Welcome to the Libido Lounge

Dr. Diane Mueller: Welcome, welcome, welcome to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I’m your host, board-certified sexologist, Dr. Diane Mueller, and we are talking to a kink expert today. This is such an important topic we’re discussing because, as I’ve said so many times on this show, passion and desire often fade when we fall into repetitive sexual scripts, lose novelty, excitement, and fantasy, and just do the same thing over and over. Many people get a little bored. So, I’m thrilled to introduce you to Amanda Dames, kink expert, and we’re diving into kink, fantasy, novelty, and how to reignite your passion today. Welcome, Amanda. Thank you for being with me today.

Amanda Dames: Thank you so much for having me on. It’s really an honor.

Dr. Diane Mueller: It’s an honor to have you! Let’s jump right in because there’s a lot of misunderstanding about kink and fetishes, and people sometimes get nervous or scared to explore these concepts. So, let’s set the stage to ensure we’re all on the same page. What’s the difference? How do we truly define kink, and how does it differ from a fetish?

Defining Kink vs Fetish

Amanda Dames: I always joke that I’m a kink consultant, but please don’t ask me to define kink—it’s so broad! Essentially, the dictionary defines it as anything not considered a “normal” vanilla relationship, which sadly boils down to missionary sex. Anything beyond that is considered kinky—dirty talk, playing with toys, any type of tying up—all fall under the umbrella of kink. It’s very broad, and a lot of people exist within the range of kink if they’re trying anything a little different. Now, a fetish is a major level up from that. Kink is a “nice-to-have,” a fun way to add spice to your relationship. A fetish is something people need to achieve orgasm. For example, someone might have a foot fetish and need to think about or interact with feet to climax. I have a spanking or discipline fetish; I need that element in my sex life to orgasm. So, kink is a nice-to-have, fetish is a must-have, and neither is better than the other—just fundamentally different. The terms are often used interchangeably, which is why defining them is crucial so people understand you can be kinky without being extreme. It’s a gateway to adding spice and fun in the bedroom.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I appreciate that definition so much because there’s often fear or trepidation around experimenting with kink. People wonder, “What does this mean about me if I try this?” Understanding that it can be as simple as wanting something beyond missionary sex—and it doesn’t have to be an obsession—helps build a healthier sexual relationship with yourself and your partner.

Amanda Dames: Exactly. You put it perfectly.

Why Kink Matters in Relationships

Dr. Diane Mueller: So, why is this conversation important? What value can engaging with kink bring to a relationship?

Amanda Dames: Engaging in kink fosters deeper communication, moving beyond just what feels good physically to what turns you on emotionally and psychologically. It’s about the intrigue behind the act—some people like giving up control, taking control, planning a scene, or role-playing as a schoolgirl, secretary, or doctor. It goes beyond “I like it when you touch here” to “I like it when you make me feel a certain way.” It can even enhance foreplay without focusing on the sex itself, tapping into the brain as your biggest sexual organ.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s so psychological! It reminds me of Carl Jung’s archetypes—different forces within us. We all have a range of feelings and desires, and kink is a safe way to explore that spectrum of human experience.

Normalizing Kink: It’s More Common Than You Think

Amanda Dames: Totally. Society often buckets us into our most forward personality, stopping us from exploring other interests because we think, “That’s not me.” But saying “yet” opens the door to change. Research shows a spike in interest in anal sex among couples in their 40s, suggesting desires evolve over time. As couples grow more comfortable and less self-conscious, they’re more open to branching out.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That ties into the concept of “normal.” People often fear kink is “weird.” Do you have any stats on how common kink is?

Amanda Dames: There are no exact numbers because the definition is so broad, but in my experience, about 90% of people are kinky by the standard definition—liking anything beyond missionary penis-in-vagina sex. Most enjoy dirty talk or occasional roleplay. Even those who swear they’re “vanilla” often have kinky interests. Non-kinksters are the minority. If you opened everyone’s bedside drawer, you’d find vibrators, handcuffs—sales data proves it’s common.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That normalizes the conversation. It’s part of the human psyche to explore pleasure in different ways, breaking down stigma that prevents exploration.

