Dr. Diane: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Lounge. I’m so excited to bring on Rachel because we’re going to talk about highly sensitive people, about perfectionism, about people pleasing, and what all of these things do to your bedroom and intimate life. I think this is a really interesting topic because so often in today’s society it’s thought of as a negative — in many situations — to be highly sensitive. I’m a highly sensitive person so I relate to that really well. And one of the things we actually see medically with highly sensitive people is there are actually different ways their brain becomes active. So for a highly sensitive person, it’s very common that they’ll have an increase in activity in the part of the brain called the insula. What’s really interesting when this part of the brain is more active is it actually increases the neural networks so that more meaning is made out of emotions, body language, or sounds. There’s a higher level of connectivity in this part of the brain, which actually has its own superpowers — its own magic to it. And so I wanted to bring Rachel on as an expert today to really help unpack all the negative, shameful things that I think we have in our society around being highly sensitive, and to talk about how you can work with this in a positive way — to bring more love, more intimacy, and more passion to yourself and to your bedroom life. So I’m so excited about this topic, especially since it’s near and dear to my heart. Thanks so much, Rachel. It’s a pleasure to get to talk to you today.

Rachel: Yes, thank you for having me. I’m really excited to chat about why being sensitive is sexy.

Dr. Diane: I love that. That’s one of the first things I want to deconstruct because, like I said in the intro, it has such a negative connotation — you’re too sensitive, you’re too much. I hate that. So whether you’re listening as a highly sensitive person or listening to understand your partner who maybe is one, let’s work on deconstructing that — talk about why it’s sexy and really help us reframe what it means, and how being highly sensitive can be a tool and an asset to sex life and beyond.

Rachel: Absolutely. There’s a huge connotation that being sensitive is a horrible thing — why would you even be open to sharing that you’re sensitive? So let me share some fun little tidbits. I love the brain piece you already mentioned. With that comes the fact that there’s about 20% of the world affected by the highly sensitive person trait. Dr. Elaine Aaron is the one who coined it — she’s a genius. If you want to creep on her site, I’m a big fan. Beyond that, it affects men and women equally. And sensitivity can involve all of our senses. It could be that one person is really intense with touch. For me, it’s sounds — sounds are either really lovely, where I notice the tiniest little squeak, or I’ll be at a really loud concert and I’m like, too much, I can’t. So being aware that every sense and sensation might affect a highly sensitive person differently than it might affect the person next to them is important. But past that — the reason I said sensitive is sexy is because when you’re in the bedroom, when you’re holding hands, when you’re doing something that just feels lovely, pleasurable, exciting — you might feel it that much more. So the smallest touch on your person might be like full fireworks for them. That’s a win for both people. I would encourage people to check in with the highly sensitive people they know — ideally their romantic or intimate partners, but even family members — like, what are the things that make you tick, that are exciting, that are overwhelming? Come at it with a curiosity perspective rather than a judgy perspective, because I know society comes at it from a judgy perspective.

Dr. Diane: I appreciate that so much because it is part of the reframe I’m looking for. Growing up it was constantly “you’re too sensitive, you’re too sensitive” — and when we look at the brain changes you’re talking about, there really is a different way brains are actually taking in and interpreting information. Being sensitive means — using your example of a concert — your brain is going to register it at such a heightened level of input. Of course it’s going to be sensitive. If somebody without a highly sensitive brain was outside and it was garbage trucks and chaos at crazy decibels, that’s analogous to a highly sensitive person being at a concert, because it’s what is actually inputting in the brain. Do you find there are certain ways a highly sensitive person should approach their partner and explain it? Because I feel so much of the time there’s gaslighting — “you’re too much, you’re too sensitive.” So from the standpoint of bringing this up — maybe sex and intimate time looks a certain way, maybe we touch this way, or use these sounds that work for an HSP person — how can they best advocate for themselves? And how can the receiving partner make sure they’re providing validation rather than shaming?

