about again. And I think that’s one of the things is like then it just creates the pattern and people are on those loops versus like that pattern interrupt of like okay let’s have a check-in end of the day and say like that felt weird. What was that? like not make the other person wrong about it and just like hey I want to understand and then I think as any you know anytime as couples we get to form these agreements and so maybe there’s an agreement then that gets formed around like okay well you know if I touch you like this this you know means I want you that way if I touch you like this this just means I’m loving or you know just throwing out ideas here or it’s you know sometimes as simple like sometimes we’ll actually like just say like are we going to have sex today like do you you got it in you today you know sometimes we’ll even like name that or I’m like, you know what, I think I just need a a chill night tonight or like, yeah, we’re going to prioritize this for sure. So, I do think like just like not making it weird to just like name like let’s just talk about this if this is on the table to see so we can get on the same page.

I have to take a break from what we were just talking about because I’m so excited to introduce you to a couple of my favorite toys on the market because one of the things I really really am passionate about when it comes to sexual health, pleasure, passion is not only those things because those are very important, but it’s also helping you find ways to deeply heal. And this is why I love the company MysteryVibes so much because their products I’ve seen to do just that. So, I’m going to tell you about a couple of these. I have a product for women and a product for men here. So, this is the female product. This is called the Crescendo 2. You will have links in the show notes. Um, you will also get discounts on this if you use the code libido 20. You will get discount on this product. And what’s so cool about this product from a pleasure standpoint, and then we’re going to talk about a health standpoint, but from a pleasure standpoint, look what I can do with this product. It is so bendable. So, it has all of these hinges where you can bend it in all of these different ways. And what that’s allowing you to do is be very specific around which part of the interior of the vagina, G-spot, etc. that you are going to access and stimulate. Now, what internal studies have shown on this particular product is that it increases arousal about 73% and lubrication up to 93%. So, that’s where I’m talking about, hey, we can get all of this uniqueness of pleasure. We can pinpoint those spots. We can wake up our vagina in ways that maybe other vibrators can’t because you can’t get the level of maneuverability and flexibility that you can with this toy. And all of that and then you can also see in many people an increase in arousal and lubrication for that deep healing component. Also, another product that MysteryVibes has for women that also has been shown to improve arousal as well as lubrication is called the Legato. I will also put a link in the show notes about that. It’s a vibrating ring that that vibrates the entire hole, but it’s phenomenal. So, also look for that. Again, the code you’re looking for is libido 20 for that discount. And now for all the gentlemen watching. So, this is the Tuto 2. So, this toy is amazing because it has been researched to improve erections by double. So, erections go get better, performance gets better, and it can help with prostate health. So, it’s a super easy toy to use. It looks a little bit strange when you’re looking at it, but all you’re going to do is you’re going to just do penile insertion right here. This back part will sit back on the perineum, and voila, there you go. So again, libido 20 for this. If you guys want better erections, if you want to be harder longer, if you want to please your partner longer, and women, if you want to have a better arousal, better lubrication, and wake up those parts of your vagina, so that not only are you experiencing more pleasure, more passion, better orgasms in many cases, but you are also deeply healing yourself as well. So again, those will be in the show notes. I hope you take advantage of these discounts and the coupon codes there. Libido 20 is your coupon code. I will see you all in a moment as we get back to our show.

A quick word from our sponsors before we continue with the episode. Ladies, midlife isn’t a crisis, it’s a power move. On the Mature Allure podcast, we’re flipping the script on aging, beauty, wellness, and everything in between. I’m your host, Sheriel. Here to keep it real, fun, and fearless. Ready to embrace every chapter? Hit play on Mature Allure wherever you listen to podcasts.

Dr. Diane: So biggest thing I agree uh just talking it out um just reflecting on past how we handle it just if it get there are moments I think it’s also there are moments things are just going to get awkward we’re all human we all have our weird moment and just like not make a big deal at all something might be a bigger deal but then that’s worth talking it out it’s even more important okay this no okay they see the pattern your partner um okay they Um there’s certain patterns to avoid in terms of making things weird. Just um but just talking it out and just bring it bring it um like I said naming it that will go a long way in terms of just closing that gap I would say.

Mike: Yeah. So yeah thank you.

Dr. Diane: Uh my next question is back to our you know desire conversation. So, and just helping understand differences between men and women when we’re talking about desire, I want to know like how much of it feels like physical, mental, or emotional because I would say for me, and I’ve never actually done a survey on this for women, but I would say for me it’s almost equally all three. Like there’s a real physical thing happening, but there’s also like something in my mind and there’s also my emotional body. It’s not, you know, strongly. And if one of those things gets shut down, which is typically most commonly my physical body, which I think it is for most women where it’s like it’s like not coming from the arous from the desire um from like the body changes, right? Um the physical body shuts down. And I would say the other big shutdown is like mental, but the emotional desire is probably like the strongest of all the desires for me because there’s that that pull towards like that closeness and connection as like a I would say primary mover, primary motivator. So do you feel like from you for you with desire like are all three of those things like physical, mental, emotional pretty equal? Like what’s you know what’s going on there? You know, more from the man side.

