Intimacy Challenges and the Impact of Career Stress and Parenting on Male Libido

Dr. Diane: Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. I have a treat for you today. We are talking about something we’ve talked about before which is desire mismatch but we are talking about it from a man’s perspective. So I have with me to introduce you guys to my partner Mike and we are going to talk today I’m going to get his thoughts on this topic to help you guys. And I also want to remind you that we are in love season right now. And for our love season you can get my 4-day to better sex jumpstart course for 30% off. So links for that will be in the show notes. That there will be a coupon code for 30% off that will expire soon. So make sure you take advantage of that. And without further ado, welcome to the lounge, Mike.

Mike: Thanks for having me over. I’m happy. Excited to share what we got here, but not too personal. I hope a little personal, but keep it in, you know, the realms of our own our own love and our own special bubble and all that too, of course. So let’s jump in.

Dr. Diane: So we like every couple out there like one of the things that I feel is that every couple if you are together long enough you are going to go through times where one partner wants it more than the other and it can change at different points of the relationship and of life. So within our own experience and within our own love bubble of things that we have experienced with desires, my question for you is what have our own desire mismatches as they’ve come up? What have they taught you about keeping the spark alive?

Mike: Uh the biggest thing I think is um I guess as you get older the stress takes more of an impact uh both sides you know from my experience from if I recall just a number of times or when you’re at work you get stressed out you come home and it’s just not either reading you know in the mood of course you know and then having um we both have busy careers and stuff both run businesses. I have three, you know, got three kids and everything and just just a lot of uh different factors outside that can impact um the navigating all the logistics and then on top of that coming back so creating space to um make time for each other. That’s really I would say the the biggest thing I’ve I learned in the past time.

Dr. Diane: Yeah. Yeah, cuz I feel like what’s come up for us probably the most and challenging is like, oh, okay, well, we have, you know, the kid nights and sometimes the kids are with their mom and you know, when it’s like kid nights, it’s like like, oh yeah, kids will go to bed and we’re going to like still like get it in and like I think it’s pretty rare that when the kids go to bed on some of those nights cuz we’re so involved and it’s so such a part of it and it’s so easy I think for the kids to just like we could just allow that to like take over. So, what do you think? Do you think we’ve done anything in particular? Just like when you’re saying like create time, like how do you like how is that like looked in your mind as far as organizing that to make sure that we still prioritize each other?

Mike: Um, yes. No, we Yes, 100%. A lot of it is and the fact that we enjoy this kid time, it’s fun. It’s just engaging. So, we don’t have to like, you know, it’s it’s so integrated and easy and fun just to hang out with all of us. So we kind of like almost not forget but it’s kind of okay well we’re going to get it through the weekend you know and we get it through the other um so the things we navigate how do how do we create space they how we create space for each other that or with the kids or stress and how are we keeping the spark alive like what do you think we’re doing that keeps that alive

Dr. Diane: Uh date nights just is in particular like prioritizing um especially if the kids are not around making sure that we’re taking time for each other That’s probably the the fabric is the number one thing. It’s like, okay, prioritizing. Okay, we got we got uh working and then we got we got a Thursday and a Friday. Oh crap, we’re busy Thursday, Friday. So, I’m I’m gonna come over on a on a Tuesday to make sure that we can all have because we’re we’re kidn.

The Science of Scheduling Sex: Why Planned Can Be Just as Hot as Spontaneous

Dr. Diane: And that’s one of the points too I think I wanted to make for everybody too because I read a really interesting research article today. I haven’t told you about this yet, but it was looking at scheduling sex and planning sex and um because a lot of people will believe if it’s like not spontaneous, if it’s like scheduled, then it’s not as hot. And what this article said in this um this research was just published a month ago. So, it’s like or several months ago when this video is coming out. But at the time of making this video, um it was about a month ago um in November. And what the what the article with this research found was that if people believed planning sex was not hot, then it would actually be not hot. But if they believed it was just like just as hot as spontaneous sex, then it actually was just as as hot as spontaneous sex. And what they also found was that when they people reprogrammed their mind. So they gave people in this study they gave them like a um research paper that paper that said hey planning sex can actually be hot and then they actually found that if people were doubting that and they thought oh it’s not hot and they read the study then actually they were finding as they planned it actually became hot. So, I don’t feel like we like, you know, it’s not like we plan it to the level of like, oh yeah, we’re always going to have sex at this time. But I do feel like we do plan it in a way because we look and it’s like, well, creating space for it, right? Okay. It usually happens, but sometimes life does get in the way, but it’s really just creating space for each other to allow that to to flow to unfold, right? So, it’s like that awareness of like, wow, it’s been some days and like looking at the calendar, this is the only time in the week we have to connect. So, we better both like commit and prioritize it, otherwise it won’t get in. So, you’d say, “Yeah.”

Mike: Yeah.

Advice for Men Facing Rejection When a Partner’s Libido Drops

Dr. Diane: Okay. So, my next question for you, my love, is what advice would you give men out there who feel rejected when a partner libidos drops and they come on to her and she’s maybe saying no and no and no and maybe it’s because and probably is because her libidos just dropped. And I think this can lead to a lot of rejection. And I think it’s something that we don’t talk a lot about in the uh wellness space is we talk about like rejection and dating, right? And the impact of that, but we don’t talk a lot about like the rejection that we can actually have from our partner. So, do you have advice for men like if they’re feeling rejected by their partner that way?

