My Libido Doc: Unpacking Limiting Beliefs About Female Pleasure

Episode Overview

In this raw and revealing episode of My Libido Doc, Dr. Diane Mueller sits down with clinical sexologist Dr. Jenn Kennedy to dive deep into the unconscious beliefs about sex that hold women back from fully embracing their desire. They tackle female sexual shame, pleasure blocks in women, and emotional blocks to orgasm, offering insights from sex therapy for women to help couples rewrite their sexual scripts. This conversation is a must-listen for women in midlife navigating libido challenges and seeking women’s sexual empowerment through a shift in mindset and sexual intimacy.

Guest Introduction: Dr. Jenn Kennedy

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of My Libido Doc. I’m so excited to introduce you to Dr. Jenn Kennedy here with me today. We’re going to talk about all sorts of things—some things that are getting in the way of your pleasure, challenges that commonly block women’s sexual empowerment, and how these issues show up in both queer and hetero relationships. Really juicy conversation for women, really juicy conversation for couples happening today. Thank you so much for being here and listening to another episode, and welcome, Dr. Jenn. Thanks for being here.

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Thanks. Always good to talk to a colleague.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Exactly. Well, let’s start big picture because we’re going to dive into a lot of challenges around pleasure. One thing we talked about offline is our beliefs—those unconscious beliefs about sex that run our decisions, our intimacy, our sex lives, often without us even knowing they exist. Can you talk about what you see in your work around beliefs people have and how they impact desire, pleasure, or intimacy?

Uncovering Limiting Beliefs About Female Pleasure

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Absolutely. There’s so much history that walks in the door, right? It’s not just what’s happening in the moment. I wish people were in the moment, but so much is about what they were raised with culturally, what’s influenced them, and what’s happened in their previous relationships—romantic and family. A lot of it’s unconscious, so they think they’re just doing what’s reasonable, but those beliefs are driving every decision. They make sense to them, but they’re not always serving them.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Can you give an example of a supportive belief around pleasure and one that’s dysfunctional or unsupportive?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Sure. Giving and receiving is a big one, or initiation. Sometimes there’s gender roles, like “I have to wait to be approached,” which can be tough. Some people don’t feel like they can be the initiator, so they’re in this waiting mode, putting responsibility on their partner or themselves. It creates a rigid holding pattern that doesn’t allow for natural give and take. It doesn’t feel fun or easy. If X doesn’t happen, Y can’t happen, and it limits what can happen sexually. Spontaneity isn’t available, and that matters.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s such a good point. This idea that one person believes it should always be the other initiating—sometimes with a gender component—can be so dysfunctional and unhelpful to the sexual relationship. When these beliefs are running subconsciously, people come to folks like us to improve their intimacy and connection. What’s your process for helping people uncover these limiting beliefs about female pleasure?

Making the Unconscious Conscious

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: It’s helpful to make them explicit—unpack them. I ask, “How do you guys do this? What’s your dance? Why does it go down this way?” They treat it like a default, like it’s just how things are. I get curious: “How did that come to be? I know lots of people do it differently. What would it be like if it wasn’t that way? If she started it? If it happened at a different time or place?” I challenge them with ideas of disruption to see what beliefs come up. Sometimes they’re holding onto something arbitrary without realizing it. They might let go with trepidation, or they might cling to it for dear life.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that process. You’re listening for clues, like someone saying, “I was waiting for my partner to approach me, and they didn’t again,” which cues you into a belief about needing to be approached versus it being a unique scenario. Is that right?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Yeah, exactly. If they can articulate what they expect and why, so much of this is ingrained. I see couples who’ve been together for a while, and they’ve got their dance established. They fall into unsatisfying routines but have tried some things. They’re coming to me because those efforts haven’t worked, so they’re open to trying something different. I ask, “What have you tried?” and give them credit, then open it up broader to see what else could work.

Overcoming Female Sexual Shame with Sex Toys

Dr. Diane Mueller: I know from your work you use vibrators and sex toys as supportive therapies. Men often have beliefs like, “It’s going to replace me,” or worry about vibrator addiction. Do women have common beliefs about vibrator use?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: There’s an age delineation. Younger women are all for it; older women have hesitancy and less experience. In my groups, older women are curious but fear becoming dependent or offending their male partner, like he’ll feel jealous or replaced. It’s about educating them that it’s not a competition—it’s an adjunct to enhance, not replace. It’s sexual wellness, not something shameful.

