How to Start an Open Relationship?

Introduction to Discomfort and Curiosity in Relationships

Dr. Diane: We have a whole society built on avoiding discomfort. It’s okay to be uncomfortable; it’s okay to have feelings that don’t feel great sometimes. It’s the human experience—it’s not failure, it’s growth, it’s process. They’re not called growing pleasures, right? All you know is that you’re curious, and that’s great. That doesn’t mean you go to a sex party tomorrow or bring a third person into your bedroom. It means you’re curious, and you want to learn more.

Relationship Norms and Creating a Safe Space for Dialogue

Dr. Diane: We’re in a society where we’re given a relationship prescription: here’s what a relationship looks like, and if it’s not working for you, you are the problem. That’s just not true; it’s never been true. Is your relationship a safe container to have these uncomfortable conversations? You’re doing life with somebody; some weird stuff is going to happen along that ride. You have to be able to sit in that discomfort and work through it together to strengthen your connection. A relationship without trust and freedom isn’t partnership; it’s ownership. You get better at navigating discomfort by owning your needs. You give your partner the invitation to participate with you or not—neither is wrong. Do you want to be with a partner who’s choosing to be with you or who feels like they have no other choice?

Sponsor: My Libido Doc

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Guest Introduction: Ally Iseman and Consensual Non-Monogamy

Dr. Diane: Welcome to the Lounge! I’m so excited to introduce our guest today, Ally. I’m your sexyologist and libido expert, Dr. Diane, and I’m thrilled to have Ally here for so many reasons. Those of you who have followed my show know my history with consensual non-monogamy and how, through my own discovery, I realized I love monogamy and am truly wired that way. One key lesson from that lifestyle is that we get to make our own rules. The more we explore what’s right for us and our relationships, the more we can bring passion back into any arrangement we choose. While I focus on novelty and monogamy with my clients, I brought Ally in because she’s amazing at diving deep into this topic, raising awareness of how these principles apply to both monogamy and opening up relationships if that feels right for you and your partner. Welcome to the show, Ally!

Ally Iseman: Thank you so much for having me! What a wonderful introduction.

Dr. Diane: My pleasure. Let’s lay the ground rules because I haven’t talked much about the other side of monogamy—consensual non-monogamy. People often get confused between consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, and the swinger lifestyle, as they all have nuances. Can you open this up with the framework so we’re all on the same page?

Ally Iseman: Absolutely. This is a conversation about relationship dynamics, not about saying monogamy is bad or non-monogamy is good. These are all dynamics that, when understood, allow us to make a choice. The easiest way to break down the terminology is that non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) are synonyms. They’re an umbrella term for dynamics like polyamory, swinging, solo polyamory, and relationship anarchy. Monogamy is one sexual or romantic life partner, while non-monogamy involves multiple sexual, romantic, or intimate partners simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Ethical Non-Monogamy vs. Cheating

Dr. Diane: That’s key—people get confused because we’re not talking about cheating. The ethical part means it’s transparent, with integrity, honesty, openness, and ground rules where everyone agrees on the relationship’s terms.

Ally Iseman: Exactly. A lot of people, regardless of their relationship choice, fantasize about a novel partner. So, how do you start determining if exploring this with your partner is right for you versus keeping it in fantasy?

Dr. Diane: What strategies do you recommend for that?

Ally Iseman: Start with curiosity over conviction. All you know is you’re curious—that’s great. It doesn’t mean jumping into a sex party or bringing someone new into your bedroom. It means you want to learn more. I like metaphors: if you’re interested in swimming, you don’t dive into the Pacific Ocean. You find a teacher, a local pool, take lessons, and try it out in bigger waters later. It’s a process. Start by gauging where your partner is at with an initial conversation: “Hey, have you heard of consensual non-monogamy? I read this article—what do you think?” You’re not asking for anything yet, just inviting them to explore what this is—maybe read an article or watch a movie together.

Educating Yourself on Non-Monogamy and Boundaries

Dr. Diane: I love that. When I first explored this, I read every book and article I could find, like The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn. Now there are newer books like Polysecure. Even just talking about it with my partner at the time was like foreplay. Do you see that with the people you coach?

Ally Iseman: Absolutely. Whether you open your relationship to include others or just open up more authentically to each other, I help you open up without blowing up. Curiosity is key—whether it stays in fantasy or becomes a desire you bring into reality. Start by exploring your sexual, physical, emotional, and romantic needs, and your hierarchy of exclusivity. We’re given a relationship prescription that says if it doesn’t work, you’re the problem. That’s not true. Our species is ambiamorous—capable of both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. Understanding dynamics enables you to choose what supports you.

