Exhausted Dad Libido: How Fatherhood, Burnout, and Stress Kill Desire (Dad Perspective)

Dad Burnout Sex Life: Reclaiming Intimacy When You’re Too Tired for Sex

Dr. Diane Mueller: Hi everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge. Happy to have you. We’re doing another boyfriend edition. I have my boyfriend Mike back here today celebrating love month this month. So, happy love month to everybody. And we’re talking today about being a dad and running a career and the busyness of all of that and how to do all of that and still have a great sex life. So, that is our topic today. Also, as a reminder, in the show notes below, you will find a coupon code for 30% off for right now, we are running a special on our 4 Days to Better Sex Jumpstart program. So, you’ll find the coupon code and all the great information in the show notes below. But, let’s get started. So, welcome back, my love.

Mike: Happy to be here.

Dr. Diane Mueller: So you are super dad as I call you because you are so very active in your kids’ lives and running around and participating in everything and really you know just being in the alpha running the show scenario with them which is amazing. So, what has it been like for you as far as maintaining sex life, running, being a father, running around? Like, how have you maintained all of that while also building your career, navigating your career, growing your career, all of that?

Mike: First step is finding a really good partner.

Dr. Diane Mueller: From a dad perspective, for all your dads out there, you know, as you know, your kids are probably one of your top priorities as well as your partner and how to navigate all that as far as, you know, all these things, your career, you got to consent, you know, having a partner and having kids.

Mike: Is really having good decent time management skills is one and as I’ve said in a previous interview is saying really creating space for each other you know prioritizing okay this is family time this is partner time and then alone time work time and really trying to make sure you maintain your focus into integrate all the aspects of our lives into a way that makes sense for you. So that like from a time management is kind of part.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Okay. Do you think fatherhood has influenced your approach to sex at all? Like do you think that’s changed how you show up in your sex life?

Mike: Yeah. Have less of it. [laughter] What else? [laughter] It coming from a place that just what you are looking for in your life in terms of what is important to you. Because as I’ve mentioned with the previous episode, we have our family night and it’s very easy to just go to the kid night and just like at the end of the day, end of the workday, making dinner, doing take your homework, and just getting everybody all the kids needs met. And then we just kind of just like flop in bed and go to sleep. And one of the things that I appreciate is one having the intention, the value to actually take the time to connect, the value to actually spend time with the family, the value to actually build a career. That’s more of a that’s an alignment for us that when you have that co-alignment, things will be so much easier to understand your partner. That’s what I think. I’m not saying it can’t be done without that but you can actually we can at least understand those aspects of our lives and one of the things is making sure that we don’t have a TV in the bedroom and that probably an easy you’re tired you’re going to first thing you want to do is get the remote and so we I guess we both got sick actually about recently about a month ago and was like actually put an extra TV in my bedroom just temporarily which it got like was so easy to like just kind of go in bed and just kind of want to just turn on the TV and go and go and kind of fall asleep and that’s what a lot of couples do. So that she made it very clear and I agree that we yeah we could like get rid of the TV and from the bedroom and just leave it for the living room and family room just to get the social time you know just kind of like really creating the boundaries into not letting outside life completely dominate your sex life.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah. And the bedroom is definitely a sacred place. I mean, we still allow the kids to come and hang out in bed, you know, in the evening and have family chat and all that, but it’s a sacred place from a standpoint of when the kids aren’t around. Like, that’s our zone and TV is not going to influence that. I feel like another big thing with the kids and continue to like maintain the connection has been little things that we do throughout the day to just maintain that level of care, of connection, that sort of thing. So, do you have thoughts on like what little things that we do throughout the day that you have found to be like really helpful from just a maintaining our connection standpoint?

Mike: Average day. I always say good morning and good night. Expressing love throughout the day, a text or even if it’s been a while or get a video chat and or phone call, but that’s just staying in touch, doing little things throughout the day on an average busy day. And then cooking together, doing things together if it’s like a family date night. And a lot of times if we’re at each other’s place, we just kind of make sure we’re cooking together and we don’t spend too much time on TV. That’s kind of like making spending time with the human connection to actually just we’re here and we actually enjoy each other. That’s that is the thing. And when you do the things that you like and where they similar values and then actually creating that buffer zone for each other.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah. I think a huge part I think all that’s true and I think a huge part of it as well is just like all the little things around like the awareness of touch and like awareness of love language which for both of us touch is a very high love language and for those of you that are listening he’s rubbing my back right now so he’s getting the cues really well but like little tiny things around like through the day when we’re together starting the day with a hug ending the day with hug or cuddle and just walking by. And something that I know that’s come up for me that I think has come up for other women I read about or talk to is that sometimes men can get into the habit of walking by and just only using touch by slapping the butt and what man does not love that right? So, it’s not to say that’s not lovely, but sometimes it’s so emphasized that then it’s like, well, what about those other types of touch? And for women sometimes if that’s the only thing attended to, that doesn’t feel very good either. So, touch, but it’s also the type of touch. Like sometimes it’s flirty and a little sexy, but sometimes it’s just sweet. And rotating through that and making sure it’s not emphasizing on one type of touch, I think is also a small but big thing of showing care.

