Episode Introduction

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of My Libido Doc, where we dive into the raw, real conversations about reigniting desire and connection in monogamous relationships. Today, we’re tackling why couples stop having sex and how to rip the band-aid off to start again. I’m so excited to bring you our guest, relationship expert Laura How, to unpack this with us.

Sponsor Message: My Libido Doc

Dr. Diane Mueller: Quick break to talk about our sponsor, My Libido Doc. We believe great sex is available to everyone—you just need to know how. Head over to mysexdoc.com to grab your free copy of our eBook, Five Steps to Mindblowing Orgasms and Romance. Get quick, actionable tips to rev up your engines and deepen passion with your partner. Now, back to the show.

Introducing Laura Howe

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hey club members, I’m thrilled to have relationship expert and counselor Laura Howe with us today. Based in the UK but working internationally, Laura’s here to share her insights on why couples stop having sex and how to rebuild lifelong happy marriages. We’re diving into her research and practical strategies for couples looking to reignite intimacy. Laura, thanks for joining us!

Laura How: Thank you for having me, Diane. It’s a pleasure.

Keys to a Lifelong Happy Marriage

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s jump right in. What are the foundational keys to a lifelong happy marriage, both in terms of sexual intimacy and overall connection?

Laura How: That’s a great question. I’d start with care, respect, and a generosity of spirit. It’s not just about whether your partner is good to you, but whether you’re a good partner. We’ve perhaps gone too far toward focusing on self-care—don’t get me wrong, it’s important, but relationships thrive on trust, honor, and making your partner feel safe, seen, and valued. You also need to stay attractive to each other, physically and emotionally, by growing as individuals. If you’re both growing, you’re more likely to stay drawn to each other.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that—be the person you want to be with. But it’s tricky, right? With careers, kids, and the house, how do people balance self-care and caring for their partner without feeling overwhelmed?

Managing Overwhelm in Modern Life

Laura How: That’s the task, isn’t it? I visualize time and energy like a pie chart. You have limited resources, so you need to balance them across your chosen priorities—marriage, kids, work, self-care. I chose to get married, have a son, and a dog, and I’m a therapist. It’s about taking responsibility for those choices. No one escapes the burden of balancing it all. The key is figuring out how to split your pie so no part—especially your relationship—gets crowded out.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That pie chart image is so helpful. Without a plan, it’s chaos. I love the idea of mapping out your day—sleep, work, kids, gym—and seeing where your relationship fits. Maybe people could draw their ideal pie chart versus what’s actually happening to spot the gaps.

Laura How: Exactly. For me, my husband is at the top of my priorities. His presence makes my life work, and our health as a couple impacts our son’s well-being. I’m careful not to let work crowd him out. When he starts looking grumpy, I know he’s not getting enough of me.

Reigniting Intimacy After a Dry Spell

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s shift to why couples stop having sex. In part one—linked in the show notes—we discussed reasons like stress or disconnection. For couples who haven’t been intimate in a long time, there’s this awkwardness, almost like fear, worse than a first kiss when dating. How do they rip the band-aid off and start again?

Laura How: Think of it like exercise. If someone hasn’t worked out in ages, you don’t tell them to run a marathon. Start small—a 15-minute walk. Build up. Sex is the same. We’re sexual beings, and to be fully well, we need to move—physically and intimately. It’s uncomfortable at first, vulnerable, maybe awkward, but you align with that discomfort because the alternative—not being sexual—is worse. You wear the lack of it, like poor lifestyle choices show physically. An orgasm is like fireworks, a physiological explosion of light and pleasure. Why would you not want that?

Dr. Diane Mueller: So well said. We’re wired for comfort, but sometimes you have to lean into the discomfort for the reward. Your relationship is worth it. You’re worth it.

The Power of Generosity in Relationships

Dr. Diane Mueller: You mentioned generosity as a key earlier. Can you dig deeper into what that means in a long-term relationship?

Laura How: Generosity is about seeing others thrive—your partner, your kids, even your community. We’re wired for connection; loneliness kills. When you give what your partner needs—support, presence, care—you align with nature’s rules. It’s not about perfection. I’m not a perfect wife or therapist, but I aim to be available, to offer my gifts. That’s the foundation of healthy societies: people feeling valued and cared for, so they can give back. But you need generosity toward yourself too, to stay strong enough to give.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That balance is key—giving without depleting yourself. It’s a fine line.

Laura How: Exactly. You strengthen yourself to be fully functioning, then give what you can.

Sponsor Message: Women’s Orgasm Statistics

Dr. Diane Mueller: Quick break—did you know 80% of women don’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone? So many miss out on sex that heals, connects, and brings pleasure—reducing stress, boosting serotonin, improving sleep, and building stronger bonds. That’s what modern monogamy is about. Head to mysexdoc.com for our free eBook to start reclaiming that passion.

Wrapping Up with Laura How

Dr. Diane Mueller: Laura, this has been incredible. Can you share how people can connect with you?

Laura How: Find me at laurahowe.com or on YouTube. I work with couples and individuals struggling with relationships—whether with themselves or their partner. It’s a privilege to help restore health and connection. I love this work.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Amazing. We’ll link Laura’s site, YouTube, and part one of this conversation in the show notes. Thank you, Laura, and thank you, club members, for joining us. Please don’t keep My Libido Doc a secret—share it with your friends! You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!