Rachel: For me it’s easier to talk about the receiver because I’m on the receiving end of the HSP experience. The things I think about: use “I” statements and speak from your experience and point of view rather than “you did this and you made me mad.” An example I use with my couples all the time — I feel frazzled when we’re late to a dinner reservation and I need for us to be on time so I can be calm and enjoy our time together. That says: I feel this emotion when this happens, and I need this. For a sexy moment, it might sound like: I feel really aroused when you whisper in my ear, and I need more of that to be able to build more desire — especially if you have responsive desire — to get to climax. Being able to mention that and advocate for yourself is beautiful. My spouse is Latin and passionate — a bit louder than me — and I’ll say, “Babe, tone it down. I can hear you from across the room when you whisper, I got you.” Being able to tone things down and advocate for what you want and need is so powerful.

Rachel: For the people on the non-HSP side — what would be lovely is if they said something like: “Hey, can you tell me what it’s like to be an HSP? What things come up for you? What’s really lovely and what’s not so great about it?” Just be curious — like an objective, curious scientist. Have that perspective rather than “why do you react that way?” Being judgy and gaslighting just makes people shut down. If you can be curious and excited about it and say, I want to know and understand you on an emotionally intimate level so that our physical intimacy can be that much better — that’s where the magic is.

Dr. Diane: I appreciate that so much. And I think what comes up for me is that what happens in the bedroom is largely a reflection of what happens outside of it. Life feeds into the bedroom, the bedroom feeds into life. These skills apply to the bedroom but they also just apply to life as a whole — how do we actually want to talk and respond to each other. So I’m curious: in your experience, how does being a highly sensitive person affect turn-ons and turn-offs? In my work I have five sex languages I call the libido codes — one of the types is the sensate. Highly sensitive people would probably fall under this most commonly. The sensate can be so moved by all five senses, but can also be so turned off. Like, they can be in the middle of sex and suddenly stop because the music is too loud or something feels almost interruptive — it’s overriding the intimacy. Can you go into that a bit more?

Rachel: Some people — and this is truly so cool — are able to basically have an orgasm just from music. Waves through your ears. Sign me up. Being in tune is so important, and I think there’s a mindfulness piece in there too — can I tune in to what’s going on for me presently, or do I need to tune out something that’s throwing me off? With senses and turn-ons, touch is definitely one. You’re being intimate with some sort of physical sensation, and so it could be that toys create an amazing sensation — and sometimes they just need the smallest vibration to feel it. I know some vibrations are too intense for me; I need a level one and that’s plenty. Some people need level ten. So there’s that piece. With sight, sometimes it could be too much to have all that visual stimuli going on, so they’ll put on a blindfold, or they might want really moody lighting and soft fabrics. With sound — if a metal playlist really gets you going, great. Make sure you have a solid playlist that works for you and ideally your partner as well. With touch — a silky setup nearby to reach over and feel might be your thing, or a soft rug. With smell — a nice vanilla, leather, or tobacco can feel sensual, but I know a lot of HSPs where smell really throws them off. If they walk into a perfumery, they’re done. They’ve got a massive headache. So being mindful of how many candles you have going — don’t have fifty. Don’t have an entire bouquet of roses right next to them. Check in with the turn-ons and turn-offs, and make it fun for the non-HSP partner too — there might be moments where even someone who isn’t highly sensitive has one facet where they’re really sensitive, and we need to check in on that too.

Dr. Diane: Sound is certainly a big one for me. I am the person who will interrupt sex to say, “Song’s not right, song’s overpowering, I can’t concentrate — change it now.” I actually have playlists on Spotify — you can find the My Libido Lounge playlists, named Sensual, Raw, and Dark Feminine. I create these for myself. And it’s not even just about the playlist; as a highly sensitive auditory person, I could be turned on by a playlist one day because it’s the zone I’m in, and a completely different sound works on a different day. It’s a kind of training we have to do for each other. Initially my partner was like, huh, what is this — when I’d stop in the middle of making out to change something in the scene. Now he just doesn’t think twice about it. He understands: just give her a minute, she’ll be right back, she’s fixing the tone. There is a level of training we have to do for each other so that nobody makes up a story where there’s no story.