Sponsor Break: Mystery Vibe Products

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Sponsor: Mature Allure Podcast

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Shared Activities, Flirtiness, and Expanding Love Capacity

Mike: Ideally, another thing that we share the same gym was working out together. That was a nice cool thing. Like doing things that you like together. It could be playing game together, but working out or even just taking a walk together with that when it’s warm out. That’s something I find I get value out of that, just chatting and walking.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Well, I’ll let them in on a little secret, too, which is, you know, just finding things like that, but finding ways of turning them to flirtiness. So, at the gym, one of the things that Mike and I have found to be really fun is since he’s deaf and so he knows sign language and I know some sign language and so, you know, I for sure know all like or most of the sexy things, right? So, it’s been a pretty fun thing to be like flirting with each other via sign language across the gym. And so, not saying it has to be sign language, but it’s like it can be your own version of that, right? Where there’s a level of oh this is what this means and all couples have their inside jokes and that sort of thing. Well, what about those inside things that could mean just flirting and fun and I love you and you’re hot and you’re sexy that you can kind of communicate across the gym like basically almost like having your own little language is a real fun way too to be out in public and to kind of be stoking up the libido in a fun way where nobody else knows what you’re doing but that can be a real fiery way to keep things alive.

Mike: Yeah the bigger gym dollar send her a picture of herself working out just you know it’s sexy and that kind of thing just cute little thing to keeping that flirt alive.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah so is there any other ways like you think like just being a dad has like I hear you on the time and prioritization and like not having that much of it but is there anything you’ve learned from being a dad or anything like that that you think has applied to closeness and relationships and love and intimacy.

Mike: I don’t know if it’s learning. It’s just more of being a parent. It’s kind of a offshoot, but not in a sex per se, but more of in kids in general, in my experience, in a way like increases your capacity to love. When new beings come into the world, your sense of like you’re always about yourself when you’re before kids, but now that you have kids, you are fully responsible. It shifts your awareness to like okay the fact that you’re responsible for them and that you love them you choosing it’s just it’s an unexplained fully explained I think in terms of like what really happens as far as having kids just it shifts your the way your thinking process I would say because you’re just fully responsible for another tiny little being that all the kids are now 11 14 and 16 and much older now but still in the fun teenage years. So yeah that I know I can’t I haven’t really thought through how it but I just know it has an impact across humans in general having kids in terms of just expanding your capacity to love.

Lasting Longer in Bed: Techniques and Partner Support

Dr. Diane Mueller: I’m going to take this conversation in a different direction because I think one other thing that people would love to know is you can last a very long time in bed and that has been very helpful for me because I am absolutely like most women out there that take a solid 20 minutes most times sometimes less sometimes more but like you can count on me for a good 20 minutes to really actually reach climax and so many men last many men it’s very common to last in an average of two to five maybe to seven minutes and so learning skills to actually last longer and of course there’s foreplay and there’s other things that we talk about in the channel that you can do but I think a very common thing that comes up is so many men want to last longer they want to be able to provide a deeper level of pleasure for their partner for a longer period of time so can you tell us a little bit about how you’ve taught yourself to do that.

Mike: I wasn’t expecting that kind of I threw him a curveball. We didn’t talk about that one in advance. So for me I would argue a bigger thing is like repetition on yourself to like edging if you will just basically just play with yourself edge it and try to push and make it last longer as long like build that intensity.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah. Just want to clarify that a little bit more like so how are you edging? Like what specific are you doing to stay in that zone?

Mike: The way by the textbook, you should basically masturbate until you’re about to come and either relax or stop doing it or stop masturbating or train yourself to like the two things happen depending on where you’re at. If one is stay fully relaxed like during the edge of the practice self practice and with your partner it’s to try to stay relaxed and then when you’re about to come basically you just clamp yourself down there as if you have to stop peeing like and it’s kind of like develop that muscle so to speak to it’s more it’s more psychological than I think than actually physical. So that’s that and then when you’re in a part of that’s with a practice here there are times which just being a guy it’s just things are not always consistent and you have to almost distract yourself and I don’t if you’ve seen Austin Powers the movie there’s a scene where the faster they’re coming out and Austin Powers is saying Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day Margaret Thatcher is the old prime minister of Britain I think and she’s really ugly. So that’s kind of the point to distract yourself and what that could be. To distract yourself could be anything literally think about bugs bunny. You can really try to it’s a psychological call like a psych warfare. So that’s the high level.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Well I know like especially you’ve trained me to do things on my body too and like we’ve worked together on that. So what can a woman do like in the middle of that in the middle of making love like what can a woman do to actually support a man so that he lasts longer?