Understanding Personal Motivations for Non-Monogamy

Dr. Diane: Are there self-discovery questions you recommend for journaling, meditation, or working with someone like you?

Ally Iseman: Understanding your “big why” is integral. I have a free tool called the What the Do You Want Workbook at passport2pleasure.com/bigy. It helps uncover why you’re curious—is it sexual, emotional, or both? This informs your journey and decisions. Look at your hierarchy of exclusivity for sexual and emotional needs. My course, ENM 101, walks people through this. It’s like learning a new language—beginner’s mindset. Also, how do couples handle mistakes? Is it a blame game, or do you learn and adjust boundaries? Jealousy and mistakes are opportunities for deeper connection, even for monogamous couples.

Dr. Diane: I agree. Jealousy can arise over anything—looks, conversations, friendships. Ethical non-monogamy brings those issues to the surface to work on.

The Benefits and Challenges of Non-Monogamy

Dr. Diane: What are common pros and challenges in ethical non-monogamy?

Ally Iseman: It’s like relationship exposure therapy—it brings things to the surface. You see who you and your partner really are and whether your relationship is a safe container for uncomfortable conversations. Benefits include increased safety from communication, using jealousy as a tool, owning desires, and understanding boundaries. Boundaries aren’t rules—they’re how I take care of myself and invite you to join me. Rules control others; agreements are for the relationship. Challenges arise because it’s new, like going to the gym. The weights don’t get lighter—you get stronger at navigating discomfort.

Navigating Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements in Relationships

Dr. Diane: Let’s dive into boundaries. You said boundaries are about “me,” rules are about “you,” and agreements are about “we.” How do people unpack that and handle situations where boundaries aren’t respected?

Ally Iseman: I’ll use a dramatic example to clarify. In our society, we have a closed version of relationships—partnership versus ownership. Relationships are agreements; you’re choosing to be with someone. I can decide if I’m monogamous or non-monogamous, but I can’t tell my partner how many partners they can have. I can choose to be with someone who aligns with my needs, like wanting a monogamous partner. If they’re polyamorous, I might choose not to be with them. You’re responsible for choosing partners who align with your boundaries.

Dr. Diane: That’s a perfect example. In my last poly relationship, I realized I wanted monogamy, while my partner wanted polyamory. I chose to leave because our values didn’t align. That was me owning my needs.

Ally Iseman: Exactly. By owning your needs, you gave your partner the choice to participate or not. Neither is wrong. Ending a relationship isn’t failure—it’s success if it allows both to create something more supportive.

Boundaries, Ultimatums, and Their Intentions

Dr. Diane: People often confuse boundaries with ultimatums. How do you distinguish them?

Ally Iseman: It’s about intention. Are you weaponizing connection, saying, “You better do this,” or are you saying, “This is what I’m available for”? Do you want a partner who chooses you freely or feels they have no choice? Framing matters—invite, don’t control.

Dr. Diane: Society avoids discomfort, but it’s okay to feel uncomfortable—it’s growth, not failure. We’re not taught to handle paradoxes, like feeling joy in taking care of yourself and devastation at losing a partner. Boundaries versus ultimatums come down to word choice, framing, and intention.

Ally Iseman: Exactly. Is it a power play or an invitation?

Effective Communication and Relationship Skill-Building

Dr. Diane: Before we wrap up, is there anything essential we haven’t covered about starting to explore ethical non-monogamy?

Ally Iseman: This is about learning relationship dynamics. Society gives us a lazy relationship prescription. Many practice “lazy monogamy,” assuming shared meanings without conversation. Relationships are a skill set, like leadership or communication. There’s no shame in developing these skills for our most important relationships. Learn about dynamics to make an active choice, whether you open your relationship or not.

Preview of Episode Continuation

Dr. Diane: That’s a great lead-in. We’re filming part two, which you can access in the Modern Libido Club. We’ll apply these concepts to monogamous couples, so tune in if you want to stay monogamous but use these principles. Links will be in the show notes.

Support Systems in Exploring Non-Monogamy

Dr. Diane: Having support like yours is essential. I saw relationships struggle without proper communication. How can people connect with you?

Ally Iseman: Support is key, especially when well-meaning friends or family suggest closing a relationship without understanding the root issues. Many therapists come from a mononormative viewpoint, so a specialist is crucial. Find me at passport2pleasure.com. I have an active Substack with free content on jealousy, communication, compersion, and boundaries. I share videos, articles, and my story. I also have a monthly inclusive relationship advice column, Ask Ally, for both monogamous and non-monogamous couples.

Episode Wrap-Up and Resource Guidance

Dr. Diane: We’ll include all links in the show notes. Thank you, Ally, for sharing your wisdom and helping this community. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more!