My Libido Doc: Unraveling Erotic Intelligence and Relationships with Aubrey Aust

Episode Overview: Redefining Desire and Intimacy

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. We have such a cool conversation today with Aubrey Aust coming up here. We’re going to talk a little about somatic intelligence and intimacy, how micro-traumas get stored in our body, and one of my favorite topics—how desires, intimacy, and passion change over time. So many couples get stuck in scripts, thinking, “This is how we express desire, this is how we make love.” But when we don’t update those models as we grow, we lose that spark. We’ll also dive into attachment styles and eroticism, exploring how they can feel safe or unsafe in your relationship. Make sure you join us for part two by checking the show notes. In part two, we’ll go deeper into cultivating safety in relationships and what happens when we feel disconnected or disembodied in passionate moments. So excited to be here with you today!

Why Desire Shifts: Embracing Erotic Intelligence and Desire

Aubrey Aust: Thank you so much for having me. It’s a pleasure.

Dr. Diane Mueller: It’s a pleasure to have you. So let’s start here. Why do you feel desire changes over time?

Aubrey Aust: Great question. One of the most understudied and under-discussed truths in relational psychology is that our needs are not static. They shift as we grow, age, change careers, or go through any life transition. In early adulthood, many of us seek novelty, affirmation, or connection as a means of self-discovery. That’s fantastic. But over time, that longing might turn toward depth, attunement, or safety. Our culture doesn’t teach us how to adapt to these shifts, so it’s easy to pathologize changing desires, especially for women, as something “wrong.” In my research, staying connected to desire during transitions means cultivating curiosity in intimacy over critique. Instead of asking, “Why don’t I feel the same way I used to?” start asking, “What is my body asking for now?” It’s a normal response to life’s natural transitions.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s define desire a bit more. Are you saying we need to normalize a shift toward a deeper kind of desire, or are we redefining desire itself?

Aubrey Aust: Desire and how we internalize it can shift over time. It’s an unmet need, something not being addressed, and that can transform based on your relational or contextual situation. The definition of desire is personal and evolves throughout your lifetime. Staying connected to it means letting your needs evolve with you. That’s going to be individual and ever-changing.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I appreciate that. I hear the word “curiosity” so often in the intimacy space. It’s fundamental, but we lose it in long-term relationships. So how do people begin to understand their changing needs or preferences?

Tuning Into Somatic Intelligence and Intimacy

Aubrey Aust: It’s incredibly difficult to tap into sometimes because we can’t always name what we need. In my research, I use affect theory—what you’re feeling in your body before you can logically parse it out. You might feel a tightening in your chest or something off, but you can’t name it. That feeling is still valid. Erotic intelligence and relationships are about your capacity to stay in relationship with your own desire, across time and change. It’s not just about arousal or performance—it’s about being emotionally and somatically attuned to what lights you up. Recognize the signals your body sends, even when they don’t match cultural expectations or what you think you should feel. It’s about self-recognition over validation.

Dr. Diane Mueller: In tantric and energetic studies, there’s a distinction between feelings and emotions. It sounds like you’re talking about somatic feelings—like a tightness in the chest or a flutter in the gut. How do you differentiate feelings versus emotions in understanding needs and desires?

Aubrey Aust: Fantastic question. Talk therapy helps us parse emotions, but there’s a growing need to tune into somatic intelligence and intimacy. Feelings in the body—like that tightness or flutter—carry so much knowledge. We need to pause, reflect, and feel what’s coming up, then recognize the emotions associated with it. In our fast-paced world, rest is a luxury, but it’s a necessity to tune into what we need. It sounds simplistic, but it’s profound.

Dr. Diane Mueller: So much of the time, we’re taught to ignore those feelings or push through. I think of healthy suppression—like acknowledging a feeling but saying, “I’ll explore you later in a safe space, like in the bath tonight.” It’s not real suppression; it’s creating space to process.

Aubrey Aust: Exactly. It’s about opening the feelings box when the time is right.