Mike: Sure. um initially is almost always physical and then as you like like 100% physical really or okay sure I mean sure the very initial uh that like the the immediate attraction you know oh yeah desire can be just 100% physical for men uh without any emotional or even mental uh attraction or desire to it now as you start getting to know them or you have a relationship the emot emotional, mental components can grow. Um, you know, it’s it’s variable. Physical will always have the dominant, you know, the u desire trigger if you want to call it. And then I’ll say emotional is probably second. I maybe give it a a time maybe 20 30% at you know like wow that’s like a feel of love and connection and or something you do for me and something um you and then the mental part you it I could probably throw in a 10% for me if I if I had to name the number I mean it it it fluctuates over time so

Dr. Diane: okay so you mentioned like different stages of the relationship but like what about different stages of life like have you noticed like okay cuz you’re 50 now and so compared to 20, right? So like you know 20 like you know libido and desire and drive back at 20. Does that have those numbers changed at all? Was it like you know is that any more or less like emotional driven now compared to before or would you say that’s like been like fairly consistent you knowish throughout life?

Mike: Tricky question. Um, I’m just from my dating experience. I’m just trying to remember my 20s. It just didn’t like some people had a long relationship. I I like a couple. It wasn’t really long in general. Um, I’m talking about my late 20s. So, but I also can like I would say it’s somewhat consistent, but as you mature, your emotional attraction is more available to you. So, but the trigger is pretty uh visible, but emotional is definite there. It grow and grows over time.

Dr. Diane: That makes sense. That makes sense. So I want to talk too about tools for desire and things we you know we use to increase desire. So um so few different things right so flirting you know sexing right so there’s obviously some of that obviously to you and I um but then there’s other tools as well and so one of you know one of the tools that we’ve been incorporating in are the penis pumps and so you know with these I think that one the coolest thing about these penis pumps and this company which we’ll have in the show notes for you guys links and coupon codes but I think one of the coolest things about this company is that they are there’s a lot of different sizes which allows you to fit properly for girth because what a lot of the companies are doing is they’re putting instead of giving you sizes like this they’re building in they’re doing like one size and they put a gasket at the bottom and when they put the gasket at the bottom the problem is it’s cutting off blood flow but they do it to get the suction for the pressure and so you can get like shortterm benefits but because you’re cutting off the blood flow in order to get that suction you’re not going to get like the long-term benefits. And that’s what we’re really looking for here is longterm how to keep the tissue healthy. So I think this is just in my like professional opinion, I think this is like like a tool that as we age, everybody needs, you know, needs some um they make them for the clitoris as well. So I think as women we need to be doing this too because it is inevitable that we are going to see blood not flowing in the same way as we age. It is inevitable for everybody and whether there’s like any any sort of imbalance that is showing up in sex life. The question too is not just about fixing the problem but the question is about optimizing. And so in order to actually maintain um you know good erections, in order to get blood to the clitoris to maintain pleasure, what’s amazing about these products is they they are researched and scientifically proven to be able to do this. And even the research they’re doing on these is um been shown to really reverse things like mild um ED. So that’s really exciting. So you know what is what would you say are your favorite things about the the penis pump so far?

Mike: Um well first off I just want to say that um I was extremely skeptical because like if you the movies I’ve seen uh like the Austin Power the first movie you know they made fun of the penis enlarger pump you know and then one warranty car signed by Austin Power. So there was a lot of skepticism and I sort of gave it you know work with it and I was surprisingly wow it actually effective in terms of this the size and you know girth and length um and the blood flow it’s more for um the noticing the difference of actually the blood flow down the um down the region there and so it’s it definitely a tool I could totally see other couples can be useful for trying to you know enhance their own love making experience from uh whether it’s a thigh or blood flow um issue you have. So yeah, amazing.

Dr. Diane: Yeah, it’s I think they’re really cool. It’s like if people are having ED, it’s like there’s a level where like you’re not even able to maintain an erection, you can put a cock ring here and like slide it down so that once you get pumped up, you slide it down over the penis to hold the blood there. And so I just think this is like an amazing tool with couples are like if they’re struggling like that to have support where they can still stay bonded and passionate and all of that.

Well, this has been so um delightful. I think my final question for you in this episode is is back to something you said in my initial question for you which was when I asked you about what you wish women understood. You said that the impact of respect on desire and you said even more impactful on desire is respect maybe even more than love. So, like do you I’m going to throw you a curveball here too, but can you think because I think there’s like obvious things that like happen, right? Where you know where men feel disrespected, right? So, obviously like cheating on somebody or like saying something like mean or harmful in front of friends or fan like you know kind of social disrespect, those really obvious things. But, you know, can you think of like any sort of subtle areas or subtle ways that men that might be a common way that you or other men have felt disrespected that would be good for us women to understand like the impacts of?