Rachel: There’s something called the window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is when you feel open, safe, curious, and open to exploring — that’s a quote-unquote normal experience of being in your window. Then there’s hyperarousal — when you might feel anxious, irritable, with trouble sleeping or digesting. That’s more of the fight-or-flight response. And then there’s hypoarousal — below the window — when you might feel depressed, isolated, or withdrawn. Again trouble with sleep and digestion, but more of a freeze response. I do this with my clients all the time as a session-one topic: what’s your window of tolerance? Where do you tend to operate? Let’s start tracking patterns to notice your nervous system — do you tend toward fight-or-flight, or toward freeze? Notice those moments. If you’re more intense during the day and crash in the evening, let’s find a way to not live in a stressed-out state. Being able to notice: if I’m in hypoarousal, what can I do to gently rev myself back into the window? Or if I’m in hyperarousal, how do I slowly calm back without crashing? The window of tolerance can get that much smaller if there’s chronic stress — you’re in the sandwich generation, dealing with a million things, navigating menopause or andropause — all of that affects it.

Rachel: Regarding intimacy — if you’re in hyperarousal and things are thrown off, what I’d suggest for anyone with a sound sensitivity or any kind of hyperarousal going on is to have a way to calm your nervous system before you even try to get sexy. Because if we’re already stressed and we’re like “okay, stressed — go,” it doesn’t work that way. We have to be somewhat regulated to have an orgasm, to have an erection. So whether that’s a gentle meditation — nothing so deep you fall asleep, just something to calm — deep breathing, gentle stretching, mental visualization — something that feels good. Get yourself settled first.

Dr. Diane: I really appreciate that advice. We see that stress is a huge brake for a lot of people. What I’m hearing is a lot of body awareness and just being aware even before you’re intimate — starting a practice where you check in with yourself: where am I at, what do I need, am I calm, do I need to do some stress-resiliency work, or do I need to chat with my partner about where I’m at? So that maybe we enter the sexual practice differently. Maybe we start with sensual massage. Maybe we’re not just jumping into it right away, depending on our needs.

Rachel: Absolutely. And for people who’ve been together for a while there might be a sense of routine — we show up, we take off our clothes, we get it done in five minutes before the kids wake up. Sometimes that’s all the time you’ve got, okay. But hopefully there are also ways to build in some novelty, something to spice things up. That helps with desire and arousal. Being able to communicate with a partner is so needed — hey, I’m overstimulated, it’s too much. Can you massage my back for a minute? Can we do some co-regulation — stare at each other, do some eye gazing? Whatever works for you is what matters.

Dr. Diane: I want to talk about some of the downstream effects that often happen with highly sensitive people — things like perfectionism and people-pleasing — which I think often happen when we don’t know ourselves, or when we don’t know how to effectively advocate for ourselves. We’re going to talk about that in Part Two, everybody. So make sure you go below this video to find out how to access Part Two. Before we go, I want to make sure everybody knows how to get a hold of you, Rachel. I know you have a great freebie about getting introduced to sex therapy.

Rachel: Yes! The freebie is accessible right on our main website, sagecounselingandwellness.com — I know, the longest URL ever. But with that said, it’s a guide for anyone who’s like, where do I even begin with sex therapy? All the questions you’d want to ask are in there. It’s pretty lengthy for a freebie, so you’re welcome. Pop your email in and you’re set. And in terms of reaching me — pretty much every platform humanly possible under Sage Counseling and Wellness, or just type in my name, Rachel Dorneanu, and we can go from there, whether it’s for therapy or for coaching.

Dr. Diane: Amazing. And I know you work with clients all over the world, so you’re very location independent. We’ll have all of Rachel’s links below the video — just click and you don’t have to memorize anything. You’ll see links for the products I mentioned as well in the show notes, along with coupon codes for those. And make sure you go to the link below to learn how to access Part Two — the people-pleasing and perfectionism conversation is such a common thing, so much taboo and stigma around it, and there are so many steps we can take to have a better sex life, to advocate for ourselves, and to have stronger intimacy with yourself and your partner just by knowing something. That’s what we’re talking about next. Make sure you do subscribe so you don’t miss any future content, and I’ll see you all again real soon.