Attachment Styles and Eroticism: How They Shape Connection

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s talk about attachment styles and eroticism. We’ve touched on attachment before, but it’s so crucial. How do attachment patterns influence erotic intelligence and desire?

Aubrey Aust: Attachment patterns, especially from early childhood, play a huge role in how we experience desire and intimacy later in life. But they’re not fixed. If you lean anxious or avoidant, you can move toward secure attachment through your relational environment. A secure partner can help shift your tendencies over time. This malleability gives hope. Attachment styles affect how we show up in intimacy—whether our bodies open up or shut down based on the safety we feel with a partner. If you feel safe expressing needs without fear of judgment or abandonment, it transforms how you experience desire.

Dr. Diane Mueller: For someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, do you recommend seeking a secure partner? And how do you even start that process—put it on a dating profile?

Aubrey Aust: That might be the next Hinge category! Ideally, we’re all moving toward secure attachment, but it’s a combination of personal work and safe relationships—not just romantic ones. Start with family or friends where you feel cared for. Name your patterns, like, “I pull away in conflict,” or “I feel anxious when you don’t text back.” Naming those in safe connections helps you move toward secure attachment.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that. In my second book, I talk about “name it, don’t shame it.” So, for someone in a relationship wanting to express new needs—like more foreplay or trying something new—how should they approach it, especially with anxious or avoidant tendencies?

Aubrey Aust: Same approach for both styles: have the conversation outside moments of intimacy. Don’t bring it up when emotions are heightened or you’re in an arousal state. Over a casual coffee, say, “I have this desire I’m curious about.” Framing it with curiosity in intimacy invites your partner in without blame. It creates excitement, potential, and newness—where desire and eroticism thrive.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s amazing. It’s simple but powerful, no matter your attachment style. Let’s remind listeners about Foria’s Quickie Kit, which includes three products, like their MCT-based lube that supports a healthy microbiome. Check the show notes for a coupon code to spark desire and foreplay.

Authenticity in Relationships: Showing Up as You Are

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s talk authenticity in relationships. We often get trapped in societal scripts about what relationships or intimacy “should” be—like the Hollywood white picket fence or the pressure to be the “perfect” partner. How does showing up authentically impact intimacy?

Aubrey Aust: We’re constantly performing versions of ourselves based on societal expectations. One small step toward authenticity is building a non-demanding relationship with your body. This doesn’t have to involve sex—just attention. Ask your body, “What do you need today?” and listen. Maybe it’s gentle movement, stillness, or to be held. Honor that impulse. Simple acts, like placing a hand on your heart and belly, signal to your nervous system, “You’re safe, I’m listening.” This builds trust with yourself, letting you show up more authentically in relationships.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that. As an athlete, I have a regimen, but lately, I’ve been tuning into whether my body needs a long run or just a walk. That flexibility is so key to meeting the body’s needs.

Aubrey Aust: Absolutely, it’s about tuning in and honoring what feels right.

Sponsor Break: Unlock Desire with Dr. Diane’s Book

Dr. Diane Mueller: Quick break to share how you can get almost $250 worth of free bonuses to boost your desire and address low libido from a physical perspective. Pre-order my book at wanttowantit.com to dive into solutions for pelvic pain, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and more. It’s packed with actionable steps for men and women, and the bonuses are available for a limited time. Check the show notes for the link.

Preview of Part Two: Safety and Disconnection in Intimacy

Dr. Diane Mueller: In part two, we’ll dive into safety—why women, in particular, sometimes disconnect during intimacy, feeling disembodied. It’s not just a wandering mind; it’s a deeper absence from the body. Look for part two in the show notes. Aubrey, you share amazing monthly content. Tell us how people can stay in touch.

Aubrey Aust: Easiest way is to join my mailing list, Open Loops, at openloops.substack.com. You can also follow me on Instagram at @aubreyaust to keep up with my research.

Closing: Keep the Conversation Going

Dr. Diane Mueller: Thank you so much for being here, Aubrey. And thank you, listeners, for tuning in to another episode of the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep this a secret—share it with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!