Mike: I would say from a woman being supportive in terms of just accepting not making a big deal out of it. It does happen. Like even just hearing compliments just a little compliment you’re good and bad and just tearing down that’s a thumbs up just and like adjusting a little bit sometimes there some days or part of the training process the women have to do a little bit more work or self stimulation or maybe get the vibrators over here that’s happening you know stuff like this to help the women get up to speed with their arousal and that so there’s the physical side and then there’s the emotional side and there’s the mental side that’s kind of how I’m thinking it so physical try to get stimulated what can we do at the man kind of the foreplay slow down the foreplay build that up a bit if you’re looking to last no have the women come faster and maybe the men last longer in bed I also found that foreplay actually helps the man just kind of get to relax a bit and actually okay this is the next stage just kind of slow things down a bit and just to not rush at it it does help at least for me. Second thing with the emotional feeling supported by your partner saying just compliment you know that you’re how wonderful you are in bed. How it’s not like a specific compliment but just really just validating the man in bed that he’s a great lover. That’s really what from a woman perspective that.

Dr. Diane Mueller: And are you saying like that can help man last longer?

Mike: I would say yes. Less anxiety because there’s a like if you’re feeling the man is feeling anxious got to perform or just the frame is just to enjoy the space. Maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s not. Maybe what just really just creating a space to just be accepted like kind of turn off that anxiety for men and that will be huge for that. And the mental thing is just part of it for the women to it’s kind of the same thing validating but also don’t get stuck in a thought loop that you are not good in that because it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every guy wants to perform same for women. Women have their own insecurities and if you can shift the focus less on yourself and more onto the man to more into the woman what her needs are what her wants are. You can listen you can see how she moves and that I suspect that would go a long way towards helping men last longer.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Yeah. And I’ll even add on to that also with some of what techniques I use that I know you have giving me the feedback that they’ve been helpful which is like it’s so easy being in tune with your partner to be like oh he’s getting close right so I will relax more when and so I will actually make an attempt to stop squeezing so much to stop moving so much to relax. So he’s not only relaxing, but I’m also relaxing. And sometimes we’re sitting there and pausing and looking to each other’s eyes and just holding each other and those sorts of things. So there’s this element around like we’re both kind of relaxing and I’m using my muscles of my pelvic floor to support that. And one of the things as women too where doing your vibrator training and doing your kegel training but the kegel training that’s correct is not really just about tightening. A lot of times women can’t control their muscles very well because their muscles are overtight and some of the muscles are too tight, some of them are too relaxed. But the overtight muscles are often times creating a lot of the problem. And so we want to not only practice on strengthening these muscles, but practice relaxing these muscles as well. There’s a great product on my website for this too. If you go to my website and go to the product page, you’ll find something called the cooch ball and discount codes for a lot of the things you see on that web page. And that ball is designed to help to retrain your pelvic muscles so that they can relax. It can be used for both women and men. But the point is when we use stuff like that, we’re actually retraining our muscles so that when we make love with a man, then we’re able to control it more, right? We’re able to squeeze when you need to squeeze, to relax when you don’t want him to ejaculate, those sorts of things. So, it’s almost like there is a lot that he is doing. I think the majority of him not orgasming in those moments is on him. However, I bet there’s probably 15 to 20% of like what I’m doing that would be influencing that. Is that do you think that’s true?

Mike: Yeah. I would say yes, 100%. Women do have an influence. I mean, I would say it’s 15 20%. Sometimes it’s like 100%. Like my control what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter. It’s 100% everything you’re doing. Yeah, everything you’re doing this very rare that 100%. But yeah, in general the relaxed state I would say by 15 20%. Another thing I would throw out there is changing position can really help kind of shift the brain up and change it up to a position that you might feel less stimulated or she might feel more stimulated just to kind of throw that in the mix.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Amazing.

Mike: Any other advice you have for everybody or thoughts on this topic? Have fun. I mean just embrace your partner in the moment and know yourself, your body and just really just life is short. Just find good people and create space for fun.

Dr. Diane Mueller: Well, thank you my love. Thank you for being here again. Thank you everybody for listening to another episode of the lounge. Please let us know what you think about Boyfriend Edition. And we’ll bring Mike back for another adventure at some point. And please let me know if you have questions, comments, things that you think in these editions you would like us to talk about and cover. I would love love love to hear from you. Also remember right now for a limited time for love month, you can get the code to get 30% off the jump start. This code will expire on the 17th of February, so it is not going on for the whole month. So definitely make sure you take advantage of that. Get your discount code in the show notes and we will see you all real soon on another episode of the lounge. Ciao for now.

Outro

Dr. Diane Mueller: Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don’t keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, and check out our Modern Libido Club for so much more! Modern Libido Club