Dr. Diane Mueller: How do you support couples in bringing a vibrator or toy into their intimate space, especially when there’s fear or core beliefs to navigate?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: It depends where they are. For singles or couples, I start by talking about it, maybe showing visuals or samples in the office to normalize it. I let them hold it, explain how it feels, how to care for it, how it brings blood flow or makes contact with body parts. It’s like being a medical professional—giving them hope and excitement. They might “add to cart” and try it. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to use it, but usually, they see it’s not about replacing partnered sex—it’s about enhancing connection. Both partners often feel disappointment or shame when things aren’t working, and this can make connection possible.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s my favorite part of this work—helping couples be more in love. Dispelling the myth that a toy replaces instead of enhances is key. It’s not just vibrators—sometimes it’s prostate stimulators, nipple clamps, or devices like Firmtech, which restricts blood flow and monitors heart rate. It’s about what moves their sex life forward. Have you heard of Lioness? It’s a rabbit-style vibrator that tracks female orgasms, showing improved frequency and intensity when tracked.

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: I’ve heard of Firmtech but not Lioness. That’s cool—they’re connected to research with the Female Orgasm Institute. I’ll reach out to Firmtech. Thanks for the tip.

Challenges to Pleasure: Women in General and Queer Relationships

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s talk about women in general from a sex perspective—what challenges do they face? And then, what’s unique for queer women?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Women in general take longer than men. Women masturbating can get it done in about two minutes, but in partnered situations, they need 14–17 minutes of warm-up. They’re more in their head, with a gap between desire and arousal. They bring cultural baggage, body image issues, and responsibilities, making their relationship to pleasure more complicated. For queer women, particularly lesbian women, there’s an extra layer of internalized or general homophobia and the coming-out process. They’re also negotiating sexual roles, unlike the assumed roles in hetero relationships. Statistically, women in same-sex relationships are more satisfied, with higher orgasm rates because lovemaking is longer and more sensual, defined broadly—kissing, cuddling, touching, tribadism, the whole gamut.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s fascinating. My doctorate in Chinese medicine touched on Daoist philosophy—feminine and masculine energies, giver and receiver polarity. Since queer relationships aren’t my specialty, I refer out to folks like you. Do you find it helpful to coach queer couples to lean into giver-receiver roles or switch them up?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: It’s all over the map. Historically, I saw more traditional butch-fem roles, with one giving and one receiving. The newer generation is more fluid, with less fixed roles and more role-switching. Younger folks are influenced by porn and a culture of reciprocity. It depends on the couple—if they love one role, that’s great. As they mature, some want to explore more power or submission. Helping them articulate what turns them on and creating safety for vulnerability is key.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I love that. I see similar dynamics with sensate focus—some shine as givers but struggle as receivers. Do you see that?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Absolutely. Some gay women never receive, and that’s just their preference, not necessarily trauma. As long as there’s an entry point and they know what they like, we’ve got somewhere to go.

Attachment Styles and Eroticism

Dr. Diane Mueller: Let’s touch on attachment styles. We’ve covered them before, so listeners can check past episodes. How do attachment styles play into eroticism, and is addressing them necessary for better pleasure?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Attachment ties back to beliefs, rooted in family of origin and early caregiving. It shapes how you trust, see the world, and expect your needs to be met. A securely attached person sets boundaries, articulates needs, and handles their partner’s emotions well, making them a great lover. Knowing your attachment style informs how you show up erotically. You can improve it in relationship with someone more secure, but it’s a great starting point.

Dr. Diane Mueller: I emphasize that we heal attachment styles in relationships, not alone. A partner saying, “It’s okay, you’re human,” in a vulnerable moment is so reparative. My partner helped me shift from anxious attachment by affirming I didn’t need to be perfect.

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Exactly. Those moments are healing. My course includes a free attachment style quiz to help people understand their tendencies—like needing reassurance or pillow talk—and choose healthier actions.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That quiz is so useful. We’ll link it in the show notes. How do you use it with clients?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: It’s part of my self-guided Pleasure Circle course. It helps people see their starting point, like if they’re anxiously attached, they might need more cuddling or reassurance. Awareness lets them make healthier choices to move toward secure attachment.

Wrapping Up: Keep Exploring Your Pleasure

Dr. Diane Mueller: Anything you want to add before we close?

Dr. Jenn Kennedy: Just keep exploring. Your sexuality isn’t fixed—be curious, engage with yourself and others. My self-guided Pleasure Circle course is a great way to dive deeper.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Love that. The only constant is change, and that’s true for eroticism too. Thanks for being here, Dr. Jenn, and thanks, everyone, for listening. Please subscribe for more interviews like this. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!