How to End Arguments Fast: Stop Fighting with Your Partner & Rebuild Connection

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge. I’m so excited to invite a very special guest, a fairly recent new friend of mine. Before I bring her up, we’re going to talk so much about one of the key things in libido and sexual wellness, which is communication. And of course, communication is not just about sexual intimacy. It’s about everything in our relationship. And it’s really the foundation I feel for healthy relationships as well as healthy sex lives. 92% of people that say they have really healthy sex lives talk about it. And in order to do so, we need to get conscious communication, effective communication, kind communication. We need to get the skills and the tools down for doing that. And that’s what we’re going to do today.

The Power of Openness and Honesty in Relationships

Dr. Diane Mueller: Before I bring Elisha up, I also wanted to mention that those of us in the sexual wellness and relationship space really need your help. We are finding that even though we are talking about sexual wellness in ways of supporting people and helping people grow this part of the relationship, fall more in love, be closer, approach this with kindness, compassion, with growth and all these things, we are being censored on a lot of platforms. This is not just me. This is hundreds and thousands of other people like me doing this work in the world. So the way we are able to reach others that need help is when you subscribe and share. If you could do that and help us get around this shadowban world where when we talk about sex in a conscious way, we’re still getting banned on the internet, we would really appreciate you. And then without further ado, thank you so much, my new friend. Thank you for coming to the show and welcome to the lounge.

Elisha S. Lee: Oh, thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here and to talk to you about this very extremely important topic. It’s actually something I’m extremely passionate about because without communication things kind of unravel. So let’s talk about this so that we’re not unraveling anymore.

Why Communication Breakdowns Kill Desire and Connection

Dr. Diane Mueller: You know, it’s amazing to me in looking at my own history of relationships and where I was historically versus now. Anytime I’ve ended relationships or they’ve ended for whatever reason, it’s always important to go back and reflect. And it’s amazing how many times in reflecting you can look back and be like, well, that’s communication gone wrong, and that’s communication gone wrong, and that’s communication gone wrong. So I just think it happens so frequently. Let’s start by laying the foundation for us. What are the foundational things that we need to be thinking about in communication across the board in relationships—whether we’re talking about sex or any other thing? Where do we start? What are some of those foundational strategies?

Elisha S. Lee: Openness and honesty, right? Especially in the sexual wellness side of things. Openness and honesty is extremely important. Also do some regular check-ins, setting aside time to make sure that you’re not having miscommunication. I statements: when something happens, I feel… when this experience happens, I feel or I notice… instead of the you. Regular check-ins are extremely important because that is what keeps you connected to one another. The more you communicate, the more you’re nurturing your relationship.

Mastering I Statements Communication (Without Blaming Your Partner)

Dr. Diane Mueller: I was watching a movie recently—an old movie from like 2010-2012 something like that—and there was a part where the couple was going to therapy and practicing I statements. They did a really good job of showing where those kind of statements can go wrong. In the movie they were like, “Well, I feel that you are an [__].” So you got your “I” and “feel” in there, but then it turns into blaming. How do people avoid that? How can you give us granular support there? Because we can know part of the story but not the whole story and then use it the wrong way.

Elisha S. Lee: It could be said, “I feel when this situation happens—like I feel when I’m being ignored when there’s a football game on—that you’re dismissing me or that it hurts my feelings.” So instead of saying “I feel that you’re being an [],” see there’s the “you.” We have to avoid that you. Being intentional about saying what that scenario looks like, providing the example of what, because the first thing somebody wants to do is deflect or say “I’m not being an [] to you.” Providing that example helps because it could be a misunderstanding of perception.

How Assumptions in Relationships Destroy Trust and Libido

Dr. Diane Mueller: Another thing that comes up often, especially in heterosexual relationships, is one partner will take out the trash bag and leave it by the door, hoping their partner will take it out. Then the partner walks by it and the first partner thinks, “You clearly want me to do all the work.” They formulate all these stories. Partner B is like, “I didn’t even register it in my brain.” We see examples like that all the time where nonverbal communication leads to animosity. How do we break that down foundationally?

Elisha S. Lee: Assumption can be extremely dangerous. We never want to assume because we’re not that person. Even though you might know this person as well as you think you know them, you’re still not them. It’s always best to be intentional with empathy and being as honest as you can. “Hey, do you mind picking up that trash?” or “I left that out for you. What’s your schedule like today?” Not trying to assume someone has the bandwidth. In the world of texting, sometimes it’s better to go verbal or FaceTime because that person can’t see your body language and the tone could be misconstrued.

Conflict Resolution for Couples: Stop the Vicious Cycles

Dr. Diane Mueller: What about when conversations get into vicious cycles? We have pain from a misunderstanding, then communication doesn’t go well, that’s a second arrow. Then we shove things under the rug. How do we prevent long-term damage?

Elisha S. Lee: That’s why those regular check-ins are extremely important. Being intentional about setting up time just to talk to each other. In the beginning of the relationship, it was talking. If you’re able to, especially as busy as life is today, try to do it every day, or every other day. Communication is the lifeblood of your relationship. That is what helps you survive, helps your connection, is the beginning of intimacy.

What Real Relationship Check-Ins Look Like (Practical Tips)

Dr. Diane Mueller: How does this look? Frequency? Format? What do those check-ins look like?

Elisha S. Lee: Try every day as much as you can. If not, every other day. You get to define what it looks like. Typically I talk with clients about addressing any triggers that happened within the communication of the day. That’s the time to get clarity around the trash bag, understand what the other person was thinking, talk about parenting. It’s a quick clear the air. You get to pick when—before bed, middle of the day phone call, morning while getting ready. It can alternate. The point is just do it. The more you communicate, the more you’re nurturing your relationship.

Dr. Diane Mueller: That’s very fair. And you want to give everybody an action step right now. I would make a point today to talk to your partner: when do we want our regular check-ins to be? What does this look like? Schedule it. If it’s not in the schedule, it’s probably not going to get attended to.

Closing & Next Steps

Dr. Diane Mueller: So much great stuff today. We are continuing in part two where we’re going to talk with Elisha even more on how to listen better, how to work with communication when relationships are changing—like having a kid or travel schedules. All of that is coming in part two. How do people get a hold of you?

Elisha S. Lee: I’m at restoringyouchristiancounseling.com. You can go into that website. I usually have psychoeducation groups for married couples. You can give me a call at 443-860-6870. And check out the podcast for different types of relationship advice as well as sexual wellness.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Absolutely. We’ll have all of those links in the show notes. Thank you again for joining us and everybody, I hope you will join us for part two where we’re going to go even deeper. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!