Mike: Yeah. Uh, great question. Um, there it depend a lot of times just it could be a couple things happening here. I’m trying to separate now. It could be one a story that you have uh about something. So for example um if you if let’s say a woman was saying made you feel like you’re number two. Um it’s a subtle not even you know meant to be oh yeah he that Joe over there are definitely better than you. You know kind of like it depends on that partner um and your story that the men may have. You know I’m I’m not number one. That could be misinterpreted rightly. that that’s where the communication comes in or or just having a good um that really it’s just understanding of human your human dynamic the relationship that you’re in and different stage but so if you’re with somebody and just then make make him feel like he’s number two uh in a very subtle way that that can definitely trigger um a sense of disrespect. So it’s not it’s a combination of the two really. Um, so I’m trying to think of another example. It’s just like anything that’s, oh yeah, you didn’t clean the C. This is good enough. Um, and just kind of like little criticisms or little put downs over time. They compound over time. Uh if it if it if it gets too long and that’s where again I’m I’m circling back to having uh communication being like airing it out. By the way, when you said that, I wasn’t could you help me? Could you even construct it? Could you say it like this? Cuz I’m feeling, you know, it just make him feel a little disrespected. It’s very small. Uh you and the the other person may not even mean to disrespect it, but just those little things that could add up over time.

Dr. Diane: So, yeah, that’s that’s awesome. And I, you know, it’s like, it’s definitely interesting that you brought up this like not number one thing because I think that happens for women as well that I don’t think we would, maybe it’s classically use the word disrespect, but that idea of not being number one around like it’s maybe more like safety that comes up of not feeling as safe and feeling more vulnerable, which when we don’t feel as safe and we feel more vulnerable in a bad way, there’s good vulnerability and bad vulnerability. that if we the vulnerability is coming from not feeling safe that it’s very difficult for us to connect you know to connect intimately um and the you know I think your comment around like the the tiny criticisms that you know it’s also really important because we are you know I know like we are constantly I mean I wouldn’t say constantly but like I would say constantly aware is is the way to use constantly of like like those small little impacts and wanting to correct them you know right away when it’s not you when they aren’t big deals. And the other thing that brings up for me that I think I want to mention here is this concept of trust adapt adaptability. So trust adaptability is all about our ability. It’s it’s um a way that we are able to easily forgive small breaches. So when you know when Mike’s talking about hey oh this small little criticism you didn’t clean the kitchen well enough or you know these small little things. Well, one, we want to communicate about them and and talk about them. And then two, the other component is like we can’t hold on to them because that’s the stuff that just puts tiny little nicks into the relationship. And with trust adaptability, it’s all about the ability to forgive those small things easily. And what’s interesting is studies have shown that orgasms and oxytocin that we release during orgasm helps improve our trust adaptability. So the more that people are actually having sex and actually being intimate, the more when those small breaches happen and and you communicate about them, the more easily your body is actually able to say, “Okay, we talked about it. We’re on the same page. We love, care, and respect each other.” And we’re not going to hold we’re going to forgive that one and we’re not going to hold in on our memory. So it doesn’t continue to bring up, you know, because sometimes we can even talk and communicate, I think, as humans, but if we’re still holding on to it, then when the next thing happens, it’s like, oh remember that thing and we go back and we hold on to it and we even if we talked about it, we can still not forgive. And and so I just think that’s an important thing to to realize, right? Because, you know, I think some of the motivation for sex from the masculine and feminine is is very different. I think there’s some similarities like I think ultimately all humans have some drive towards pleasure and so I think we share that but I do think another thing that is sometimes motivational for for women for both you know both genders but for women is realizing like oh right when we do this that actually this actually allows us to forgive each other easier to actually um move past these small things and I think that’s a huge reason why we see that sex and intimacy is a huge factor in determining whether couples stay together in their long-term, you know, committed relationships or whether they get separated, you know, go there to break up or get divorced.

So, thank you so much for being here with me today, my love.

Mike: You’re welcome. It’s a great discussion with you.

Dr. Diane: Yeah, lots of fun. And everybody, um, as always, remember anything we talk about, you can find in the show notes. Um, the penis pumps, there’s tons of different sizes. Remember, I only showed you two of them, but there’s tons of different sizes, plus the gauge that goes on top of it um to make sure that you get proper pressure because improper pressure is a safety issue. Another great thing about this company, but all of that in will be in the show notes as well as coupon codes for you. So, we hope you will access that. Um please do subscribe so you can get the next boyfriend edition that is coming out really soon and we will see you all again in the future. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends! You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!