Mike: I think the biggest for a man obviously typically I don’t know my experience people I talk to guys have a higher sex drive in general that’s not I’m broad generalization and I would just I obviously the first thing to do is to talk to your partner and find out what’s going on maybe there certain circumstances or certain um you know if could be is this a temporary thing is a permanent thing or is this a what are the what are the expectations are you at So say for example um one partner wants you know sex x times a week the other person want double that time you know it’s okay then what can you do to f fill that gap if you know and a lot and my take a lot of times it could be life changes as far as you’re getting older if there are different changes you’re going through and that can you know on top of stress on top of getting into I’m 50 now and just going there’s some definitely definitely some different changes so as far as advice it’s more like stay in tune of what reading the room in terms of your partner, talk to your partner and understanding your own needs or what you you can do to um like work towards solving getting your needs met as well.

Dr. Diane: So I got thinking deeper on that. Has there has there been anything like as my because my desire is definitely lower than yours right now. Has there been anything about that that has like surprised you in the way that we’ve navigated it or anything that you’ve thought has been helpful or not helpful in the way that we’ve navigated that?

Mike: Well, it doesn’t always have to be just sex. It’s more of a priority than that. It can it can having like a shared space and if it’s something that you can get, you know, for guys to have some fun and it may or may not be just sex. It could just be other levels of simulations or you know [ __ ] or anything else out there that can really help kind of you know smooth the ride is always and u again that’s it’s the guy’s job also express hey I I have a little bit more needs you can actually express that and in a way that you know and also make make your partner want to do it like may not be just not be just uh just sex like give them give the back massage to get that kind of feeling know the the loving feeling to kind of know take care of you as well. That’s my that would be my take for the guys.

Dr. Diane: Yeah, I agree. I mean, um you told me the other day that I have back massages on demand, which is not entirely true because you have to work and you have kids and there’s plenty of times you’re going to be like, “No.” But the point of that is if I decline, what if I said no?

Mike: Well, you said not now.

Dr. Diane: Point is though that like that level of just um you know giving and providing and and showing up in that way you know I think at least in our relationship I think there’s a huge amount of wanting to make sure there’s a level of reciprocity and it’s not like tit for tat by any means we’re keeping a store scorecard it’s more around like oh you’re taking care of me and I want to take care of you and that’s sort of like the energy the kind of the fundamental value I think that we both share and probably one of fundamental values I think that people like just get off track with being on the same team on would you say?

Mike: Yeah, 100%. Um, I guess you could say I always trying to be reading what your partner wants to. So, oh yeah, I wish you know your partner said something. I wish X X XYZ take take notes and if you can you know if it’s something something about that you can refer maybe you know fantasy or not sometimes it’s um one a bigger thing um I’m a little messier than she is on keeping we have separate places and keeping my place neat is actually a huge value ad when he comes over so that’s just like one of the things that we actually have actually had conversations out of trying to make sure and actually that’s something I actually missed the cues I actually missed was keeping my place clean and that it she took the initiative to actually you know have a conversation with me to help okay this is it actually something important to her so once it actually helped a lot to actually have the my place clean that’s what I’ve noticed so

How Household Tasks and Clean Spaces Affect Desire and Intimacy

Dr. Diane: And okay so another thing I think is worth talking about is like how cuz like the way when I’m making requests of you or vice versa I think we’ve like navigated that so well. So in this example when I was asking you and talking about like hey I want to change the way this place is kept up. How like what about that approach worked for you?

Mike: You were pretty direct but um that helped. I mean, when somebody’s direct that that to me and the kind of the the way it started was uh I’m pretty you know nonchalant with being a little messier and my kid kind of followed that same pattern and when you know she made a comment about something hey could you tell something about keeping the trash can I oh yeah something I made some like a trashy joke and the kids start my kids started laughing and uh and it was actually not the response that she was looking for. So that that that triggered okay a more a a conversation that okay this is actually a value for her to keep the place clean because you know if how she feel you know whatever um it’s one of the core values that she was brought up with that I was not I was it was attempted by my parents but then it did not succeed as well as they should have.

Dr. Diane: And I think where that like applies like sexually like one of the things that I’ve noticed is like those things and and I think a lot of women have their a lot of humans have their own version of this, right? And the version of what I notice is when a place is clean and organized. It’s almost like my brain can rest and can focus. So it’s so much easier than if my partner’s coming on to me to be like, “Oh, I’m not seeing the dirt on the floor. I’m not seeing all the other things.” And it’s easier for me to actually be present to the pleasure. And and I think what you were talking about around like the joke, you’re right, cuz like there was a moment when it was like, oh, it was just immediate joke where like I think I pulled back and had a moment of like, wow, I’m not being taken seriously or something, but you quickly recognized that and um Yeah. And because you were direct, that’s a good thing.

Mike: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Diane: So, anything else that you feel like from a desire mismatch standpoint is like something you’ve learned and how we navigate that?

Mike: Uh biggest thing I mean like I said is making sure that you can act make requests and um getting creative even um if you need to get the boys need to get footage from fun footage girls use that as a tool on your own time and that that can be what other uh desire must match but communicating and get a little creative that’s probably the top

Dr. Diane: Yeah. Great. Well, thank you for sharing all that, my love. I appreciate you for being here and and thank you everybody. Um, please do post your comments down here. Tell us what you think of Boyfriend Edition. Would love to have Mike back again. And please also look in the comments for that 30% off coupon for the libido jumpstart program. That is 4 days to uh better sex with your partner. We’ll see you all next time.

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