Keeping the Flames Alive in Your Long-Term Relationship

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Libido Lounge, where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido. We believe that fabulous sex is just as important to your health as exercise and good food.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Lounge! Today we’re talking about novelty in monogamy—how to keep things hot, spicy, and passionate in long-term relationships.

The Power of Dopamine and Desire

Dr. Diane: Novelty is linked to the dopamine response, which is crucial for passion. We want to create space and distance, flirtation, and foreplay—actually allowing time to miss each other. And yes, schedule sex!

But also, remember that for most women, libido is deeply connected to emotional intimacy. So, in addition to scheduling intimacy, make time weekly to talk openly about what’s on your mind. This helps avoid the common scenario where one small thing snowballs into dumping six months of frustration.

Emotional Intimacy Is Just as Important

Dr. Diane: All these little unresolved things disconnect you from your sensual self—and from great sex. Schedule time once a week or every other week to clear the air. You don’t need to rehash previous episodes, like 25 and 26, but just know: making space for emotional clearing can do wonders.

Ask things like: “Hey, that thing you said the other day hit me weird—what did you mean?” These gentle check-ins help avoid buildup and emotional volcanoes.

And please—don’t text your partner about emotionally charged stuff. These conversations are best had in person, or at least over the phone.

People, Places, and Things: The Three Keys to Keeping It Hot

Dr. Diane: When it comes to keeping things interesting, break it down into people, places, and things. This framework can help you explore all kinds of novelty.

People: Roleplay and Fantasy Exploration

Most of my clients are long-term monogamous couples. Occasionally, some explore third-party experiences while traveling—but that’s not for everyone.

Instead, try roleplaying. It can feel awkward at first, but also incredibly hot. Go out for a cocktail and pretend you’re strangers. Or keep it simple with a little costume, a wig, or just a new persona.

Start with questions like:

• What are your fantasies?
• If you could sleep with a celebrity, who would it be?
• What kind of stranger would turn you on?

Get playful. Even if it’s silly or imperfect—like someone falling off a chair—embrace the fun and be in it together. This opens up new worlds of intimacy and laughter.

Places: Change the Scene, Change the Energy

Dr. Diane: New settings create new sparks. Think about where you’d love to get intimate. Public places—if safe and legal—can add thrill: a hike deep in the woods, a quiet airport bathroom, even just public foreplay with your clothes on.

Not into public spaces? Explore every room in your house. Try a different chair, a closet, the kitchen counter.

And don’t forget the magic of hotels. You don’t have to leave town—just book a room nearby. Sometimes, the unfamiliar surroundings shift your energy completely. Whether luxurious or budget-friendly, it can be a huge turn-on.

Things: Toys, Tools, and Sensual Surprises

Dr. Diane: Things can be so many things. Sex toys, new lubes, kitchen ingredients like whipped cream or ice cubes—these all bring novelty. Try warming or cooling glass toys, or get playful with chocolate sauce.

Ask each other:

• What’s the wildest sex toy you’d want to try?
• Would it turn you on if we tried [insert fantasy here]?

Explore different positions, or even something new like anal sex, which research shows many couples begin exploring in their 40s.

Mirrors, props, new lubes—layer your fantasies. Combine people, places, and things to create dozens of new adventures.

Building Connection Through Conversation

Dr. Diane: Most people fall into routines. The way out is through intentional exploration. Talk to your partner:

• What are your fantasies involving people, places, or things?
• What’s something new we’ve never done—but might want to try?

Make it a date night—candles, wine, kids in bed, quiet music—and just talk sexy. Build flirtation, desire, and that sense of mischief that reignites your chemistry.

Flirting fades in long-term relationships when we run out of material. But with this framework, you’ve got fresh material for years.

Rekindle That Passion—Together

Dr. Diane: It takes two to tango, so having a willing partner is key. But if you do this together, the possibilities are endless. There’s so much fun, depth, connection, and heat waiting for you.

Okay everybody, I love talking about all this stuff. It’s been really fun doing another episode with you all.

Make sure to share this podcast with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!