Amanda Dames: Exactly. Media creates stigma by portraying kinky people as dressed in black with tattoos, but that’s not the reality. Most people have tried dirty talk or light bondage—it’s far more common than we think.

Starting the Kink Conversation

Dr. Diane Mueller: So, how do you begin if you’re interested in exploring kink with your partner?

Amanda Dames: Start by researching what piques your curiosity—things you’ve always wanted to try. Then, lead with curiosity: ask your partner what they’re interested in exploring and listen. That opens a two-way conversation where you can share your ideas. I created a free resource, Speaking Your Desires with Confidence, available on my site, because this is such a common question. Everyone loves sex, but not talking about it—we’ve been taught to keep it secret. It’s a vulnerable but worthwhile conversation.

Dr. Diane Mueller: We’ll link that resource in the show notes. What about the receiving end? How do you respond if your partner shares something shocking, and you fear judgment?

Amanda Dames: Resistance to specific kinks is personal, so I recommend hiring a coach for nuanced cases, like cuckolding, where societal beliefs about monogamy can create barriers. If doing it on your own, ask why the resistance arises—what beliefs make it feel “wrong” or “dirty”? Peel back those layers to understand if it’s personal or societal conditioning.

Fantasy vs Reality in Kink

Dr. Diane Mueller: Some fantasies are great to explore, while others are better left as roleplay. How do you help couples differentiate?

Amanda Dames: I recommend sitting down and painting the entire picture—how you’ll meet someone for a threesome, what’s off-limits, where it happens. Break it down step-by-step to avoid surprises. Often, one partner realizes their vision differs, revealing if it’s better as fantasy. The worst thing is a relationship suffering because they didn’t have this conversation beforehand.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s key—planning the aftermath, like post-experience care, can clarify if it’s hotter in fantasy or reality.

Amanda Dames: Exactly. Questions like, “What’s your partner doing while this happens?” can stop people in their tracks, helping them decide before acting.

Busting Kink Myths

Dr. Diane Mueller: What are some common misconceptions about kink?

Amanda Dames: First, not all kink comes from trauma. Some does, as people work through past experiences, but many enjoy kink purely for sensation, unrelated to their past. Second, kink isn’t just whips and chains—it’s power play, praise like “good girl,” or roleplay. It’s highly customizable. Third, kinksters aren’t inherently better communicators. Kink forces deeper conversations, but communication skills vary regardless.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love debunking the whips-and-chains myth. Media exaggerates it, shaping unrealistic perceptions of sex and kink.

Amanda Dames: Totally. Media shows sex in predictable ways, like post-sex scenes with sheets perfectly placed—that’s not reality.

Sponsor Break: My Libido Doc

Dr. Diane Mueller: Quick break to talk about our sponsor, My Libido Doc. We believe great sex is available to everyone—you just have to learn how. Head to mylibidodoc.com to get your free ebook, Five Steps to Mind-Blowing Orgasms and Romance, for quick tips to rev up your sex life and deepen passion with your partner. Eighty percent of women don’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, so explore sex that heals, connects, and brings pleasure, reducing stress and building bonds. That’s modern monogamy.

Amanda’s Parting Advice

Dr. Diane Mueller: This has been such a great conversation. We’ll link Amanda’s free guide, Speaking Your Desires with Confidence, in the show notes. Check out part two at Modern Libido Club, where we’ll discuss introducing kink, handling missteps, and more. Amanda, any final thoughts or how people can reach you?

Amanda Dames: Book a consult at amandadames.com. My final advice: don’t stay in a relationship where you can’t open up about who you are and what you’re interested in. Hiding your authentic self leads to lifelong regret. I’ve worked with people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who wished they’d had these conversations earlier. That’s why I help people explore this now.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Such great advice. Thank you for being here, and thank you all for tuning in to another episode of the Libido Lounge. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!